To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

Perfect opportunity for you to have laughed back and pointed out that the genius is unable to work because of long term depression.

@redcloudsunshine yeah after your update I'd kick him the hell out of my house. If he's that desperate to finish college he'll find a way. Think about the example you're setting for your daughters. They are growing up in an environment that is openly hostile to women.

What bothers me the most about the Andrew Tate men of late is that they want women to be "traditional" but they themselves are utterly failing to be "traditional" men. By his logic, a man should be the master of the house, the breadwinner, the power player and whatever other nonsense they spout. So why is he hanging on to mummy's apron strings? Tell him to bugger off and be a "real" man.

I totally agree with this. If he is living in your home with all the benefits that provides, and he can’t treat you respectfully, then I would insist that he leaves. Give him his first month’s deposit and a deadline.

He will find a bit more respect and be less disparaging once he realises how hard it is to keep a decent home functioning.

I’d go as far as saying that his disrespect and contempt is a definitive sign that he needs more responsibility and independence. You are not doing him any favours by allowing him to live with you.

As said he is the monster not you unfortunately you have allowed him to subordinate you, obviously this wasn't a conscious decision on your part but it's important that you find a way to stand up for him and stop being a subordinate.

@IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy

"how bad would his behaviour have to be for you to throw him out?" would have been a perfect post.

Yes, I was being condescending. You were being faux naive and PA (and perhaps a bit lazy) with your single sentence contribution.

Yes, they are very sad men.

In this case, OP you are enabling your son behaviour which you have not addressed in this thread yet. I feel sorry for your daughters, what example are you setting for them?

Well thank God I managed to achieve a perfect post second attempt, according to your esteemed judgement; that really has made my day.

He's an adult now; and that involves cutting those apron strings - especially if he treats you with such disrespect in your own home. Let him go live with his dad.

You're enabling him by doing everything for him. Forget that hes your son for a minute - imagine if he was a stranger; and he spoke to you the way he does - would you still be concerned with what hes having for dinner and if his washing is done? No, tell him hes evicted. Give him notice, do it in writing - with you keeping a copy, tell him you've had enough it ends here, and he needs to find somewhere else to live because after X date he doesn't live with you.

Then as you would with anyone else - ring the police if he refuses to leave. Your written notice to him will be useful.

I agree OP. Can't you at least tell him he needs to do all these tasks? Do you really not see that the more you enable him the more he has contempt for you.

He is NEVER going to think 'mum loved me so much she cooked for me, made me lunch, and did my washing, and cleaned up after me'. He is going to think that's your job. Please, just stop doing these things as a first step.

I think this thread is a good example of why so many young men are misogynist, their mothers are not strong female role models. Look at how OP treats her fully grown adult son, he demeans her, and her daughters yet still allows him to stay and be waited on as he has a penis.

Would OP allow her daughters to treat her this way? Very unlikely.

@safetyfreak I'm as radfem as they come but even I appreciate that at least a generation or so ago these men could at least claim to be financing a household and taking care of shit.

Now they can't seem to so much as hold down a job and have the temerity to try and talk about what a man/woman ought to be? Pathetic.

A bunfight from two people on the same side and similar user names is quite funny

I am unmoved by your sarcasm.

He didn't get on with his stepmother? Tough, that's consequences, I bet she wouldn't put up with his shit more like. If he idolises dad, he can pop off back there and pull his finger out. It's time for him to act like a man and pay bills and care for himself. The consequence of disrespect in your house is that he doesn't get to stay on courses.
With the present attitude, he won't last long in managing if he ever gets it, which I doubt.

Got to agree with this!

Apologies for derailing. I'm waiting in my car for a funeral, so probably being a bit of a dick myself!

Sorry for your loss

I just wanted to add op. Please don’t worry about losing him. He will come back but it might take him a long time to mature. And if he doesn’t mature and change his ways, he is lost to you anyway really.

He will be far better off in the long term if you encourage him to leave and allow his deficits and prejudices to be exposed to a wider pool of objective people who won’t tolerate his nastiness like a loving family does. There’s a reason he can’t find a gf atm!

And please, please, please stop doing his laundry and cooking. I stopped doing my DCs laundry when they were fourteen! What message does it give your son if you challenge his misogyny and disrespect on the one hand and cook and clean for him with the other? He’s getting very mixed messages from you.

One way to resolve this would be to take him out on neutral territory and tell him the truth. That you love him deeply but you dislike his behaviour atm. Mention the last twenty occasions that he has criticised something and use that as evidence that he is not happy living at home. Tell him you love him too much to allow him to be this unhappy and that you insist he goes somewhere more suited to his needs. Get your dh on side. Do not allow yourself to indulge him further. It is damaging him being this dependent on you all!

You are facilitating his poor attitude to women by being a handmaid frankly.
Let the man baby grow up and learn how to look after himself.
He can make his own lunch and do his own laundry for a start.
He has no respect for you because you are letting him treat you like a skivvy. Please stop.

Do you feel able to start gradually facing him down OP?
Stand firm on things, stop letting him dominate the household, gradually put him back in his place.

One way to resolve this would be to take him out on neutral territory and tell him the truth. That you love him deeply but you dislike his behaviour atm. Mention the last twenty occasions that he has criticised something and use that as evidence that he is not happy living at home. Tell him you love him too much to allow him to be this unhappy and that you insist he goes somewhere more suited to his needs. Get your dh on side. Do not allow yourself to indulge him further. It is damaging him being this dependent on you all!
⤴️
I think this from @Whenitsnotalwaysraining sounds like a very good approach!

Stop doing his laundry, making him meals. Keep shared food open but lock other great food away if you think he’ll steal it. He can do his own laundry and make his own meals. If he leaves washing in the machine, stick it in a bin bag - don’t finish it. Don’t let him have meals with you, don’t let him sit in the lounge. Do not give him money for anything.
if he leaves plates in his room and won’t bring them down/wash them. Lock it up and just give him access to paper plates.

if he leaves his stuff lying around stick it in a bin bag. Give it a day/week and put in shed/garage.
If you can’t do it for you, do it for him and any future girlfriends.
you’ve enabled this behaviour - you can’t change it now but you don’t have to put up with it.
Read up on why you won’t stand for his behaviour/beliefs while he is in your house so you have clear and succinct reasons for why you are setting these boundaries without engaging in an argument or discussion.
don’t discuss it just stop doing it. If/when he asks say he is in adult he needs to look after himself. Don’t engage in discussion about it.
don’t give him the opportunity to sneer at you and laugh. If he does this just walk away -only engage once he has stopped treating you like a doormat.

im really sorry you are going through this. Part of me feels sorry for him as he obviously is trying to get approval from his dad in some messed up way, but let’s face it his dad is in no state to give him the love and support he needs so he is taking it out on you.

good luck it sounds really tough.

You and your DH need to spend some time together to agree on an approach and a plan to deal with this. Decide on minimum behaviour that any adult living in your house should abide by, and write it down in a list. So, cleans own stuff away, does own washing, cooks for themselves (or takes a turn cooking for everyone), is respectful to others, pays rent or contributes to household expenses, takes fair share of household cleaning, etc etc.

Then, give your son the list, and make the consequences clear. If he cannot stick to these minimums, then you will expect him to leave, and let him know that you will be reviewing whether he can stay on a rolling weekly basis. I would also let him know that any one-off serious incident of bad behaviour will result in an immediate notice of eviction.

Then every time he breaks one of your new rules, make a note of it and let him know that he's falling short of the expected standard and that you are therefore going to have to give him notice to leave, unless he fully apologises and makes amends. Don't enter into any discussion or argument about it, and make a note of any subsequent disrespect that may result.

The hard part is then following through with the whole process, and to actually give him notice. If he is working and is studying, he can find a flatshare, be a lodger, rent a small place etc etc. He may be angry with you in the short term, but* *he will never change or properly grow up unless you force some normal adult boundaries on him.

OP, I have DS almost 24 living at home with us.

He would be out if he behaved like yours.

If you don’t want to go that far, then stop doing his washing and cooking. You are pandering to an Andrew Tate fan - what on earth are you doing?

Get him told.

I know times have changed but at age 24 I moved continents on my own (and funded the fare).

The dynamic you describe just seems appalling for everyone, and actually not ultimately doing him any favours, either. He has an immense amount of growing up to do, which just isn’t happening.

Sorry OP, but your son sounds absolutely horrible. Why he behaves this way I don't know (role modelled on his awful father?) but you are doing him no favours at all allowing him to carry on like this and pandering to him.

And absolutely not fair at all on your poor DDs and your poor DH (doesn't he have anything to say about it?). Chuck him out and tell him why, there is the possibility he might learn from it and become a better person. I doubt he'll be able to keep a partner while he's like this, men of this type are a blight on society.