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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

238 replies

Sundaycoffee · 28/02/2024 23:27

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

OP posts:
BarbieDangerous · 28/02/2024 23:32

I think your response is a little bit OTT if I’m being honest.

I completely get that you wanted some 1:1 time with your friend and wanted to have a chance to speak about personal stuff. I think it’s good that your friend at least had the respect to ask you first instead of just inviting this person along. You’ve said that you think it’ll change the dynamic and your friend has said okay. Why now cancel the whole meet up?

Obviously I’m guessing here but it could have been a case where the other friend asked to meet up with your friend on X date. Your friend realised that she was meeting with you and asked whether the other friend could come along. Probably as it’s easier killing two birds with one stone and she could see both of you at the same time. I highly doubt that it had anything to do with undervaluing you as a friend.

It’d be OTT to cancel the day just because she asked whether she could bring someone else a long. That’s just my opinion anyway

JeaniesGenie · 28/02/2024 23:34

YANBU - it does change the dynamics with 3 especially if you dont really know the person well!

NewName24 · 28/02/2024 23:35

YABU.
She didn't impose this upon you, and she didn't surprise you with the change in arrangements.
She asked you what you thought.
You've said you'd prefer to keep as it is and she's accepted that.
I don't see the issue.

You'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

TempleOfBloom · 28/02/2024 23:35

She asked… you felt able to be honest…story done. Why cut off your nose to spite your face?

You seem intent on a deep meaningful intense picking over your lives. But maybe she was looking forward to a fun catch up and an escape from difficult life issues? Maybe she thought, having met her other friend a few times, that you would have a fun social and friendly time together.

Her suggestion doesn’t mean she has devalued meeting up with you.

Immemorialelms · 28/02/2024 23:35

I reckon go, bring it up, be vulnerable and say you feel awkward about asking her not to bring her friend, and a bit worried in case she doesn’t love you as a friend as you do her, and you'll resolve it, have a bucket of prosecco, and end the lunch best buddies.

If you don't go you will feel crap about her and probably drift away.

justjuggling · 28/02/2024 23:36

I was in a similar situation recently and pretty much said what you’ve suggested. It was fine, no falling out, we just caught up a week later.

BunniesRUs · 28/02/2024 23:36

You've said no which is fine x
Enjoy your time now

ancienticecream · 28/02/2024 23:37

I'd like to echo what @BarbieDangerous said. Totally understand why you'd want to go out just the two of you, but what an OTT reaction from you.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 28/02/2024 23:37

It's fine to not want a 3rd person there changing the dynamics

But it's OTT to twist a simple request that was respected without fuss into you not being good enough for your friend

Do you suffer from low self confidence normally?

Cuddy899 · 28/02/2024 23:38

I can see why you’re put out . It changes the do from a personal catch up to small talk so abit pointless . And now I bet you feel awkward you said no to her but I agree with you - strange request from her!

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 28/02/2024 23:39

BarbieDangerous · 28/02/2024 23:32

I think your response is a little bit OTT if I’m being honest.

I completely get that you wanted some 1:1 time with your friend and wanted to have a chance to speak about personal stuff. I think it’s good that your friend at least had the respect to ask you first instead of just inviting this person along. You’ve said that you think it’ll change the dynamic and your friend has said okay. Why now cancel the whole meet up?

Obviously I’m guessing here but it could have been a case where the other friend asked to meet up with your friend on X date. Your friend realised that she was meeting with you and asked whether the other friend could come along. Probably as it’s easier killing two birds with one stone and she could see both of you at the same time. I highly doubt that it had anything to do with undervaluing you as a friend.

It’d be OTT to cancel the day just because she asked whether she could bring someone else a long. That’s just my opinion anyway

Thanks, i know you're probably right. Think I'm just feeling a bit insecure now that I was really looking forward to catching up with a good friend "properly" and for her that obviously wasn't as important. Especially as she knew I had private things I wanted to discuss with her

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 28/02/2024 23:39

YANBU at all. My one friend does this. Just before covid three of us arranged a bottomless Prosecco brunch, and the one asked her friends, friends we have never met. It was clearly a catch up for very old friends and it totally changes the dynamic. I dropped out (can’t remember why) so my other friend didn’t want to go then.
Now, years on, we arranged a theatre catch up in the summer, clearly a “we haven’t seen each other in so long let’s make a day of it”, and the same girl is bringing her husband ! And she also asked a mate and her mother. Me and my other friend are stumped, and it is like “are we not good enough”.
It’s weird to bring outsiders into a group, and it’s soooo weird to bring your husband !! (Not that your friend is, but I’ve got to vent!)

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/02/2024 23:40

You seem intent on a deep meaningful intense picking over your lives. But maybe she was looking forward to a fun catch up and an escape from difficult life issues?

I agree with this... I've got a couple of friends I don't really like seeing 1-1 because they end up being intensely monologue-y and I don't get a word in. In groups, they don't bring up their Stuff and it's just way more light hearted.

Betweenthe2 · 28/02/2024 23:40

Your OTT reaction gives me impression that you emotionally dump on your friend quite a lot and she probably wanted a third person there to stop you droning on about yourself.

WandaWonder · 28/02/2024 23:40

Yeah I can see it changes it and a bit annoying maybe but you really seem to be overthinking it also, friends are not meant to be this complicated

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 28/02/2024 23:41

I think you are being a bit unreasonable OP, as it's quite possible the friend you're meeting with was asked what she's doing on that day, and mentioned she was meeting you, the other friend perhaps then said, 'oh, that sounds like fun, would it be OK for me to come along?' Your friend, then had the courtesy to ask if you would mind, and was happy to go with your request to keep things as they are. It sounds to me like she respects your friendship, but perhaps you're feeling a little insecure right now, which is why you feel threatened by her asking to bring other friend? Maybe when you see her, tell her that you hope she didn't mind you asking to keep it just the two of you, but you really want to chat about some things that you wouldn't have felt comfortable talking about in front of other friend.

NewName24 · 28/02/2024 23:43

Betweenthe2 · 28/02/2024 23:40

Your OTT reaction gives me impression that you emotionally dump on your friend quite a lot and she probably wanted a third person there to stop you droning on about yourself.

I am beginning to wonder this now, from the OP's responses.

BeakyBlinders · 28/02/2024 23:43

I'd be mortified putting my friend in that situation of saying no! That's probably tarred the friendship a bit from her side.

Isittimeformynapyet · 28/02/2024 23:46

JeaniesGenie · 28/02/2024 23:34

YANBU - it does change the dynamics with 3 especially if you dont really know the person well!

Yes, it totally does, but that wasn't the AIBU.

OP's question is whether it is U to have a childish sulk and refuse to go out to play because her close friend had the sheer audacity to run the idea by her.

I think you can guess how I voted!

BreakfastAtMimis · 28/02/2024 23:47

I agree with PPs, your friend would prefer light chat over a boozy lunch than listening to your latest woes. Don't be surprised if she cancels at the last minute.

saraclara · 28/02/2024 23:47

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 28/02/2024 23:41

I think you are being a bit unreasonable OP, as it's quite possible the friend you're meeting with was asked what she's doing on that day, and mentioned she was meeting you, the other friend perhaps then said, 'oh, that sounds like fun, would it be OK for me to come along?' Your friend, then had the courtesy to ask if you would mind, and was happy to go with your request to keep things as they are. It sounds to me like she respects your friendship, but perhaps you're feeling a little insecure right now, which is why you feel threatened by her asking to bring other friend? Maybe when you see her, tell her that you hope she didn't mind you asking to keep it just the two of you, but you really want to chat about some things that you wouldn't have felt comfortable talking about in front of other friend.

All of that.

But also make sure that you don't just use this get together to unload onto your friend.
I seem to have reached a stage in life where my friends want to moan about their troubles at every get together. I get it. We're of the age to have adult kids that we worry about, and very aged parents that are a responsibility and (I'm sorry) a drain.

But I'm the opposite. When I'm stressed and exhausted I want to be distracted from it, and actually have a laugh and some fun. So I see less and less of these particular friends because they add to my gloom instead of relieving it. I'm a good friend, I listen, but I come away really disappointed and down.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 28/02/2024 23:47

NewName24 · 28/02/2024 23:43

I am beginning to wonder this now, from the OP's responses.

Show quote history

It's really not like this. She was the one who arranged the meet and even asked to see me additonally to this sooner so not a case of her avoiding seeing me alone. We have been friends for 15 years now and have both seen each other through various ups and downs😊

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/02/2024 23:51

Betweenthe2 · 28/02/2024 23:40

Your OTT reaction gives me impression that you emotionally dump on your friend quite a lot and she probably wanted a third person there to stop you droning on about yourself.

This is what I wondered about. That’s she doesn’t really want the intense session going through all your problems like a therapy session. That she’d rather have a fun, light hearted meet up, which the third person would encourage.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 28/02/2024 23:53

saraclara · 28/02/2024 23:47

All of that.

But also make sure that you don't just use this get together to unload onto your friend.
I seem to have reached a stage in life where my friends want to moan about their troubles at every get together. I get it. We're of the age to have adult kids that we worry about, and very aged parents that are a responsibility and (I'm sorry) a drain.

But I'm the opposite. When I'm stressed and exhausted I want to be distracted from it, and actually have a laugh and some fun. So I see less and less of these particular friends because they add to my gloom instead of relieving it. I'm a good friend, I listen, but I come away really disappointed and down.

Show quote history

Definitely not unloading on her at all. There's just things i wouldn't talk about in front of someone I don't really know is all.
I supported her through a rough break up last year and have just suffered the death of a close relative. That doesn't mean I want to spend the whole time we are together talking about it by any stretch but if she was going through the same thing and I was meeting her for the first time since, I wouldn't pop up and say can xyz person also come, just in case.

OP posts:
newyearnewknees · 28/02/2024 23:55

I don't understand the problem. You sound like hard work. It's bottomless brunch, not therapy.