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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

238 replies

Sundaycoffee · 28/02/2024 23:27

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 29/02/2024 00:04

"..even asked to see me additonally to this sooner so not a case of her avoiding seeing me alone."

If you know this, then you shouldn't feel undervalued. She might feel gutted to know how you've reacted to what was probably just a passing suggestion.

To say that the date is now tarred seems so silly, not least because I think you mean tarnished.

Piscescat · 29/02/2024 00:10

Immemorialelms · 28/02/2024 23:35

I reckon go, bring it up, be vulnerable and say you feel awkward about asking her not to bring her friend, and a bit worried in case she doesn’t love you as a friend as you do her, and you'll resolve it, have a bucket of prosecco, and end the lunch best buddies.

If you don't go you will feel crap about her and probably drift away.

This

Precipice · 29/02/2024 00:56

Is it usually fun to meet up with this friend? Focus on that, not on her brief suggestion. Don't make yourself lose out on a meet-up you've been looking forward to for a month because this suggestion knocked you down a bit today.

YANBU to want to just meet one-on-one. I agree that it's annoying when people bring in further people who completely change the dynamic. I have a friend like that, who when she gets a boyfriend insists on bringing the boyfriend everywhere; can't see her without the guy. But your friend accepted sticking to the original plan. YABU to cancel because she made the suggestion. Go to sleep, relax, do something nice.

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 01:34

TempleOfBloom · 28/02/2024 23:35

She asked… you felt able to be honest…story done. Why cut off your nose to spite your face?

You seem intent on a deep meaningful intense picking over your lives. But maybe she was looking forward to a fun catch up and an escape from difficult life issues? Maybe she thought, having met her other friend a few times, that you would have a fun social and friendly time together.

Her suggestion doesn’t mean she has devalued meeting up with you.

This. Drama Lama

momonpurpose · 29/02/2024 01:44

TempleOfBloom · 28/02/2024 23:35

She asked… you felt able to be honest…story done. Why cut off your nose to spite your face?

You seem intent on a deep meaningful intense picking over your lives. But maybe she was looking forward to a fun catch up and an escape from difficult life issues? Maybe she thought, having met her other friend a few times, that you would have a fun social and friendly time together.

Her suggestion doesn’t mean she has devalued meeting up with you.

It sounds very intense and ott. Maybe your friend wanted to invite a third to make it a more fun enjoyable day.

BaybeeTammy · 29/02/2024 02:25

Personally I don't think a bar with an alcohol fuelled lunch is the place to dicuss highly personal things, including a recent death. Emotions will be high. It's not like you've not seen her for a while. You saw her last month.

FortofPud · 29/02/2024 02:51

I dont like it one bit either, but I think its often just a personality thing. The people i know who invite others along would be perfectly happy if I invited someone - they just seem to be 'the more the merrier' types and are oblivious to others feeling horrified by it.

I think I was once the friend that got dragged into something I shouldn't have been at. One friend was ever so keen me for to meet a group of her friends. I'm really not that sociable with people I don't know, but she's lovely and really wanted me to as we had loads in common. So I went to a brunch she was hosting. Except that the brunch was actually at one of the other friends houses and it turns out they were a group of 3 who'd met at junior school and went back decades. I wanted the ground to swallow me up as it felt like such an intrusion into something intimate. The two women were both equally lovely, but oh my gosh never again!

ilovebreadsauce · 29/02/2024 02:53

There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss)

My first thought was that sounds quite draining for anyone. She is not your therapist

LindorDoubleChoc · 29/02/2024 02:59

Interesting one.

I think I'd agree with you and conclude that your friend wants a different kind of date to the one you were planning in your mind. Perhaps she isn't in the mood for something as grim-sounding and intense?

MariaVT65 · 29/02/2024 03:00

I think YABU and OTT.

If you want to chat to your friend about something specific, what’s the problem with texting or calling? How do you think those of us who live far away from our close friends manage?

It’s a bit too much emphasis on ‘i need to speak to this specific person about this specific thing at this specific time because i need support’. It’s amazing to talk to friends, but that’s also what therapists are there for if you feel that strongly that you need support for something.

DuploTrain · 29/02/2024 03:08

BaybeeTammy · 29/02/2024 02:25

Personally I don't think a bar with an alcohol fuelled lunch is the place to dicuss highly personal things, including a recent death. Emotions will be high. It's not like you've not seen her for a while. You saw her last month.

I agree.

I could see your point OP until you said bottomless brunch. That should definitely be a light, social, more the merrier type outing, so I can see why your friend thought it would be fine to include some one else.

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 29/02/2024 03:12

I can very much see both sides of this. I don't think there is a right or wrong way of doing it. On the one hand, you broaden your circle by getting to know acquaintances better. On the other, it changes the dynamic between two close friends.

You've done the right thing in saying that you wanted it to be just the two of you and your friend has been great and agreed.

No reason to throw any toys out of the pram as far as I can see.

It might be an idea to suggest that the three of you do something another time together.

PieAndLattes · 29/02/2024 03:37

She was fine to ask, and you were fine to say know. Wanting to spend 1-1 time with a friend rather than her plus someone you don’t really know is reasonable. Wanting a heart to heart over a bottomless brunch is not reasonable. They’re supposed to be fun, the place will be heaving, and you’ll be spending your time trying to get 20 watered down espresso martinis down your neck in 2 hours.

SlumberDearMaid · 29/02/2024 03:47

I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time

That should have been your original response - a breezy, ‘no worries, why don’t you two catch up this time, and the two of us can get together another time?’

She may or may not have taken you up on it.

If you cancel now, you’ll just look really petty - the only person ‘damaged’ will be you.

Just meet up, and be your usual self, and remind her why it’s worth meeting you 1-on-1.

circlesand · 29/02/2024 04:33

The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask.

OP, listen to yourself. You sound like a child.

MunchkinExpress · 29/02/2024 04:33

You're being over sensitive, unfair to your friend and a little childish tbh. Your friend asked your permission to invite another pal, you've said no. Leave it at that and have your meet up.

ohdamnitjanet · 29/02/2024 04:34

I’ll go against the flow, I don’t like it when friends do this, it really pisses me off. It’s different if you are invited to go to lunch with other people from the start, but adding on random friends I hardly know after something is arranged drives me nuts. Not everyone is instantly comfortable with people they don’t know well.

FluffyToesMeow · 29/02/2024 05:31

I think it's a bit childish to be put out by things like this.

hopscotcher · 29/02/2024 05:47

I think that's a slight overreaction from you. She asked (at least she asked!) , you said no, she said fine. Go ahead with the meet up. Perhaps she hadn't realised you want to discuss personal stuff 1:1.

FallingStar21 · 29/02/2024 06:01

YANBU, OP!

Posters assuming that you'd be "droning on" boring your friend to tears with monologues is unfair and insensitive.

Most people have close friends who they arrange catch ups with, usually involving personal stuff being shared. Doesn't mean "therapy sessions", it's just the nature of the friendship!

Even if I wasn't going through anything in particular, I wouldn't want to be sharing any of my personal business with an acquaintance I've met a few times.

Equally, if I was struggling a close friend would automatically want to be there for me, because that's what good friends do.

Bringing this other "friend" changes the entire meeting, almost pointless to see your friend imo. I'm surprised she thought it was a good idea and I'd feel similar to you.

Newchapterbeckons · 29/02/2024 06:13

People don’t track other peoples problems generally op. They have their own life to think about. She probably thought it would be fun to go as a group. Just say you would rather a 1-1 meet up this time. Making it into a respect thing is too much.

hattie43 · 29/02/2024 06:23

I'd be irritated if a friend wanted another friend along , particularly one I didn't know
well . YANBU

swayingpalmtree · 29/02/2024 06:25

YANBU wanting a private chat with a friend. Its hard to feel comfortable talking about personal issues when someone else is there whom you don't know.

YABU by interpreting this as "she finds my company so awful she has to bring someone else alone". That is your negative thought, not hers. You seem to be interpreting this event as a slight on you which it really isnt. It might be worth examining this - thoughts are not facts, and sometimes we can interpret events in ways that arent true and are the result of our own insecurities which then lead to all kinds of upset feelings. Stop the thought and challenge it before it makes you feel sad. There could be loads of reasons why she suggested it- maybe be this friend is having a hard time, maybe she also wanted to see her the same day and it just felt convenient to see you both, maybe her friend would like to meet you or maybe she thought the two of you would get on really well? There are so many different possibilities- why choose the most negative one?

Globules · 29/02/2024 06:28

You want a heart to heart...over a bottomless brunch...

I'd have tried to invite another friend too, to lighten the mood.

Bottomless brunches are social affairs. She respects you enough to ask before inviting the other person. If you're reacting this way, then maybe you should cancel and tell her why. She'll know what sort of person you are then and she can decide if she wants to carry on being friends with you.

saraclara · 29/02/2024 06:33

(tell her you're) ...a bit worried in case she doesn’t love you as a friend as you do her,

Oh jeeze, please don't follow that suggestion. I would cringe and die a bit inside if a friend came out with that. There is nothing worse than neediness. And no, if you're my friend, I don't 'love' you. That's the emotion I felt for my late husband and feel for my kids and grandkids.
If you're my friend I like and value you. But don't put me under pressure to love you.

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