To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

[Sundaycoffee]

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

You're absolutely right. It wasn't important to her to catch up with just you, she doesn't need you in the same way you need her

I think it's good that you know this. You can factor it into how you meet her going forward. And maybe you can rethink what you choose to tell her, or not. But you now have more information about her which can help you make choices

This made me properly lol. Me too, depending on the person asking for the heart to heart 🤣

Please don't cancel- go and have a lovely time with your friend. I do understand you being irritated- I've had similar happen in the past (and usually without asking) and it is annoying. But on occasion I've also been the one to bring another friend (always having asked the person I'd originally planned to meet up with) and it's never been because I don't value the friendship. In fact it's when I have friends I really love that I want them to meet each other. And it's always been after the third friend has asked me what I'm doing on I say I already had plans and gone from there. Never once has it been me casting round thinking who else can I bring to make this more fun.

I think so far you and your friend have played this right- she asked you, you were honest and said no. Now go and have a lovely time.

I would also be mindful and notice when you are telling yourself stories based on small incidents. Your friend just asked if you would mind if she brought another friend along and in your head the story is now that she doesn't value your friendship. I used to do this all the time when I was younger- it was a sign of low self-esteem and I ended up becoming depressed and getting treatment for that

I think YABU, a bottomless brunch isn't really the time or place for a deep and meaningful heart to heart. Usually they are lots of fun, getting drunk on cocktails and generally having a good time. I guess she thought it would be fun if the other friend came but she's respected your answer with no fuss. I would enjoy your brunch and time with your friend.

You're being a needy weirdo.

Had this happen years ago, I wasn't impressed. Not a fan of meeting up with more than one friend at a time.

Of course she doesn't want to you by yourself. Of course it's all about you. Nothing to do with the fact that she may have thought it would be a nice thing to bring another mate, whom you have met, for what she may well have thought was a girly lunch, not an opportunity for you to download on her.
You couldn't explain that you wanted just her because you wanted to chat rather than saying 'it will change the dynamic'?
It's sad.

She was the one who arranged the meet and even asked to see me additonally to this sooner

Why didn’t you meet sooner? She clearly wanted to see you then? Maybe she met someone? Could be her new friend?

A few years back, the same happened to me. Except, I was the one that asked if another friend could tag along. I did this because I couldn’t bear the thought of meeting up with my friend alone. She was awfully intense and had got worse in one to one situations. The type that still has a full plate and full glass when yours are empty because she hasn’t shut the fuck up since you sat down. The type that would sit there talking for an hour before even looking at the menu. All about herself and her problems aaaaaaargh.

She actually said no to me inviting this other friend because she said she wanted to tell me all about her miscarriage and work problems. I cancelled and the friendship died out. I’m not unsympathetic, I had already heard all about it and been there for her. I myself had suffered two miscarriages. I just didn’t want a much needed, light hearted lunch to be all about her yet again.

I understand you’re upset but I wouldn’t cancel. I don’t think there’s anything more to her inviting another friend other than it’s probably the only day she’s free and thought it would be easier.
She understood and it looks like you’re still meeting 1-1 so I would carry on with your plans.

YANBU. Are you an introvert? I've spent many years gently explaining to my extrovert friends that when they invite random plus ones the activity changes from something I really look forward to to something that feels like work. They don't get it but they (mostly) respect my boundaries.

Probably because OP was busy. Do you meet people whenever they want you to regardless of your existing plans?

I also personally hate it when friends do this. I’m not a massively social person and feel awkward around new people but recognise this as a ‘me problem.’ In the past in this situation I have gone along anyway and usually had a nice time even with the 3rd person there or cancelled it (depending who the third person is!) with a different excuse knowing that my friend still had somebody to hang out with.

You sound really heavy.
If I was your friend, I'd be inviting another friend along too in anticipation of it being a really heavy and loooooong conversation, in the hope that adding a 3rd person would dilute things a bit, add a bit of fun and stop the 1 to 1 emotional dependency and heaviness.
Actually if it was me and you'd said no to inviting the 3rd person, I'd be dreading the meet up.

OP, I suspect what’s happened is your friend was chatting to her other friend about her upcoming weekend or whatever and mentioned that she going for a bottomless brunch lunch with a friend. Her friend may reacted like wow that sounds so much fun and your friend probably thought the more the merrier. Some people instinctively like to invite someone to something when they express an interest.

So please don’t take it as a sign that she didn’t want a 1:1 with you, she was probably just trying to be inclusive.

Meet your friend, have a great time and don’t worry about the people here calling you a drama llama and ott, they can’t say no to anyone so are bewildered by you gently telling your friend you want to keep it as a 1:1 with her.

You must have awful friends. OP sounds fine.

Tell her that. Tell her that you were looking forward to see her because you wanted to speak with her in private as you value her opinion and support and you have been through a bad time. Tell her that you can book the three of you another time.
No need to cancel.

Well done for being honest that you would rather keep the catch up to just the 2 of you.

People saying your reaction was OTT don't seem to have appreciated that your thoughts were mainly kept to yourself and all you said to your friend was that you would rather stick to the original plan. YANBU.

Maybe her friend is having a rough time and she thought meeting up with you for a bottomless brunch would cheer you all up. Try and see the other side of things, you could have made another friend going forward, I certainly have. I wouldn't have picked this type of place for a heart to heart, enjoy it tho and try in the future to realize it's not all about you.

You lost me at intimate things for us both to download on.

My sister dud this once
I politely bowed out.
Sister then cancelled the other friend.

This.

On her part it may have just been one of those decisions you make without really thinking about it, but where no harm is intended. There might be all sorts of reasons why she invited this woman: She may not feel comfortable with her but couldn't get out of meeting up with her and felt it would be more tolerable if you were present too. I do that sort of thing all the time. We all do, don't we? I wouldn't jump to conclusions about how she values you or the friendship. She quickly changed the arrangement back to the original schedule which speaks volumes about the value that she places on your relationship. You are obviously feeling a little fragile right now, but this is not the time to pull back from meaningful friendships. Try to draw a line under this and enjoy meeting with your friend.

But we don't know the nature of their friendship. Perhaps they are used to doing this for each other.

I think the world is split into two types of people: “more the merrier” types and those who are not and who prefer to be selective about who they see and when and with whom. And neither is wrong - it’s just a very different approach. I do think you have to be particularly careful with one on one meetings, though - as that’s where another person changes the dynamic the most - and it sounds like this friend has read your mood and your preferences wrongly.

That said - I do think you’ve let your reaction spiral a bit here - it doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you and doesn’t want to see you. She probably just didn’t think all that much about it in the face of someone else asking if she was free at the same time.