To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

[Sundaycoffee]

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

You're not really going against the flow. The consensus seems that yes, extra people do change the dynamic and it's not always positive.

But the friend didn't add anyone. She ran the possibility by OP first and was fine with sticking to the original plan.

Bottomless brunch is an odd choice for that sort of catch up. Getting shitfaced with constant interruptions isn’t conducive to deep and meaningful conversation.

I do if they start talking about 'downloading'. Didn't used to and was left completely drained. I'm done with that.

Exactly.

Her ‘more the merrier’ sounds a bit more fun.

‘Downloading’ personal problems over a bottomless brunch sounds a bit…intense.

It doesn’t always work out like that.

My friend of 25 years is lovely, we have never fallen out and she has always supported me and vice versa.

But there have been periods where she had some uni or work friends that she was impressed by. I definitely felt de trop in those meet ups, most of her focus was on her friends. I just passed on a lot of those meet ups.

We weathered through it, those friendships of hers are gone but we’re still great friends as I understood she can have different friendships with different people, and so can I.

Over sensitive and over thinking! This type of social anxiety is way too common nowadays mostly due to the fact that there is little spontaneity in the way we meet up with each other and as meet ups tend to be “booked” way in advance, there is far too much build up around it all.

be vulnerable and say you feel awkward about asking her not to bring her friend, and a bit worried in case she doesn’t love you as a friend as you do her,

I really wouldn’t! It’ll make you sound very needy.

I think you both have very different expectations of this catchup. Bottomless brunch isn't really the time or place for deep personal conversations. She probably wants to relax and have a laugh, not have a serious chat about your woes

I feel the same, the type of conversation you want to have I wouldn’t feel comfortable having it in public- at home with comfies and coffee yes but a bottomless brunch should be fun.

A deep and serious catch up, or a social and fun afternoon.

I know which I’d prefer.

Oh for sure it doesn't always work out. Most of the time it does though - at least for a diverting and enjoyable few hours.

Really? If I was suspecting a friend was going to emotionally unload onto me then I’d be looking for unlimited booze to get through it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I voted YABU because she asked and you said you would rather she didn't and she simply accepted that. No big deal made by her so unsure why you are making it into one.

Perhaps the "bottomless brunch" suggested to her that it was a social fun occasion rather than a heart to heart. But either way you said no and she was fine with it.

Isn’t a bottomless brunch meant to be loud, boozy and well….fun?!

I would have thought the more the merrier. It seems an add choice of booking for a private 1-1 chat.

I’d just be grateful to have a friend to go out with. I think you’re being precious

Why not see if friend can overlap you I'd say to my friend something along these lines:
Would love to catch up on a 1:1 first as not seen you for ages and suspect (other friend) might be bored with my news, why not see if your friend can join us later at say about (time, however long you think) so I can meet her too, I'll then have to dash off about (half an hour later or so, so as to not look rude) so you can then catch up properly with your friend too.

Again, the AIBU wasn't about preferring one-on-one meets, it was about cancelling her friend just for suggesting it.

What a mean girls thread. The poster was only asking for opinions. Personal attacks on someone you absolutely don’t know. Nice.

1. I think it was unreasonable of your friend to put you on the spot by putting that on you at this stage. Unless you were both good friends with the other woman.

If I had a very good reason to want to include the other one, the most I'd do is mention that I think they'd like to come but that it would change the dynamic. That would make it easier for you to say no by just agreeing with that.

If I was feeling like you are I would have said I wasn't keen on changing the dynamic this time but, as part of that conversation, I would naturally also have asked my friend why she wanted to bring the other person.

2. Your feelings of unhappiness at having been put on the spot are NBU.

3. But assuming the worst about why it was asked is unreasonable (to yourself). If you cancel you will never know and will continue to feel awkward with that friend.

4. I agree with those saying some posts are harshly worded (given that you posted because the request has knocked your confidence in the friendship a bit}, the ones suggesting you could be a vampire friend.

It could just as easily be nothing like that at all. So please don't take that all badly to heart.

If you were already wondering about that, you could ask your friend as part of conversation at the brunch. But only if you feel able to accept hearing it if it's true, and only if you'd feel able to recognise it as her just being honest about her own limits/needs rather than trying to hurt you.

I mean ask her calmly in an "I just feel I'd better check not piling too much on you" way, not accusing her of judging you. But only if you think there is a possibility of it. It sounds from your posts as though confiding/venting has been a 2 way street in the friendship so there's maybe no need to ask unless you pick up any vibe that she's feeling differently at the brunch this time.

TLDR:

Your friend was unreasonable to put you on the spot like that. But since you don't know why she asked, it's best to not even try to second guess it.

If I were you I would tell myself to assume the best and go to the brunch but, if anything on the day made me think that maybe it's true that she wasn't up for such heavy discussions, then I'd ask her about it, in a "wanting to check it's not overloading you" way.

(But I would have already asked her why she wanted to add the 3rd person anyway, when she asked. Not by messaging though! I would have tried to find a time that was OK to briefly phone her so I could ask as part of replying to her, with no risk of it being read in the wrong tone).

Well,

1. A tacky bottomless brunch ( an excuse for women to be absolutely paralytic by 2.00pm) is not the place for a heart to heart 1-2-1 joint therapy session.
2. I also hate extra people being invited to social occasions when my expectations are set in stone. So, whilst you are not BU to be annoyed by your friend wanting to invite a 3rd person, it does sound like she doesn't want the kind of meet up you do. Just because you were there for her, it doesn't mean she has to automatically reciprocate.

Do you not chat on the phone in between meeting up if you have a problem that's been going on so personal that you need her undivided attention? Bottomless brunches are really for light hearted catch ups.
She asked, you said no, she said OK and hasn't cancelled. I don't really understand the issue here.

She invited the other friend as she may have got the feeling it would be a bit of a downer with just you and her offloading each others problems.

By inviting the other woman it would be more of a jolly meet up and having fun talking about good stuff as you obviously wouldn't feel comfortable about discussing personal problems in front of her.

This feels so familiar. I have a friend who turns every meeting into a kind of therapy session with her talking endlessly about the latest problems in her life for most of the time we spend together. When I was younger I used to enjoy the intensity and drama of it, then began to feel bored and used. Now I'm actively angst-avoidant. I'll happily listen to someone if they have serious, pressing issues but I'm so over the psychodrama stuff. And gossip. I have zero tolerance of it. I increased the gaps between meetings as far as possible and when we do get together I try not to engage and to change the subject. Maybe next time I'll take someone else.

I had never heard of bottomless brunches until this thread and assumed it meant bottomless food until I read some later posts. OP I hope you don't mind my slightly straying to say I'm curious how a bottomless alcohol meal can even work from a pricing/business point of view.

Back on topic, how judgy of people to assume a meet up with wine has to be a cheery affair.

If I was meeting a friend for a mutual catch-up, get things off our chests etc meal and we planned to drink with it, surely it would be up to us whether we felt a bottomless brunch would suit us best.

Or is it in the small print of bottomless brunches that "all conversation must be sunshine and smiles to take part in this deal"?