To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

[Sundaycoffee]

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

I see what you mean since you know that friend well enough to know that she would take it personally, and be hurt, no matter how you put it.

Thank-you for responding. I hope you are currently in a good spot, but if you are not then I hope a good spot is not far away.

That was interesting thanks!!

I thought it was going to be something else, about people who try to second guess what someone is thinking about a situation vs those who just ask them.

But my head probably went there at the article title because that's where my thoughts often go when reading AIBUs.

We're all different, OP. Many will say it's good to add more people into a social situation, more fun etc. I, like you, would rather that not happen, especially when you've been planning to 'catch up' for a while, have things to discuss and don't really know the other person.

There's nothing wrong with being honest or going with what's best for you. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with a friend 1-1.

I see both sides, if my friend suggested she would prefer 1 to 1 I would presume she had something to tell me and I would respect that. If however she made a habit of it I would struggle as i find 1 to 1 a bit intense and prefer meeting in groups. So I guess it depends on context and if OP is a clingy friend normally.

Personally I hate it when people invite others along. I have a friend who does this a lot, not just me but with everyone. Many years ago when I was young and in my 20s I arranged to meet her for lunch on a Friday, 7 days after my mother died. We picked somewhere by her workplace. I saw her walk out of the building as I was there early and saw her bump into someone, pointing to the restaurant and gesturing. She brought a randomer to lunch, yes I knew this girl but not very well. I am still friends with the same person but honestly on some level I didn't ever forgive and forget the unbelievable insensitivity of it. Just wanted to share that and get it off my chest!

The question isn't was the friend BU to invite a 3rd but was OP BU to CANCEL the whole thing because she took this as some deep, personal slight

Thanks for this! Its very interesting. It describes the difference between my sister and I perfectly. She is textbook asker, I'm a guesser. Its not surprising that she generally has more success in life!

Yes, it was interesting.

I had very similar situation this week. Friend and I booked for cinema and I asked if we should invite others "or keep it cosy". She replied "just you and me" and I said "Lovely".

We're both askers.

I suppose the difference is that the value of a 1-1 was actually voiced in my question.

I suppose OP's friend could have included something like that in her acceptance of the "no" and none of this second guessing would have been necessary.

I don't think either are being unreasonable. I know personally I have very little free time so I'd rather meet my friends in groups however if you don't know the other person well that does change the dynamic for you. I think you both dealt with it right and it's nothing to worry about.

You're definitely not being unreasonable although most of here probably won't agree with me.

I'm an introvert so to me I'd find it extremely uncomfortable and I'd actually be hurt that the friend even suggested it to be honest 🤷‍♀️

If she suddenly cancels between now and then then I guess you’ll know she’s miffed and would rather it was the three of you and your suspicions will be proved right.
But as it stands right now you said you’d rather not, she accepted it and the lunch date is still on so I wouldn’t overthink.

SHE ' S not being unreasonable as such by inviting another person but the fact that the New girl not part of a ' Bonded' group ( it is possible for a group of more than 2 girls can be solidly ' Bonded' which makes no difference who joins lunches) Then shes on dodgy ground .
YOU feel betrayed, as its possible you might spill private information to a unknown bystander.
This is borderline out of order.
Not the actions of a Loyal friend.
The original reason to meet has changed. From a interpersonal discussion to a superficial lunch date.
Message her and say " when can we meet to have a heart yo heart..???????..
B. T. W. Dont feel too put out because you could have suffered a deeper hurt if you had messaged her and she said " Actually, theres already four of us at table so your presence is not required. " As what happened to me.!!!!!!!

Ooh - that Askers Vs Guessers thing is pure gold, it's put a whole new perspective to my relationship with my Mum!

Completely unreasonable. She asked (didn’t tell!) and when you said no she said okay and respected your feelings. Relax and get a grip.

I understand you not wanting her to bring another friend but YABU to want to cancel even after you said no and she said ok.

You are making it sound like an appointment with a therapist rather than a fun boozy meet up. If she's organising it then I guess she can invite another friend.

I don't think bottomless brunch is the moment to discuss personal stuff 1-1. It's supposed to be a chance to relax.

Are you 12?

It's great isn't it!

You sound unhinged. She asked a simple question. Your overreaction is unjustified and quite scary. Seek therapy because your insecurities are not her problem.

Maybe she doesn’t want to have all your stuff dumped on her
sorry op

There are some incredibly shallow (and unkind) posts on this thread.

Judging by the tone of some posts I'm wondering if some people have any friends themselves.

You may be vulnerable and needy right now. You may not be the greatest company right now. You may be a bit of a diva, who expects girlfriends to listen endlessly to your woes. She may have invited a friend just to "diffuse" the impact of the needy you. But I suspect you picked this friend for a 1:1 because you expect a certain response from her that you feel you need right now. Maybe she doesn't have it to give right now.

The amount of bonkers in this post! Bonded, 'on dodgy ground' betrayed 'borderline out of order' 'not a Loyal friend? All of the above is absolutely bat shit!!

I don’t think it’s an OTT reaction at all, I only spend time with people who I care about and are important to me. I have a busy life and I don’t have the energy to waste my time on people I don’t know that well or don’t have time to bring into my friendship group. I would cancel, what’s the point. You will just end up talking surface rubbish and feeling disappointed.

You were being entirely reasonable to want it to be 1-1 and to express that to her. You had a need, articulated it, and she took it on board and is happy to meet that need. Great! She might have wanted to include another friend if it was ok with you, but she prioritized time with you alone once she knew you wanted that.

You are being utterly unreasonable to consider cancelling now, and quite frankly it makes you sound like a lot of work.