To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

[Sundaycoffee]

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

You’re getting a hard time OP. I think some people just don’t have the energy to be themselves with people they’re not 100%comfortable with. You may be an introvert and that’s absolutely fine.
I totally get you. You didn’t want to spend the whole brunch talking about your problems, but with a stranger there you can’t even say “I feel really bad about this” and talk about something even for a few minutes. The whole thing would have to be kept lighthearted and probably superficial with a stranger there. When me and my friends get together we TALK! Husband problems, the stuff we love, we hate our jobs, we love our jobs, so and so is going our head in, holiday plans, isn’t life shit, isn’t life great.
Two of my closest friends and I were in a lovely pub a year or so back, proper deep conversation, two of us cried, then 10 minutes later we were laughing. We’ve known each other 30 years and when you’re close you can do that. Not so much if there is someone you’re not close to.
YANBU. If there is a certain dynamic it does change when others are involved.

I've noticed in the past few years, there's been a bit of a tendency towards people shying away from social encounters or opportunities to meet new people. I don't think it's a healthy trend.

Not at all the case for me. I do a very people heavy job, I'm currently doing online dating, I meet new people all the time. But I spend my social time and social energy carefully and prefer not to use it up hanging around with random people that I don't care about. And that's my choice to make. How I spend my time is my business.

This, you saw her last month and this There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on doesn't sound like the funnest of chats for a 'bottomless brunch'!

I can see why you’d feel like that but I don’t think that’s the case. As others have said, maybe she didn’t want the conversation to be so deep and wanted to keep things slightly lighthearted. Or maybe she wanted to invite the other friend along but knew that you and her still had things to talk about which could have been done during another meet up.

Again, this is all a guess! I think you should still go ahead and see you’re friend. The other friend isn’t coming and you can still have a good time

Some very mean and unnecessary posts on here, why do some people have to be so nasty, smacks of bullying.

I hope you have a nice time with your friend OP

@Sundaycoffee

I think this is just a "different people, different perspectives" thing.

I agree with you - having arranged something with one (or even multiple) people, it seems rude to me to then add/ask extra to join, because to me it does always change the dynamics, and I like 121 or small groups best.

But I have other friends for whom they don't see it as at all rude, and will do it fairly frequently - it's simply that to them, the perspective is "more time to spend with more friends, yay!"

Now I just live with including the extra, or say "I'd prefer it to be just us this time" (which they respect), and don't read into it something that they don't intend at all.

Enjoy your catch up.

Sorry but I think your friend has decided that she doesn't want the lunch to become the pair of you downloading your problems to each other and has invited this other person to prevent that.

Totally agree. A “friend” (who is now not a friend),did this to me once, and the random woman she brought was unpleasant and rude to say the least. It was a really horrible experience. YANBU Op.

Wanting 'DMCs' once a month is perhaps a bit much even for close friends? Try to lighten up, OP, and you may enjoy going out 'a trois'.

Do you think the other friend heard about the lunch and put her on the spot?

I think your are spiralling a bit from her asking the other person to join. It doesn't mean you're not enough, but she knew the other person was free and thought it would be fun. She's not to know that you really wanted 1:1 without asking.

You may be overreacting because you've got a lot going on.

Go just the two of you and have a great time!

It's bottomless brunch, not therapy.

This. It all sounds a bit intense.

Although I would probably agree I'd prefer the 1 to 1 and not invite an another friend as you haven't seen each other in a while, your thought below are OTT. You are overthinking it and you sound like hard work.

I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.

Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask

This is a a complete overreaction. It's fine if you don't want to go but to imply the fact she asked you (which was actually very polite of her) means she thinks you're a shit friend is a ridiculous leap and is total projection on your part. As a PP said, you are creating stories out of incidents that don't warrant it and if you carry on like this, you will alienate people because you'll imagine attacks on your character where none were intended.

The thing is, even if she was going through stuff, not everyone wants to offload all the time. Sometimes when you're going through a hard time you don't want to rake over it all again, sometimes you just want to let your hair down, have fun and have a break from your troubles. That can actually be very healthy to do that. If you want support from her then tell her- say "hey I'd really appreciate a chat with you at some point, I'm struggling a bit at the moment and it would be really helpful". Then she knows your expectations and what you want/need. People don't always know what others need- which is why communication is so key.

Another one who thinks you sound heavy and that your response is over sensitive and prickly. I might not want to meet up with my friends’ friends but I would try not to have this over touchy response and if I did I would give myself a little talking to.

I can see it from both sides. I had arranged to visit a friend of many years. We hadn’t been able to meet up for ages because of the covid restrictions. In that time some life-changing things had happened to me which I knew she’d be jealous of (trust me on this one) so she announced she was inviting an old friend of hers to join us; someone who is known for dominating conversations (probs so she didn’t have to hear too much about my recent turn of fortune) I said “I’d rather she wasn’t there” so she arranged to see her the next evening. On the other side of the coin, I used to know someone who could only talk about themselves and used me as a sounding board and free therapist and it was always a blessed relief when she brought along a mum from the school on a night out cos it meant a different dynamic and the other one didn’t dare offload when she was there.

You said that you wouldn’t want her to attend, she agreed and respected your wishes. Sounds perfect to me!

You are being massively unreasonable, tbh!

I think this stems from a feeling of insecurity from OP. You’re entitled to see your friend 1:1 like originally planned. I have been in the situation where this has happened me, but I wasn’t asked and all of a sudden a boy is at the table who I barely know.
Don’t feel bad for being honest.

So you only see close friends for laughs and fun times?
And you sign post them to a therapist as soon as they start sharing anything "heavy"?

Exactly this.

This.

In my 20s and early 30s almost every social occasion was a chance to meet someone new. Someone would always bring along a new mate or new boyfriend and that's how our social circle expanded. It never occurred to me that some people would have regarded that with horror (indeed I've never encountered this attitude outside MN). I actually miss those days a lot - I'm not sure whether this is related to age or Covid but I meet far fewer new people than I used to. When I host parties I always encourage guests to bring friends.

DP and I caught up with some of his old uni friends last week and they randomly brought along one of their friends. She was lovely frankly I enjoyed her company better than theirs and we'll probably stay in touch - hey presto, a new friend. What's not to like?

And I'm not even particularly extroverted.

But anyway if you just want a one-to-one catch-up that's fine. You told your friend this and she was also fine. So that should be that, right? All this over-thinking and over-analysing about feeling undervalued and wanting to cancel completely is beyond ridiculous. Frankly, it's an egocentric hissy fit. The OP is stamping her foot because she's not the centre of her friend's universe.

YANBU I would feel a bit put out because she knew it was going to be a catch up including some personal stuff. I’d feel like she didn’t really care about that. I know some people on here are saying they can’t see the issue but I know I would (and I’m the least ‘hard work’ friend around).

Another factor for me is that my friends are my friends because I like them, and by and large I trust their taste in people (they are, after all, friends with me). So it stands to reason that I'll enjoy meeting someone else they like.