To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

[Sundaycoffee]

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

If someone gave me the heads up that it was going to be a bit of a downer, I’d probably want to bring someone else along too.

@SoapiesChoice The friend didn't put the OP on the spot: she asked in advance and the OP said no and the friend said 'OK'. Perfectly reasonable. Putting OP on the spot would involve turning up with the third party at the meeting, giving OP no say in the matter.

She was NBU to ask. You were NBU to say no. She accepted your response and hasn't pushed you on it. That's reasonable all round. YABU and a bit precious to say that the event is now tarnished.

I am going to say this gently because I don't think there's any evidence that your company alone won't be enough, but is it possible that she isn't in a place to listen to a trauma dump and wants this to be a lighter event? You're looking forward to a deep-and-meaningful but you need to be sure that this is what she wants, too.

I'm not sure it's a trend as such. I do think lockdown has made a difference, but I think that's partly because a lot of introverts (not necessarily assuming OP is one btw, I'm just giving my views from my own standpoint) have come to realise they don't have to go through life constantly pretending to be extrovert in order not to be seen as antisocial, and mentally exhausting themselves doing stuff they don't really want to do. I think people (both extrovert and introvert) are just being more selective these days, and personally I think that's healthy. Life isn't a one-size-fits-all thing, and it's too short to waste on doing stuff that doesn't feel meaningful.

It's fine that you're not keen to meet up with a third person that you don't really know very well.

However, being annoyed that she even asked and talking about things being 'tarred' and 'feeling undervalued' is a massive overreaction.

I also think that perhaps your friend is actually not as keen on the idea of 'downloading' as you are. Maybe she was worried that the two of you would end up spending the whole brunch talking about really heavy stuff when she was more keen to have more of a laugh?

Could you not briefly explain that you want to ask her advice about how the bereavement affects you. Or something else that is personal but lighter IYSWIM.

I can see why it would be a bit annoying, but she adjusted as soon as you said you would rather be just you two. It might be her other friend is going through a lot and and she wanted to pick her up too - usually more context to these things. I think you have a right to be a little bit irritated she suggested she bring a third wheel but given she said no probs when you said no, you need to let it go x

She asked, you said no, so she has not invited them. What is your problem exactly?

I recall a few years ago I was meeting a friend and was going to be talking about a break up, I was a bit depressed also due to family bereavements and also period issues (yeah great stuff!). She ended up bringing along her new boyfriend. This boyfriend ended up tagging along on future meetups too, which I didn't mind as he was nice (they're now married) but it could always be slightly awkward.

It turned out down the line that he'd moved to London from the North when they met, had no friends in London and was lonely. My friend also didn't want him to come along every time but he put pressure on her to come along. I get his predicament but I also think that sometimes, especially in these situations, you'd say "oh yes, you're seeing Gonna today, I'll let you have some girl time together and go to the pub/play sport and maybe catch up with you at the end of your catch up".

Now when we meet up he's sometimes there but we meet far more on a 1-1 basis - trickier as she has a 9 year old. But my friend relishes 1-1 time and an evening out without DH and kids!

@Globules - I see what you say and how this friend has phrased this. But if OP would like a heart to heart with her friend, she needs to say this really, rather than expect her friend to be a mindreader.

Oh dear. My heart sinks when I see a negative poster validating an OP's negative thinking.

It's really sad that you judge other people so harshly, especially when it's you that ends up losing out and feeling bad.

You'd be daft to cancel. Only spiting yourself.

It's ok to feel like that for a fleeting moment, but you need to take her response at face value, and go and meet her. She asked, you said no, move on.

I think you are right to feel a bit miffed. I probably wouldn't have said no to the friend coming though.

But would have booked in another date and had my friend over so she couldn't ask anyone else.

So she would have got the message.

You're absolutely right. It wasn't important to her to catch up with just you, she doesn't need you in the same way you need her

I can hear that being said in Eeyore's voice. Good friendships aren't based on need. I have a variety of friends, some of whom live in difficult circumstances (terminally ill partners, children with MH issues, money and housing troubles) and we talk about 'deep' stuff, but they aren't needy — just sad or anxious sometimes and I'm there to listen. But often they want to meet up to have a laugh and talk about ideas and anything other than what's going on at home.

Sorry to have to say it but nothing's less attractive than neediness and people will run from it. Other people don't exist to meet your needs.

I agree but it does explain why so many people bemoan the the fact they have no friends and they've all drifted away/don't want to spend time with them etc

This poor friend has done absolutely nothing wrong (she even agreed to the other friend not coming) yet posters are agreeing with the OP that she's a bad friend. No wonder so many people end up alone.

I had never heard of bottomless brunches until this thread and assumed it meant bottomless food until I read some later posts. OP I hope you don't mind my slightly straying to say I'm curious how a bottomless alcohol meal can even work from a pricing/business point of view.

have only done it once. At Las Iguanas it’s a restricted menu of smaller-than-usual food and then unlimited drinks - the cocktails are mostly ice and Prosecco isn’t expensive. Soft drinks cost the business pennies. We had 8 rounds during ours. Think it was about £38 per head. They easily made money (8 of us, 1 waitress for 2x hours (also had other tables).

I think you are assuming that your friend inviting someone else along means she didn't want to meet you alone. From my perspective it doesn't have to mean this at all. She may have thought you'd get along really well with the other friend and might appreciate the opportunity to make another, new friend. She may have thought the three of you easily could talk about deeper stuff, not just small talk, because she sees the three of you gelling well. Totally fine if you don't think this or don't want to meet with the other friend, but I think you shouldn't just jump to the conclusion that it meant your friend didn't want to talk to just you.

To be honest, 1:1 sounds like a business meeting. Maybe your friend doesn't want the intensity and would rather a bit more light-hearted?

Hmmm. On another thread you were saying a friend really irritated you by double texting you. Perhaps that friend also assumed that you did not value her and was thinking the exact same thing you are right now.

See how it works both ways?

You have a limited time slot - usually 1.5 - 2hrs. In some places they are deliberately slow to top up drinks, or they have a policy that they won't top up everyone's drink until everyone on the table has finished their glass. The drinks are often mixed weaker than the standard servings from the bar. There was a long thread about them a little while ago.

She asked you if it was ok so clearly cares about what you think.
Perhaps this other friend has been going through so tough times too and she was trying to be supportive. I don't think you should worry though or let it put a dampener on your day.

If it were true that "People are just doing what will naturally make them most happy, as opposed to the pas when people were forced to socialize when this made them unhappy," we'd be seeing general improvements in happiness and mental health.

In reality of course the opposite is the case.

Jon Haidt has written about this, but even people who define themselves as introverts seem to become happier and have better mental health when pushed to socialize with others. They don't seek it or want to do it, but it's better for them. (c.f. exercise, or putting screens down: people often shrink from doing it, but their mental health improves when they are pushed to do so).

The OP should try thinking of "meeting new people" as a kind of exercise for her socialization "muscles."

I have a friend who does this and it really irritates me. I think she does it because she’s very busy and likes to be able to “tick off” catching up with several friends at once rather than having to meet us all separately.

So I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be annoyed but since she then listened to your feedback and didn’t invite the other friend, I think it would be odd to cancel on her now.

So you told your friend you'd rather it be the 2 of you, she agreed to this and you're still debating telling her to catch up with the other friend and you'll meet her another time? That is bordering full on drama llama territory!!

I'm assuming she's already made her excuses to the other friend so you cancelling means she'd left high and dry.

Seriously?

She has already agree not to bring her other friend, OP should drop it not go asking if she is loved or not.

Honestly your reaction comes across as OTT and you seem intense.

She asked, which is fine... you said preferably not, which is fine... no need to be dramatic and throw toys out the pram.