Do you like being a parent?

[rowin]

Hey all, I have just found out that I am pregnant. I am 26 and not quite sure if I am ready to become a mother but know that I do want children in the future.

I am going back and forth constantly, one minute I think that I definitely will be going ahead with the pregnancy and am ready for the next chapter.

The next minute I think about my care free life right now and lack of responsibilities and think that I can't do it. I see those my age who have children and it makes me feel quite down thinking that it could be me having to do children activities and not being able to do what I want.

I am really struggling with this right now and am looking for experiences and advice from the wise (hopefully) people of Mumsnet.

Do you regret having children? Do you actually enjoy being a mother? Is it really the best feeling in the world like some say?

I hope this isn't an insensitive post, I have been extremely down in the past week since finding out so am seriously trying to make my decision.

Parenting Is hard at the best of times without additional needs to navigate- so I can’t imagine anyone would even dare flame you or shame you for saying your set of circumstances is difficult. It sounds so hard and it’s ok to share that. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly in the circumstances.

I am in awe of parents like you - and your stress and worry indicates just how much you love your children.

I hope you find some small ways to get some respite and look after yourself too. xx

I'm very maternal. I love to snuggle my little ones and to care for them. However I didn't think properly about the implications of having children and the lack of any life of your own - and it's very hard. On the plus side yours may well have moved out when you're 45 or so, then you could have a life again whilst still you enough to live it. I also hadnt factored in how emotionally hard it is - constant mum guilt, worrying about if they are getting what they need, struggling to balance work and kids. I think if you love your life now you might regret it. But you might regret an abortion. Only you can decide really, sorry 😕

That was not the implication at all. The poster said her life was brilliant pre kids and they have basically ruined her life; and the only people who enjoy parenting can only do so because they had a shit life beforehand. Read her comments; she does come across as narcissistic because she seems to see her kid like an inconvenience. I don’t get why people like that would try SO hard to have a kid and not have thought about whether they are actually up to job.

I have huge respect for people who think parenting isn’t for them; and appreciate there are many selfless reasons why one might choose not to do it / also many who are desperate to and can’t. It’s not my place to judge and certainly never assume or imply childless women are selfish.

I do think it’s really sad to have kids and say you would have terminated them if you could go back in time and that they’ve ruined your life. Just seems to be some psychological issues going on there that will no doubt cause huge lifelong pain to the kids.

I love being a parent. I'm someone who needs my own space and time to function well and be the parent I want to be. By having a supportive partner and only having one child, this is possible - I have plenty of time to myself, still enjoy my career, travel etc but also have my wonderful, incredible daughter who brings me so much love and joy. I'm a brilliant mother, didn't realise how instinctive it would be, it was incredible to find that out about myself - that I had this innate ability to mother her well.

There are some sacrifices yes, but if you have a good partner there's no reason why you can't still go out and have time to yourself.

This kind of judgement is what makes people who maybe regret having kids really scared to speak up, which is why a more rounded realistic view of parenthood isn't out there publicly.

OP imagine having an incredibly messy housemate who you had to do all cooking and cleaning and laundry for, who shouted and screamed on a daily basis and who you had to pay for everything for and who you couldn't leave alone. This is the shit bit of young children... There is so much amazing joyous stuff too but the relentless daily drudgery, the lack of freedom and the expense is a lot.

I would say if you have some support you don't have to say goodbye to your old life completely.
You can still go on nights out, even hols if you have trustworthy people in your life to help / a supportive partner.
My baby's nine months old and we've been to Spain on holiday twice and several breaks away already. He's been with me on lots of lunch / coffee breaks with friends.
He's been in to work, lots of meals out, many lovely walks during mat leave.
He's basically fitted into our lives perfectly, though we seem to have been blessed with a chilled out baby, and they are all different.
And of course the responsibility is immense. Your priorities completely change.
I totally understand you might not be ready yet, and I wouldn't have been at your age, but on the plus side, you would still be relatively young once baby is all grown up.
Only you can decide.
Good luck!

My life is nothing like it was pre kids, it's very full on and you can feel very touch out at times. As most things there are easy days and hard days. Usually the good out weighs the bad.

I do absolutely love being a mum though wouldn't change it for the world

Yes, I love it...but it isn't easy. It has made a huge difference to the sort of life we have.

I found the baby and toddler years very full on. Those years are something I look back on now and think how lovely they were, but that is probably rose tinted spectacles. I often found it hard ansd stressful at the time. I was so worried about them- they're so helpless and it was my responsibility to keep them safe. So, a big deal and not something I'd ever experienced before. I also didn't have any help from family (except dh), so I felt a little isolated.

Now they're much more self sufficient and their own people, they are really good company and I can't wait to see them when I pick them up from school. It is a lot of fun!

Good luck to you

I love being a parent. I was older than you when I became a mum though and felt I'd experienced a lot from life and wouldn't be missing out on things.

There are some things I didn't fully appreciate, like the impact on my career and how utterly annoying children can sometimes be but no regrets. I love my DC so much and (mostly) treasure the time I spend with them.

My children are both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I love them both fiercely, they are funny and kind and give me the family that I always dreamed I'd have. They surprise me every day and one of the best things about children is watching them discover the world bit by bit. Their wonder at life itself is incredible. I had my first child at 28, and for me the timing was right - my twenties had been great fun and I was ready for the next stage.

But I also mourn my old life on a near daily basis. I'm exhausted, I'm enormously fat these days, my career has nosedived (I earn less now than I did when I was 20), and I'm not a particularly interesting person anymore as my life revolves around small children in a small village. I never get time to myself and when I do sneak a rare few hours I don't know how to make the most of them because I don't have any hobbies anymore. My children are now the only thing that defines my life, and that's incredibly depressing.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if you have a supportive partner - the one thing I do know is that my husband is my rock and there's no way I'd have wanted to have children on my own.

For context, my children are 6 and 4, so still very young and we're going through a raft of behavioural issues with the elder one. I hold onto hope that it will get easier and the good days will outstrip the bad ones!

Not sure if any of this helps, but hopefully it gives you a realistic picture of life with kids.

My two were easy as babies and toddlers. So much fun. Now they’re 7 and 9, I don’t find half as much enjoyment. The constant bickering, screeching and non stop verbal diahorrea leaves me wanting to hide in a quiet field far, far away. They are angels when they are apart from each other though and are also model students at school, which winds me up even more because teachers think they are so well behaved!

I had DD at 26. Some things were really,really shit. Some things were really,really great. Since she was about 9/10 it's been mostly great and I definitely feel it was worth it. I'd definitely do it again if I knew I'd get the same kid, despite the first shitty years, which ironically I look at wistfully when a baby /toddler pic shows up on my memories . It's not perfect (in so many ways) but it's nice, it's fun and there's so much laughter and love. No regrets( might change my mind once we're in the full blown teen years).

Is that even true though. Everywhere you look the realities of parenting are apparent; there is so much out there on the impact on women’s careers, their bodies, their relationships. If anything I think the culture is to focus more on the negatives and to shame anyone who dares to challenge the narrative that it’s all awful.

Can it really come as a surprise to anyone that having a small totally reliant human to care for is expensive and a lot of extra work? Really!?

It is sad to boil the experience down to all the drudgery and work without any joy for how precious small people are. Do I find the extra work hard? Yes. But would I swap my child for more money to buy shoes with and have a clean kitchen floor? No. I do find it sad for the children of those that would. Yes, super sad because it is super sad. Imagine being the small person whose parent describes you in that way :( it’s desperately sad But also a real human feeling; so if you feel that way, no shame, but you can do something about it and you have a responsibility to do so for your kid. Do talk about it, but don’t stop at just complaining, go speak to someone. Explore why you feel that way, work through it. Much more likely to leave you and your child in a better place.

Or get angry at a stranger on a forum, whichever works :)

it pritty much will be, especially the tantrums,, the lack of time for other duties etc yes i know there many positives too

When did I say my daughter ruined my life?

I also never said I would have terminated, I said I can’t be sure I wouldn’t have.

It’s not your place to judge in general yet here you are. Clearly this is hitting a nerve because you’re really going ott here

I’d say a lot of that is because your baby is still young. Before 10-12 months most babies can be fit into your life. It gets a little harder once they’ve dropped to one nap, and are active!

My DC are 7 and 5 and they are wonderful and I love them more than anything. They’re funny and kind and so loving. I wish I could make the world better for them.

They both have additional needs and being their
mother has ended the life I had before. One of them is barely in school and I spend so much time fighting and navigating the SEN system and trying to get them the right support. Plus having to be a constant stable source of emotional regulation for them is incredibly draining. I am only a mother now. I hope that it will one day be easier and perhaps it will.

Possibly useful:

(1) keep your job going as much as possible, even if you're barely making any money after paying nursery fees - you will keep building seniority/pension contributions, and also gives you a break from the drudgery aspect. If you keep climbing the ranks, you can afford more childcare/a cleaner in a few years when they really get messy!

(2) parents/family may be less in a position to help in 10-15 years' time, depending on health/fitness/mobility.

I don't love parenting every minute of every day, but the unconditional love I feel from and for my children is the world's greatest high. My only regret is not having children when I was younger. 26 would have been the perfect age for me (if I had met my husband by then, which I hadn't).

I expected not to sleep and not to have time to myself so that wasn't a surprise but I don't think you can fully appreciate what being a parent entails until you've done it.

It's easy to focus on what life will be like immediately after having a baby, and what the longer term looks like only hits you later.

Hi!

I accidentally got pregnant when I was 23. This was two years ago (I'm 25).

I don't regret it at all. It's not been easy, but it is so rewarding and I love being a mum. I was scared at first, I cried when I saw the test come back positive. We weren't planning to start a family for quite a few years, so it was quite a shock.

I don't feel like I've missed out, if anything having a child has improved my social life as my friends love my son. Luckily we have our parents close by who don't mind watching him for an afternoon or overnight, so we still go to parties, concerts, the cinema, have dates just the two of us etc.

I'm actually relieved that I have my son (I'm one and done) and that it's all out of the way. I can't imagine life without him, he's so funny and so cheeky. I absolutely adore him.

My DH works from home. We have a 3YO and 4MO. I'm sure that my experience as a parent has been made so much easier just by DH being around more to support me and to witness the challenges I experience day-to-day. So many mothers that I know complain that they're exhausted and feel like they're overloaded because their partners are unsupportive. These are the ones that question their choices.

The other factor, I think, is personality. If you're a Type A that likes things just so then you'll probably find it a lot harder to adapt to your new life. I think Type A parents struggle to accept that they no longer have complete autonomy. People that are more easy-going and chaos embracing tend to roll with the punches and enjoy the highs more in my opinion.

I've never regretted my choice. My life was completely full before children - degree, lots of travel, career with multiple promotions, hobbies, big reno project etc. The thing is, it doesn't matter if you have children at 26 or 36. You'll have a major lifestyle change for the same number of years either way. If your partner is a good one then go for it.

It makes me feel so much better to see that, actually, it's not just me that doesn't enjoy being a parent. We're still relatively new to it and I felt/feel so guilty that I didn't get that life affirming moment that people talk about.

I enjoy it more now my ex husband has gone. For me being a single parent is more enjoyable me and my kids are a team. I enjoy it on the whole

I LOVE being a parent. However I have a big job, as does DH, and we split childcare completely equally, can afford help in the home. I think it'd be harder with less money - and without the balance of a career too - but tbh I'd probably still love it.

I used to come home from work and worry, now I come home and spend all evening playing and giggling with my one year old. There's no comparison that my life is a million times better (but a lot busier).