Do you like being a parent?

[rowin]

Hey all, I have just found out that I am pregnant. I am 26 and not quite sure if I am ready to become a mother but know that I do want children in the future.

I am going back and forth constantly, one minute I think that I definitely will be going ahead with the pregnancy and am ready for the next chapter.

The next minute I think about my care free life right now and lack of responsibilities and think that I can't do it. I see those my age who have children and it makes me feel quite down thinking that it could be me having to do children activities and not being able to do what I want.

I am really struggling with this right now and am looking for experiences and advice from the wise (hopefully) people of Mumsnet.

Do you regret having children? Do you actually enjoy being a mother? Is it really the best feeling in the world like some say?

I hope this isn't an insensitive post, I have been extremely down in the past week since finding out so am seriously trying to make my decision.

I love bits of it. I find other bits really hard. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be a parent at 26 myself (I was 37) but I also think it's probably a bit easier when you're younger - both for your body, but also because your parents are younger and can help more, you have more energy and time if you want more than one, etc. So long as you're financially stable and in a good, sold relationship with a good person, of course.

The worst thing for me is the lack of freedom. I don't want to spend my free time in playgrounds or petting farms. They're fucking boring. But my child loves them and they come first, so I take them there. I would much, much rather be doing my pre-child weekend activities of a mooch around town, day trips with friends, lazy day in bed and night out, etc. All my friends are in the same stage of parenting young children, so I rarely socialise because they're all prioritising their families (so yes, you can still go out when the baby gets older... but not if no-one else wants to go).

It completely changes your life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And it's not narcissistic to slightly regret it or feel like you could have had a perfectly lovely life without them - it's just human. Parenting is hard, and no-one really enjoys doing hard things.

Best thing I've ever done and I've done a fair bit.
Lone mum to three, wouldn't change it

Agree. I absolutely love being a parent, DS is just a wonderful human being. But I have a supportive DH who does his share of childcare - if I was doing it solo, parenting would be 3 times harder and probably quite a bit less enjoyable as a result.

Telling a stranger they haven’t got emotional intelligence is the least horrid thing you’ve said in this thread.

Funnily enough I think we have very different ideas of what emotional intelligence and love means so I’ll happily take your insult :)

It does seem confusing for me that someone would sink Loads of money into ivf without really stopping to think about what they’re doing it for; and whether they truly want children.

I get how an accidental pregnancy or similar might be a different sort of decision, but trying that hard for something without any real awareness of the reality of what you were fighting for or your suitability to becoming a parent seems dangerously irresponsible.

I can see how all the tasks that parenting creates and how much it eats you up could seem like a really crap deal if you didn’t really feel the love for your kid. But I feel sad for you if the ‘hassle’ outweighs the love feelings.

Depends on the child, one of mine brings me joy, kindness, love and happiness and the other brings stress, arguments, defiance and drama.

One I'd have again in a heartbeat and the other I'm not so sure.
As I always try and think it's not that I have a favourite child it's just that I have an easier child. In other words one is a dream and one is a nightmare.

Actually yes I do love being a parent, mine are 12 and 9. Looking back at times when they were younger it was very difficult but I never regretted having kids.
It is something that's a very personal decision though and if your gut is telling you it's not the right time then don't feel bad about that.
Do you have a supportive partner? Parents? Because having that support around you can make all the difference

I was unexpectedly pregnant at 28 and had the same thoughts and worries as you. I was darkly depressed for a period of time, and I was convinced I had ruined my life.

Happily, I absolutely love being a mother. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old now, and they are - without a doubt - the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm actually desperate for another one!

It's hard work. And expensive. I've experienced the lowest lows, along with the highest highs. I have grey hairs and wrinkles and all my clothes are shit. But I wouldn't trade any of it in, my two children are the loves of my life.

Not anymore. Having a shock postnatal diagnosis of a life-limiting condition in my last dc changed me irrevocably, unfortunately. I love my dc but I am stressed, tired, constantly on high alert, and just cannot remember what it feels like to enjoy it anymore. I absolutely miss my 2 older dc, I miss them even though I am pretty much always with them. The condition the youngest has has left me an anxious, stressed, and angry mess.

Obviously my situation is quite rare, but I wish I had only had 2 dc- I wouldn’t have taken on this heartache and chronic worry.

Sorry that sounds so hard - you’re amazing and I hope brighter days are ahead for you. Xx

2 girls

One conceived through coercion in a bad d v relationship

He treated us horrible and we got out when she was small

She is now 6
Feisty and amazing
But def suffers from trauma

My 2 year old is a crazy whirlwind

I'm exhausted but feel so lucky
Def did not come naturally to me and i have very little common sense

But I am blessed beyond belief

Sometimes I do like being a parent, sometimes not
(especially at 3,4 and 5am!). I'm only 9 months into it so it all feels a bit nuts at the moment. I also cried when I found out I was going to be a mum, but then thought that it may be the only opportunity to have a child as I was 34 at the time. I've tried to be as open and relaxed to the massive life changing thing that is having a baby and I think for me that has helped to ride out the shit times. It also helps if you have lots of people around that are willing to help out. I don't think I would've wanted to have a baby at 26, I was having too much fun then.

This is an interesting take as you say your DC are now adults.

FWIW I would want another one even with all the elements I find hard 😂🤷‍♀️. My ovaries know what they want!

i think doing it at your age would be good coz then by the time they are in school you still have your 30s to enjoy? Bit of freedom coming back? As long as you’ve got some money and a decent partner.

im glad I didn’t do it loads younger as I had some MAD boyfriends back then which would have made it much worse than the parental disputes I currently have.

we have no family support at all and that’s hard plus I moved location for work Recently so we don’t have friends either. Parenting with others makes the day a lot nicer so build your community. Or do NCT and make some friends to hang out with.

I found the early years very hard and not really very enjoyable. But now my DC's are a bit older 7 and 9 they really enhance my life and I can enjoy doing some of my hobbies with my children. They have also introduced me to new hobbies. They have enquiring minds so we have some really interesting conversations. They are enjoyable company, the less enjoyable things like having to hang around at other children's parties and going to soft play has stopped. I have made so great new friends through the kids, people I would never have meet otherwise. The difficult hard part in the early years is in reality so short (I think it improved around age 4) and although at times I hated it these early years. I was definitely worth it in my opinion.

I have 3DC age 12, 16 & 20. I started off a lone parent at 24 with my first, then married, had the other two, then went back to being a lone parent after 6 years. Loved parenting alone, hated parenting as a couple.

I'm really glad I did it. It has taught me a lot about myself and improved my personality and circumstances. I was a right dickhead, my DC have changed me for the better. They are the best of me and my life's work. I really like them, they are my favourite people to talk to.

I absolutely, absolutely LOVE being a mum.

It’s the best and hardest and most challenging and most rewarding thing I have ever done.

I was 35 when I became a mum and I have loved every stage. I have teenagers now. God they are fantastic.

So hard though. No days off, constantly learning and improving, and they come hard wired in certain ways and you have to learn to parent them in the ways they need.

And the domestic stuff! I’m really lucky to have a rewarding job and a supportive partner, but the domestic work is still significant.

But I wouldn’t change it. I feel so lucky to be raising three brilliant, useful, fabulous humans.

Hate it. A relentless round of boring repetitive tasks. Little time for myself and stupidly expensive. Trashed my body and my mind. My previous life was way better. If l could go back in time l wouldn’t have them -it was twins

Knew I had made a mistake as soon as I went into labour with my 1st. Nothing in the following 37 years has changed my mind.

Hi, thank you so much. I was (am) prepared to get flamed on here for my comment, but your response has actually made me well up.

I hope this is just a phase that shall pass….

Currently my youngest is pre-verbal, pre-walking, requiring spoon feeding for most meals, hasn’t yet got the capacity for reasoning or setting boundaries, learning “no” etc. She is delayed and eventually will get there (not ever to the same level as her peers, though) but it is just currently relentless and both physically and mentally exhausting. She is 2. It’s definitely getting harder rather than easier- or possibly the prolonged stress is just exhausting me.

I had my children when I was 31 and 34 and I have always said that I wished I had done it earlier.

My sister had her children at 23 and 25, and now at the age of 41 she’s pretty much got her own life back and has a great time!

Meanwhile, I’m 40 with a 6 year old and a 9 year old and “getting my life back” and having the same kind of freedom my sister now has seems a very, very long way away.

When she had children at 23 and 25 I thought she was mad……but on reflection, there are definitely upsides to having then younger!

I had my first at 27. Honestly? Yes I regret having children. I love them with everything I have but given my time again I definitely wouldn’t have any. I think mainly because my eldest son is disabled and will always need 24.7 care and life is such a struggle for him. He’s now an adult now (25) but I worry constantly and over the years that has had a huge impact on our other children.

None of my other kids want children and I’m happy with that.

I love it, but it is stressful and it REALLY hinges on who you’re having said child with. If you don’t choose wisely then you’re in for a lot of disappointment and hard work.

I was a bit older, 28, and 30 with the 2nd one. DH and I had been together since A levels though, so we were very settled.
Every stage has its challenges and highlights.
I’m glad I wasn’t any older as I feel knackered now at 47!
I don’t particularly like little kids, so found the colouring in years a bit dull, but they’re fantastic teenagers and I love their company, and that of their friends now.
The state of the world takes on a new worry when you’ve got kids, and i dont think ill ever stop worrying about them and wanting the best for them.
They’ll be off to Uni soon, both dreading it and looking forward to some peace and quiet!

Oh op, I'm so sorry you've been feeling down. You're going to get such varied responses here that I'm not sure it'll help you make up your mind.

From my perspective, it fundamentally changed me. When they were born and I saw their characters develop, it was like I'd known them all my life.

I don't regret having them. I enjoy being a mum. It has given me a sense of purpose and fulfillment like nothing else I've done in my life. They're my greatest achievement, with no exception.

Now the tough bit: there have been times when I've been brought to my knees by my youngest, I have cried like never before in my life, I have never been sadder, nor felt like such a failure. At times. She's neurodivergent, and it's fair to say she's challenged us in ways that her elder brother never has done.

But my word, she makes my heart sing and has also made me laugh harder than at any other time in my life. Raising her has made discover things about myself that I never knew before. She's made me think differently about the world, and I'll be forever grateful to her for that.

Nobody can make the decision for you. All I'll say is that I don't think anyone is ever truly 'ready' for children - even those who have wanted them for years and are overjoyed at becoming pregnant.

Good luck, whatever you decide. And take care of yourself.

I absolutely love being a parent. But there is no way I would have wanted to be one at 26.