Do you like being a parent?

[rowin]

Hey all, I have just found out that I am pregnant. I am 26 and not quite sure if I am ready to become a mother but know that I do want children in the future.

I am going back and forth constantly, one minute I think that I definitely will be going ahead with the pregnancy and am ready for the next chapter.

The next minute I think about my care free life right now and lack of responsibilities and think that I can't do it. I see those my age who have children and it makes me feel quite down thinking that it could be me having to do children activities and not being able to do what I want.

I am really struggling with this right now and am looking for experiences and advice from the wise (hopefully) people of Mumsnet.

Do you regret having children? Do you actually enjoy being a mother? Is it really the best feeling in the world like some say?

I hope this isn't an insensitive post, I have been extremely down in the past week since finding out so am seriously trying to make my decision.

I love my son more than anything in the world. I do not like being a parent at all.

I had DD1 when I was 18. It was a struggle….I had DD2 when I was 26 and DS when I was 28…the struggles were the same.
There was crap times and wonderful times, skint times and less skint times, tired times and well rested times, times I wished I was out clubbing at 2am and times there was nowhere else I’d rather be than reading Hugless Douglas to a teething baby at 2am.

Now, years down the line….DD1 has her own home and children. DD2 is starting 6th form and DS is out with his mates more than he’s home. I look back and my god I miss them being little, it’s true, it goes SO fast but I adore the individuals they’ve become.
They’re my own little ‘gang’ they’re MY people and I love the bones of them.
When you love your children so fiercely that every achievement of theirs is the best feeling ever….it doesn’t get better than that.

So all I can say is…it’s hard work, damn hard work but I wouldn’t change them for anything, ever.

Honestly?

No I do not enjoy being a parent. Its hard, really hard. I don't have/didn't get that 'life affirming' hallelujah moment or feeling.

But I also don't regret becoming a parent, its something we tried hard for and suffered a lot along the way. I think the issue is with me, not the baby

I've generally enjoyed it but I'd say how much you enjoy parenting depends a lot on your support network (or alternatively money, if you have enough of it).

In our case, we live near both our parents who, when kids were young, were able to provide ad hoc babysitting child care for evenings and holidays (though not a regular commitment like having them for full days every week) - this meant DH and I could have a social life and also time just to ourselves which meant we didn't feel like life was 100% babies/children. I'm not talking out every week, but 2-3 times a month generally. I imagine if one has money to pay babysitters or have a full time nanny, then it's also much easier.

I think without that, it can be hard and overwhelming. Parenting is a lot of work and a lot of constraint on you (with many moments of joy amid that), but much easier if you are enabled to have some downtime. I can imagine it feeling quite oppressive if, say, you are on your own and not able to have breaks.

They are the most draining and yet best things in my life. It's such a strange contradiction being a parent.

Don't regret having kids. But feel some stages of their developmental are a lot harder than others. Mine seem to have theirs when I'm exhausted or going through something. I started my family at 20 -I have four kids. I am now 35 and I'm glad I had mine when I did because they're all at a good age that wee can have fun and now limited to what we can do.. However, my sister is the same age and only starting her family now and it reminds me that Im glad to have them when I did.
I would say being a mum is hard. It can be lonely and isolating. I feel with the wrong group of friends, it can be competitive too, which is not helpful!. However, I genuinely wouldn't change being a mum. They drive me mad but they are so much fun. They are so different in some many ways, and watching them grow.

Being a mum is unique to you. You don't really know until you experience it. You hear horror stories and you can hear fairy stories the fact is, it will be up to you.. you might loose some freedom for while but it will come back again.

On balance, no I don’t.

I do regret it.

I might have felt differently if their Father was a different man.

Oh bore off

I love being a parent and would highly recommend it. My daughter lights up my life and fills me with so much love and joy. But the disclaimer is that she's only 7 months old.

I think Leda in 'The Lost Daughter' sums it up pretty well - 'Children are a crushing responsibility.'
Your life completely and utterly changes and I found the first couple of years incredibly difficult in a 'what the hell have I done' way. Then it starts to get easier and they are your world - but the worry about them and their future is always there. My life now though has so much more meaning. I agree with others that it is a huge contradiction, they are the best thing most life changing thing and also the most difficult and stressful thing. The responsibility weighs heavy but I couldn't imagine life without them.

I have found raising adult DC much harder than young DC. And try as I might, I am only as happy as my unhappiest child. This makes life difficult, because most young adults are unhappy these days, and I can't make them happy with icecream, as I could when they were tiny.

I don't think it is that uncommon to feel that way.

Quite a few of my friends that have children and I am talking grown up children and even grandchildren/great grandchildren, say although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any

26 was how old my mother was when she had
me. I always loved how she aged in relation to my growing up. She also thrived as I moved into adulthood. You've got a big decision to make. I can tell you aren't taking it lightly and it's amazingly perceptive that you're aware of what you give up when you become a parent.

I went into motherhood at 31 with a rose tinted vision of what it would be like. It is not easy to be a good parent. Or any parent type of parent, actually. You have to commit, you have to surrender and you have to say goodbye to the life you knew before.

You can't possibly begin to really know how motherhood will feel for you, or what it will be like.. that 24/7 responsibility for another person. It's absolute all-consumingmagic but it's also absolutely horribly shit. And mundane. And repetitive. And restrictive. And frustrating. And exhausting.

Things that make it easier are that willingness to surrender to motherhood. To not try and live your childfree life as a parent. You can't do that. Well maybe you can but I can't. You also have it easier (ImO) if you're in a strong, supportive partnership. Doing the family thing together with a partner is amazing.

So.. no help. Being a parent is great but it's also really not. I want to tell you to enjoy your lie-ins and brunches and Netflix binged and freedom to do whatever whenever. But I also want to tell you how I stared into my newborn's eyes today and she smiled for the first time. And I sat with my son during his piano lesson. I've made these little people and you could make a little person too. It's a tough call. You'll know what the right decision is for you.

I read this quote related to decision-making.. it said that if your gut reaction isn't a 'hell yes', you should say no to that thing. Something to think about.

Yes. I do like it. I think it’s a big part of my identity and I am happy with that. I have a good job and a partner and friends and things but in my brain none of it means as much to me as my DC do. They are grown now but never far from my thoughts. I talk to them all the time. I get excited to see them. They also drive me crazy 😂

It was hard I was a single mum we had no money then. But I don’t even look back with sad or negative memories on that now, I have the rose tinted specs on about how much I miss it. It’s not till they are grown that you realise what an amazing time it was, it just felt so bloody hard at the time but all worth it. I recall it was hard but I wouldn’t swap any of it at all.

I am happier when they are happy too so it’s hard work not letting their feelings really drag you down. Today is a good day so I might answer differently tomorrow 😂.

No one enjoys it all the time and it is the most testing thing you will ever do but fundamentally it is worth it. So hard to explain why.. that kind of love is equally exhilarating and suffocating at the same time.

No, I don’t like it.

Love both my children but do regret having them, if I had my time again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have them.

I don't like it, but it's great. It's not meant to be 'enjoyable'. It's fulfilling and they can be great fun.

The decision is entirely yours. An involved co-parent and support network make a great difference.

If having children is wrong for you, it's wrong for you. If you're weighing things up - 26 isn't 16. I do have friends having a first child in their 40s who find it extraordinarily difficult and exhausting. If you think you want children, there's a lot to be said for having them slightly younger, when your energy levels are higher.

I also have friends who did not expect to have to deal with secondary fertility, who would definitely have started their families earlier if they had known they might have issues.

I absolutely adore my DC, but I don't enjoy being a parent.

Had my first at 16 my second at 18.
I loved it and still do their 19 & 20 now.
Best 2 things in my life wouldnt change them for the world and would not turn the clock back to have them older.
Eldest is 21 this year moved out got a fab partner shes part of the family now and im part of hers.
My youngest has been in his new home 3 weeks .
On with the next chapter of my life now.

My mum was 26 when she had me. I love the fact I'm about to turn 50 and she's still here. I don't think I'll be around when my children turn 50. It's a great age to have children.
Life doesn't end when you have a baby. I still went out and saw friends when mine were babies. Sometimes I was knackered but after the first couple of years you get your mojo back.

Awww, sounds lovely. Your kids are grown and you're still quite young!

I was a bit older than spicedlemonpie when I had mine@rowin but like a bunch of others, have loved being a parent. It's had its trials and tribulations and hasn't always been easy, (TEENAGERS!) 😬But I would never have changed a thing.

90% of the time has been enjoyable and fun and wonderful! They've left education now, and don't need me at all hardly but I am always there if they do! They are wonderful young people, who bring so much joy to my life (and DH's!) Could never be without them!

Congratulations on your pregnancy news. How wonderful! 26 is a lovely age. Younger is OK, and so is older, but 26 is fab IMO.

Yes I do enjoy it immensely but it’s often hard when they’re young. I was in my thirties, had a very much wanted baby, lovely supportive husband, had a career and travelled etc etc, but I still had that “What the fuck have we done?!” moment when sleep deprived with a newborn who wanted to cluster feed all night. But you forget about that quickly I found (or rather the memory of how difficult it was is dulled somewhat). My LO is the best thing that happened to me though. It gets so much easier.

26 is young but not that young. I actually wish I had met my DH earlier to have started in our late twenties.

Hi OP, I was 27 when I got pregnant with my first. I LOVE being a Mum. My life was brilliant before (great marriage, loads of friends, very active social life, fun job) but I remember when she was about 4 months old I was just driving back from the supermarket and it had been so lovely pushing her round in the trolley and making her giggle and I just felt so complete and content in a way that I didn’t even realise I hadn’t been.

I’ve had two more kids since then and, my goodness, there have been challenges, for them and for me and for DH, but being their Mum is my greatest joy and privilege. It really is.

Also, if you think you definitely want kids some day - 26 is a good age. I found I’ve been noticeably less tired and more patient than my friends who had babies in their mid to late 30s and beyond. Possibly because they’d had more time to get used to adult life without them?

The hardest but best thing I've ever done

Oh and I'd wish I'd started having babies at age 26 and not in my 30s

Hi all, I just want to thank you all for your lovely comments and for sharing your own experiences and stories. I have read every single comment and am grateful for the honest and wise words.

To answer some questions, yes I have a supportive partner and we have been together for 3 years. I also have a wonderful family who I know would be very supportive.

It is just a worry for me as I don't know what is for the best. I also think that if I decided to terminate, the chances are that I would want a baby before 30 so don't feel as though it would be right to do that. Very difficult decision

No don’t really enjoy it. Love my DD very much though so if someone offered me a chance to go back in time and undo it I’d probably sigh heavily and say “no thank you”.

But it very much changes your life.