Do you like being a parent?

[rowin]

Hey all, I have just found out that I am pregnant. I am 26 and not quite sure if I am ready to become a mother but know that I do want children in the future.

I am going back and forth constantly, one minute I think that I definitely will be going ahead with the pregnancy and am ready for the next chapter.

The next minute I think about my care free life right now and lack of responsibilities and think that I can't do it. I see those my age who have children and it makes me feel quite down thinking that it could be me having to do children activities and not being able to do what I want.

I am really struggling with this right now and am looking for experiences and advice from the wise (hopefully) people of Mumsnet.

Do you regret having children? Do you actually enjoy being a mother? Is it really the best feeling in the world like some say?

I hope this isn't an insensitive post, I have been extremely down in the past week since finding out so am seriously trying to make my decision.

Op it is one heck of a learning curve......i spent the first six months in a blurred zone. I didn't know how to look after my son, or even how to change a nappy. My son is now 18 and his brother 15. So I haven't done too bad. Its a scary time but you find a way x

I know a lot of people that say that too. And they are also amazing parents

I guess comes down to how narcissistic / self involved you are. It takes huge self awareness to know you’re that type of person and I applaud those people for not having kids

How fucking rude to imply that women who don't have kids are narcissistic and self-involved! I certainly have enough self awareness to know that was not the reason I didn't have children. Ffs.

This

Being a parent is shit. Had first at 35, second at 39. You give up your whole life, nothing will ever be the same. Had to give up all career progression as part time working doesn't really fit into that. My family live abroad, but travelling with a family of 4 is now to expensive so now I only see them every few years.

Having kids are fine, just make peace with the fact that you are about to give up everything in your live.

I love being a parent and I was 27 when I had my first.
It's really really har, but I enjoy having them more than anything I've done before.

I still have a good social life, go out for drinks at least once a week and mine are pre schoolers. If you have a good partner then there's no reason you have to sacrifice everything. First 6 months you're basically glued to a baby but after that it gets more flexible

Yes. And I wasn't particularly maternal either, but it has been the best thing I have ever done. However, they are both healthy, haven't given us much trouble, we could afford childcare to outsource a lot of the early years so I could go back to work at four and five months pt and DH has stuck around.
Now 21 and 18 and never a single regret.

Honestly?

I don't enjoy being a mother at about an 80 / 20 split with the 80 being the not enjoying.

I love my children I really do and I berate myself constantly because I am not the parent I want to be the truth is though I'm far too selfish. I like my space and time. I miss having freedom. I feel overwhelmed in the demands for my time and attention, all the mess they make in the house. And the responsibility of it all feels crushing.

There are times that I enjoy it, and I think about how much I love them all the time, I miss them when they arnt there, and I hope they know I love them but I'm being honest here.
I would never be without them now they exist but if I had fully really understood what parenting was like I would have not had children. I was very naive.

Bear in mind though that three years is nothing really, and although 'supportive' now if your partner ups and off as many do in time, he statistically won't take the DC with him, nor do 50/50. You will be left with all that.

It is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes it's hard, but even when it's tough, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I don’t like it. I was 34 and haven’t gone back to work yet, so maybe that will change when I get into the new normal and the shock goes away.
My daughter is an incredible little person already, I feel lucky to know her and she brings joy to so many people. I can’t imagine not having met her.
However, the responsibility, anxiety, repetitiveness and boredom is difficult. I miss my old life, it was wonderful. I feel guilty for feeling that way as she was very wanted - and she is very loved. But if I met me two years ago, I might tell her not to do it. Every day feels like a slog, despite her being utterly wonderful. There is a heaviness over my life now which will be there forever - and of course if you mention to anyone that you regret having a baby they diagnose you with PND, which I find strange as it’s like you’re not allowed to simply regret the decision.

Pregnancy / fertility isn’t guaranteed, for anyone, at any point. Not saying this to scare you but just as an alternative perspective. I am a wee bit younger than you and had a similar experience this time last year despite the fact I was desperate to be a mum, I chose to terminate very early on as I thought it was the most fair decision. Fast forward to this year, I’m TTC (we are married and have more savings now, and both really want a baby). We conceived quickly again but that pregnancy ended in miscarriage and we found it devastating. I never saw it coming because I am in my twenties and naively thought, ahh well when the time is right it’ll be plain sailing.

First cycle trying again after the loss. I’m sure we will fall quickly and it should all be fine next time🤞 but thinking about the what if I’d not been so scared last year, is particularly difficult while we waiting for our little rainbow.

If you want a baby in the future, you have love to give and support around you I would do it. Nerves are normal and shows you care. It will be life altering but you will still be you.

Parenting is tough. Is it my favourite gig- nope. But 5 yrs later I think I’ve almost accepted this is my life now( and that’s a very wanted, loved and planned kid). I do miss the carefree days every day

Personally, I think you get the kind of nerves you are describing whenever you have your first child.

I was 28 when I had my first, 30 with my second, and miscarried late term when I was 27 and 29.

I enjoyed life pre babies, and really didn't appreciate how hard it is having a family. I'm in the thick of it with a toddler and baby, so probably biased, but regardless of age I think a strong, truthful and equal relationship is the thing that makes the biggest impact on parenthood:
How does your partner feel? If you're honest to yourself, how likely are they to be up every two hours in the night? How selfless are they when you're both sick? How much time does their job give them outside of work? What's the division of housework?

I thought I had the most splendid partner of 15 years, and I absolutely do, but the biggest shock to me was how unequal things can be. A lot falls on the mother for various reasons (breastfeeding if you decided to, kids often want mummy when they're sick, I was more resilient to lack of sleep, etc). It was a tough realisation, but I changed my expectations and worked to our strengths. Eg he's much more useful doing the household chores or taking the kids to the park than handling the toddler's tantrum or life admin.

Have a frank and honest conversation with your partner on parenting styles, wishes and wants for your children etc.

All the best for whatever you decide - because it is totally up to you - but don't let your age be a defining factor because it's much more dependent on your personalities, goals, lifestyle etc x 💐

I love it and can't really imagine/remember what my life was like before and I have been surprised at how much I don't want the things I enjoyed before (like travelling for work I used to love, now I hate being away from family) but I was 36, felt very ready and that it was what I really wanted. Think the support you have makes a big difference - we are a long way from family so that is hard sometimes with little outside support

I absolutely love it.

You seem really unpleasant. I hope you’re ok.

I adore being a parent-but I waited til I was sure I was ready for a completely new challenge before I did. I'd been an adult out in the world for 20 years and in a monogamous relationship for 18. So I took my time......

Says the person who claims anyone who doesn’t enjoy being a parent is a narcissist

You’re a nasty piece of work

Such a difficult question...

I love my children and would do anything for them. They are my pride and joy and I do think my life would be incomplete without them. I wouldn't always have said this, but now if I could go back in time, I'm 90% sure I still would have had them.

However I do think the phrase "Children are an immense source of joy. It's a shame they turn every other source of joy to shit" is quite accurate 🤣

They are so much work, there is a lot of drudgery, your money is not your own anymore, your time is not your own anymore, even your emotions are not your own anymore (the other phrase, "You are only as happy as your unhappiest child" is also very accurate).

The first year of parenthood was the absolute worst. In hindsight now though, I think I had PND. It didn't help that I had an awful four day labour followed by an emergency C-section so I was already deliriously sleep-deprived by the time DC1 was born. They then had horrendous silent reflux. For most of the first year, I was scared, anxious and lonely.

Now my two are primary school aged, it is definitely (not easy, but) easier and you get a bit more time to be you. (Disclaimer, have one likely ND child).

As a PP says, it definitely puts things in perspective. Things I used to really stress about, like work, barely register now.

Plus when you do manage to get any time to yourself, and especially if it's a rare 24 hours, it is the best thing in the world and makes you wonder why an earth you didn't appreciate it at the time 🤣

I had a great life before kids, travelled, good career, fab husband, disposable income, good social life and I was on the fence when we decided to try.

Being a parent is hard work, sometimes thankless and relentless and you want to scream to have some time to yourself.

But despite all that, nothing in this world compares to the joy my children bring me, it’s like nothing else and I wouldn’t change things for anything. You won’t regret it OP.

My DD is 19 months. She sleeps well usually and is adorable most of the time.
Is it always positive? No. There are days where I count down until 7pm. But the positive and the love I feel for her outweighs any negative. I pulled to the house today to see my husband and baby dancing in the kitchen through the window and I can't stop thinking about how cute it was! I'm also lucky as I can work part-time, have a very supportive husband who does 50/50, and family who are always happy to have my DD.
It changes your life more than you can imagine, but it has been lovely most of the time.

You can’t say with any degree of certainty that the OP won’t regret it

That’s just a silly thing to say

Yes, I do.

It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and some days are not easy, but it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

Don't blame yourself. I don't honestly see how anyone can know what parenting is like before you become one. It is literally so far removed from any other life experience, there is absolutely no way to practically or emotionally prepare yourself.