Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

It's happened to millions of us and we're still here. Mine is an almost carbon copy, except I could work and get a job, and I had a child with a life threatening disease at the same time. And 2 other children. All under 8. Did I mention the OW was my friend?
She needs to stop with the dramatics (get some self respect) and start to be a grown up.

I'm sure she will once it has actually sunk in. I too would be in the same state she's in if this had happened to me.

Why? Selling the house seems to be the only way that OP's sister will get anything. He's already said he won't pay the bills. Even if he does keep paying the mortgage.

Absolutely. @Hippobot has nailed it - talk to EVERYONE and get ahead of problems before they become crises.

Just read the full thread - it's an awful situation but she is incredibly lucky to have such a caring and supportive sister.

I should imagine op's sister has been subjected to some pretty horrible disgarding abuse, this won't be isolated, he has probably been pulling away along side his financial abuse, her depression and anxiety may well have been 3 months before this, I'd be surprised if it hadn't.
She has had two people actively abusing her in the background unbeknown to her, a devious pair of shits thinking only of themselves and forgetting he had a wife and children, those children have also been decieved by a manipulative cunt.

He's now making it even worse by stating her mental health is the fault for the breakdown, he is completely lacking in empathy for his wife and his children, he has abandoned them and is now presenting as the victim. Honestly he is the worst kind, a pychopath if you ask me, many Gp's understand this narrative.

He needs exposing, he has controlled the narrative up to now, so as many agencies need to be aware of the situation as possiible, ranging from WA, Gp's, SS, and financial services, all documented and recorded.

He will turn nasty when op's sister tries to garner sympathy or help, because he wants to be in control of the narrative, if he turns up after his holiday op and starts being aggresive, make sure the police are called, this type of man is without logic or empathy.

A lot in fact too many women don't realise the protection marriage/civil partnership offers.

I have known so many women inc my ex best friend have a baby with a man, get engaged to him, he then turned violent and she asked him to leave her house and then when she asked for financial support he gave her a measly £50 a month when she had private nursery fees. A couple of years later she's back with him sold her house and bought one with him but still isn't married to him! I mean I hope she's ok and all that but he could be up to anything and she has no support, she did work and she also worked for his business. She also isn't a stupid woman either but is very much guided by her DM/DF which is stick by your man whatever... That is only one example!

The first thing I was told when I started working in a law firm, was, if you have DC then get married. I knew that anyway.

It really is quite concerning how many men/women still believe if you're in a civil partnership, you have rights for claims on finances/a house you don't own/aren't named on deeds.

Yes @Geebray I think getting her head straight and then selling the house asap is the way to go. But she needs to get advice as to whether or not she can reserve some of his share to recoup the money for her flat. It’s going to be complicated.
And I think you need to talk to the police about the financial abuse.

I’m seeing a lot abut financial advice, so my two cents as the daughter of a woman this happened to.

Look after the kids.

My mother did exactly this. Wouldn’t get up, didn’t feed the dog, wouldn’t get a job, spent all day texting the other woman or driving around trying to find her. Sending poison pen letters to her house. Eventually found my father and punched him in the face. She told me without my father, her life wasn’t worth living. Even for her kids.

I was working in a city 3 hours away and she’d call me around the clock ranting about the OW and threatening to kill herself that night if I didn’t get in touch with him and ask him to go back to her.

Asked me for money - which she spent booking a flight to the island my dad went to with the OW. (I was on minimum wage and she said it was for food). She wouldn’t get psychiatric help. It’s like she became a totally different person.

It totally destroyed our relationship - and we barely talk now. It never got better.

Actually I'm not ignorant of male abuse. My own dad was an alcoholic who refused to stop drinking hence why my DM divorced him. However, soon afterwards she got in a long term relationship with a violent, functioning alcoholic. And she's not left since. Don't ask me why she's still with him though he's mellowed over the years.

So don't talk to me about being ignorant of abuse. You can quite easily get help these days to get away from it, not as simple as it sounds but it is there and there is access to far more help and support now than back in the olden days.

Op, I’d urge you to take a balanced view for your sisters sake. You’ve now went down the route of she was near on enslaved, when telling us earlier this was her choice to not marry and to not work.

agreeing with everything she says is not going to help her.

if he’s been planning this for a long time, then it would appear he has been very unhappy for a long time, and possibly waiting till the kids were grown.

as said, relationships breakdowns are very complex.

I have empathy for her, her life is about to change enormously, she will need to work, ger her own home, be self sufficient and also possibly share custody of the kids, one of which at least is an adult, and I assume the second isn’t far behind.

how much equity can depend on a lot of factors, including how much he actually earns, plus he was supporting 6 people on his income.

its highly unlikely she would get a mesher order to stay in the house and force him to pay the mortgage, in fact its non existent chance. If he can house the kids under 18 then she would have to go it alone if she isn’t able to house them with her.

as she is unmarried and has not worked, she needs to get on the council,list. As she will be made homeless so they will house her. Trying to obstruct viewings so she can stay is a pointless short term solution.

I think she needs some time to get accustomed to the fact the relationship is over. That he has now moved on and is not coming back. She can sort her future after this.

its a worry she’s still in this condition after 3 weeks, and is making herself so very ill. I think she needs an emergency doctors appt and not to wait till Friday.

With coercive control it is possible the OP's sister didn't even realise it was abuse. It is incredibly subtle and has you questioning your own sanity. It's really not as simple as just getting help, and help for coercive control without physical violence is actually not that easily obtained.

I'm so sorry your sister is going through this. You've received plenty of great advice above, and I'll add my 2 cents (apologies if it's already been mentioned). Your sister can also have a look at government skills bootcamps as well as apprenticeships and see if there's anything on there that appeals to her.

The bootcamps aren't paid, but the apprenticeships are.

Yes, you are right and I'm definitely not gonna call you a smug b*ch or whatever.
It crap out there for women, still whether it's 1904 or 2024. I'm old enough to know.
Only that Mr. Hindsight isn't gonna help here.
🙂

Whatever you say is gospel. I 100% agree with you.

OP, I'm so sorry for what your sister is going through. I would urge you to seek urgent mental health support for her as a top priority. She sounds in a very dark place.

Thank goodness she has you to support her

My sister considered getting a job a few years ago but the childcare and holiday care for 4dc made it all but pointless. How do other people manage to work full time with 4 children? Her dp was dead against it and not supportive, and wasn’t prepared to help on top of the 70 odd hours a week he works, so she just couldn’t do it.

She was talking about training as a teacher when her youngest whom is only now old enough to leave, but obviously this situation has changed everything.

In between shopping, cleaning, doing the laundry for six and dealing with all the activities, homework and admin she was always busy and tired. It’s not like she has spent 20 years doing nothing, she has raised four children.

Some people seem to think getting over a catastrophic break up is a competitive sport.

its a worry she’s still in this condition after 3 weeks, and is making
herself so very ill. I think she needs an emergency doctors appt and not
to wait till Friday.

Are you serious, three weeks when she's been with him for over 25 years, I can only think you have not been in a similar situation.

Would posters who arn't middle aged, female or have not been abused refrain from being so unkind.

**

Maybe it was helpful because the children’s father looked after dc 50% of the time allowing pp to work and not have so much childcare to pay for. What happens if you don’t have help and need childcare for 4dc?

She could get spousal support if they were married I believe.

Agreed. If this poor woman's husband had died and left her penniless, I doubt anyone would be telling her to pull herself together and blaming her for her financial situation. Yet a break up like this probably feels to the OP's sister like a form of bereavement because she has lost her partner and the life she thought she had.

I was really replying to the comment about 'she needs to stop the dramatics' (a different post, perhaps?) which I didn't think was a helpful way to describe what your sister was going through

Absolutely!

It is not just a loss of her relationship, but the loss of the man she thought loved her and their children. All of these years, she hasn't known him at all, and he has been feathering his nest very nicely at her expense. A double bereavement

It's a terrible betrayal.

How old are the children, OP? You say between 13-19, but are they mostly older or younger: 13-15-17-19, or 13-14-15-19?

If older, then I think you (or possibly your DH or another relative) need to have a bit of a 'come to Jesus' chat, particularlywith the older ones - yes, it will undoubtedly be difficult for them too, but if their mother is falling off a cliff right now, then they can be expected to rally round a bit.

My father died when I was 18 and my mother was in bits: my older sister and I had to pick things up for quite some years thereafter, as well as dealing with our own grief, because needs must.