Page 40 | Affair and left penniless

Newchapterbeckons · 2024-02-27T08:56:54+00:00

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman. They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19. He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that? We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her? She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour. For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

PinkFrogss · 27/02/2024 21:54

Finding out the equity needs to be a priority as it will allow her to plan for the future. I thought long term interest only mortgages were rare these days, so it may not be as bad as you think.

Some of your posts have been a bit confusing - your sister went from knitting and growing her own organic veg to being far too busy for anything because of housework and childcare.

If your sister is in such a state you should be more concerned about her youngest child then the pets, what you’ve said about his high care needs due to ADHD makes it sounds like he can’t have been fending for himself very well the past few weeks.

Leave the oldest at uni - if she hasn’t already been receiving money directly from her dad it may be worth suggesting she has that discussion.

Wildnfree50 · 27/02/2024 21:54

I don't know if it's the same for married/unmarried but I know legally he has to continue to help support initially..I found this out when I had to move out with kids.
Citizens advice definitely good idea. I pray it's the same for unmarried in this situation as far as having to help pay support towards basics. So sorry she's been treated this way. Can empathise. What a complete bastard he is. Sorry. Best of luck. Xx

LovelyButteryBiscuitBase · 27/02/2024 21:56

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 21:49

I hope others will read the thread and avoid this happening in their own lives. Educate their dds and not trust as much as my sister. She is in a better place this evening. A clean home. Fully stocked fridge, and uc claim done. Drs booked. Thanks to the advice on here, we will continue tomorrow.

Don't over look applying for DLA for her youngest too. With that in place she may also get the carers allowance if not working/ earning much.

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 27/02/2024 21:57

On the subject of child support, if you have some idea of what he's earning you can calculate what he should pay here, @Newchapterbeckons
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

I know he won't necessarily pay up but the system is better at chasing this up than it used to be. Also, on the point about masking your earnings if you're self-employed in order to minimise payments: yes, up to a point, but again, this has improved. The CMS will look at his most recent tax return. Lots of claims of capital spending on there should be looked at closely. If you have evidence that he's earning more than his CMS payments imply, because you're aware of big spending on e.g. a car (or a flat), you can definitely challenge their assessment.

For posters saying, 'Oh, he's only threatening to cut her off financially, that's not so bad.' It is actually really bad if she has no money in her account and no idea when or if bills will be paid. For 16 years my ex (we weren't married) constantly dangled the threat of withdrawing child support - and sometimes he did cut it off, purely out of spite (he made perfectly clear that was why he was doing it). The stress of living with these threats was huge. It made planning anything really hard, and just the constant fear of going under financially. And yes, I was working, but I needed that money and he knew it.

Calculate your child maintenance

Use this calculator to work out an amount of child maintenance for your children.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/02/2024 21:58

Shetlands · 27/02/2024 21:50

All those people saying "she should get a grip, get a job, focus on sorting things out" Have you ever been in deep shock? Have you ever been so paralysed by grief or shock that you can barely function?

If you haven't then you can't possibly understand why the poor OP's sister is in such a pitiful state of anger and despair.

You might be emotionally robust, able to switch off your grief or the sort who reacts by taking actions but not everybody can do that right away. Have some compassion for those who suffer differently to you.

Yes but… it looks like here the partner in this situation has been fairly happily gardening, organic gardening etc maybe a bit like an ostrich with its head in the sand deluding herself everything was ok. So yes she would be in deep shock now and yes she probably has been coercively controlled but I’m a bit staggered as to how no one saw the signs here with him. But that’s me.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 27/02/2024 22:00

One day at a time your sister is lucky to have you and thank you for sharing your sister's story. I will show this thread to my daughter's.

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:00

No idea if this has been mentioned but you can get a crisis loan from UC while you wait the 5 weeks for the first payment to come through.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 27/02/2024 22:01

Shetlands · 27/02/2024 21:50

All those people saying "she should get a grip, get a job, focus on sorting things out" Have you ever been in deep shock? Have you ever been so paralysed by grief or shock that you can barely function?

If you haven't then you can't possibly understand why the poor OP's sister is in such a pitiful state of anger and despair.

You might be emotionally robust, able to switch off your grief or the sort who reacts by taking actions but not everybody can do that right away. Have some compassion for those who suffer differently to you.

Maybe, but fuck if I'd be so self centred I wouldn't be thinking about my children who were also going through same.
@Newchapterbeckons with her nearly 20 years of being a sahp, is she used to being prioritised?

LorlieS · 27/02/2024 22:02

@Newchapterbeckons I wholeheartedly agree; trust no man! The amount of women who rely completely on men financially still shocks me, and they always say "But MY partner would never do X/Y/Z... how incredibly naive.
I am glad I refused to give up work when my ex tried to encourage me too (controllers often employ this tactic) as it meant I had something to fall back on when we did separate.
I hope your sister gets the help she needs and things get better.
Don't let her ex come between you pair as again, these "men" will often attempt to break close bonds. My ex, for example, stopped my mum from seeing her grandsons where possible.
Stay close xx

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:04

She does need to step up to a certain extent for the sake of her DC.

If she has a just turned 13 year old with additional needs who requires supervision then she is going to have to do something.

I get that her self esteem is has been smashed over the DP situation, but in you shoes I think I'd work towards helping her to see her strengths and empowering her rather than doing everything for her.

If she really can't cope with the DC she needs to speak to Social Care.

That's the reality if their DH has abandoned them, mother isn't capable of parenting and family don't want to foster them.

L1ttledrummergirl · 27/02/2024 22:04

Put a marker on his flat so he can't sell it, go to the police and report him for stealing from her and financial abuse.
Womens aid might be able to help.

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:06

And I know my post seems harsh, I don't mean it to but I work with children of families like this. One parent fucks the other over and the remaining parent turns to mush.

And the kids suffer.

Your sister is an adult.

She chose to bring four children into the world.

She needs to put them first.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 27/02/2024 22:06

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:04

She does need to step up to a certain extent for the sake of her DC.

If she has a just turned 13 year old with additional needs who requires supervision then she is going to have to do something.

I get that her self esteem is has been smashed over the DP situation, but in you shoes I think I'd work towards helping her to see her strengths and empowering her rather than doing everything for her.

If she really can't cope with the DC she needs to speak to Social Care.

That's the reality if their DH has abandoned them, mother isn't capable of parenting and family don't want to foster them.

I don't think it's there yet she has the op watching over her and giving her a hand to hold while she figures it out.

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 22:06

L1ttledrummergirl · 27/02/2024 22:04

Put a marker on his flat so he can't sell it, go to the police and report him for stealing from her and financial abuse.
Womens aid might be able to help.

He hasn't stolen from her. She part owns the property she's living in, funded by the sale of her flat.

AhNowTed · 27/02/2024 22:07

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:04

She does need to step up to a certain extent for the sake of her DC.

If she has a just turned 13 year old with additional needs who requires supervision then she is going to have to do something.

I get that her self esteem is has been smashed over the DP situation, but in you shoes I think I'd work towards helping her to see her strengths and empowering her rather than doing everything for her.

If she really can't cope with the DC she needs to speak to Social Care.

That's the reality if their DH has abandoned them, mother isn't capable of parenting and family don't want to foster them.

"If she really can't cope with the DC she needs to speak to Social Care."

The children have a father.

Why would she need to involve SC.

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:08

Carpediemmakeitcount · 27/02/2024 22:06

I don't think it's there yet she has the op watching over her and giving her a hand to hold while she figures it out.

Show quote history

I didn't say she was there yet.

But if she really can't cope and meet her children's needs then this is not sustainable for these children. If there needs are so great the sister has not been able to hold a job down then their needs are so great that the current situation will be failing to meet their needs.

I think you need to get real with your sister, op.

LorlieS · 27/02/2024 22:08

@AhNowTed Because the father is refusing to take any responsibility?

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 27/02/2024 22:08

Yes but… it looks like here the partner in this situation has been fairly happily gardening, organic gardening etc maybe a bit like an ostrich with its head in the sand deluding herself everything was ok.

I honestly don't see why the organic gardening has annoyed some people. It's not just a hobby, it's a source of food, and a good one. I'm sure the same posters would criticise her if she'd fed the kids on junk food.

As for deluding herself everything was okay - I'm guessing her partner didn't wear a T-shirt saying 'I'm a complete bastard'. So how was she supposed to know he would suddenly turn their lives upside down? Call me naive, but I don't think it's so wrong to trust someone you've been with for 30 years

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:09

AhNowTed · 27/02/2024 22:07

"If she really can't cope with the DC she needs to speak to Social Care."

The children have a father.

Why would she need to involve SC.

Show quote history

Because the father has abandoned them.

The OP has repeatedly said that.

This is a safeguarding issue at this point.

One parent has abandoned them and the other is not meeting their needs.

L1ttledrummergirl · 27/02/2024 22:09

He stole her flat money to buy his own. He doesn't seem to have kept it in their joint asset. If they weren't living together, it would be fairly clear cut defrauding.
Their joint asset maybe worthless if its mortgaged to the hilt on interest only.
She no longer has control of her money, she's been robbed.

Kattenburg · 27/02/2024 22:10

Dixiechickonhols · 27/02/2024 14:43

I was about to post exactly this. A solicitor has given a free half hour of advice and confirmed legal position.
So many people post on threads like this ‘see a solicitor’ we can only advise on law as it stands not wave a magic wand.
Saying she put herself in a precarious position is a very diplomatic lawyer like way of putting it.

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You do not need a magic wand to inform properly and without judgement. As the law stands she doesn't have to accept the sale of the house. Telling someone their situation is precarious is not helpful. Free or not, bad advice is always too expensive.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/02/2024 22:11

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 27/02/2024 22:08

Yes but… it looks like here the partner in this situation has been fairly happily gardening, organic gardening etc maybe a bit like an ostrich with its head in the sand deluding herself everything was ok.

I honestly don't see why the organic gardening has annoyed some people. It's not just a hobby, it's a source of food, and a good one. I'm sure the same posters would criticise her if she'd fed the kids on junk food.

As for deluding herself everything was okay - I'm guessing her partner didn't wear a T-shirt saying 'I'm a complete bastard'. So how was she supposed to know he would suddenly turn their lives upside down? Call me naive, but I don't think it's so wrong to trust someone you've been with for 30 years

Sorry but the signs must’ve been there especially if some here have said she was being coercively controlled.

And if she was that unhappy she’d have left not spent time gardening, knitting and having 4 kids with him.

She needs to take some responsibility for her actions really.

Stravaig · 27/02/2024 22:11

Looks like her biggest hurdle is going to be the relationship between responsibility, power and agency. The more she can take responsibility for how her own choices have contributed to this mess, the more she'll realise her own power to make different choices now. Wallowing in victimhood and betrayed entitlement will dramatically reduce her agency and ability to move forward.

Edited: typos.

LorlieS · 27/02/2024 22:12

@Kattenburg Who is going to pay the mortgage?

theihatemariusfanclub · 27/02/2024 22:12

Stravaig · 27/02/2024 22:11

Looks like her biggest hurdle is going to be the relationship between responsibility, power and agency. The more she can take responsibility for how her own choices have contributed to this mess, the more she'll realise her own power to make different choices now. Wallowing in victimhood and betrayed entitlement will dramatically reduce her agency and ability to move forward.

Edited: typos.

Edited

Yes.