Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

JUST OMG- what the hell!!!
Running a home and raising 4 kids is NOT ‘pottering about at home’ . You absolutely disgust me with your attitude.

Aren't they all teens? They don't need childcare as they either hang out at home or go and meet friends. Also how is a 13 year old "only just old enough to leave"? She's been financially abused for years so hopefully she sees a Dr about her mental health and then a lawyer.

Oh. That’s a dangerous game. He might contwct social services and say she can’t cope.

That is exactly how she describes it. It would be easier if he had died, at least she could have looked back on the last 20 years with love. He has stripped away everything she held dear. Taken away the best years of her life for a lie. The decent man she loved has gone forever. She is now facing ruin. I can’t express the pain she is in atm. I have never seen anyone suffer like this, my friends divorces were not like this because they walked away with enough to keep them going in the future, and in most cases they were not happy anyway. My sister was happy, really happy with her lot in life.

On the work front, I can completely sympathise with her not having a job if she has been with a partner that was resistant to it and determined he wanted her to stay home, it’s not a difficult line to see with also having 4DC for him to factor into the argument etc to try to seem convincing.

But once 2 out of 4 were at secondary school, which was quite some years ago, childcare/holiday cover would have been far less of an issue and cost, it wouldn’t have really been a barrier to having a job and it being worth it financially, even if relatively low paid - but that’s all irrelevant if someone is working against you to get you not to do it in the first place.

Her DC are now at an age where once she has got on top of things she isn’t going to have a childcare barrier to her working or limit her job opportunities in a way it would if they were small children or primary aged etc

I thought if you have children under 18 you could live in the house till then, has the law changed on this.

@Newchapterbeckons I appreciate your sister is feeling awful at the moment, but if her ex is spinning the MH line, she needs to pull herself together and fight back.

1. Make a claim for child benefit for the 3 children at home. It might be worth contacting them and make it clear that she is now the sole carer to the kids. https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit/how-to-claim
2. Contact the estate agent selling the house and make it clear that she does NOT give permission for it to be sold as she is also the owner, and that no viewings will be taking place.
3. Make an immediate claim with the child maintenance service https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/how-to-apply
4. Even if she owns a home she can claim maintenance if she has no income or savings. She needs to go through what she is entitled to on the online calculator https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=6c53b213-fb42-4149-831c-68d6a175883b
5. She needs to make sure she has her own bank account for the above to be paid into. If she hasn't, this should be first priority. If there was a joint account, she needs to transfer half the money IMMEDIATELY.
6. Notify the school what has happened. The kids should hopefully be able to claim free school meals quickly, and the school are often very experienced in situations like this.

Hope all that helps.

Look, unless you have had 4 kids I don’t think it’s possible to judge. They were all at different schools for years. The youngest has ADHD and it’s been so hard, developmentally he simply wasn’t ready to leave, he had only just turned 13. The others had different issues. Anxiety, terrible asthma. It’s non stop. I have seen her life at close quarters and she never stops. She does everything, and always has, with no help whatsoever.

With regards to child benefit, your sister shouldn’t need to actually claim this to be entitled to it. The fact that she is entitled to it is enough. I waived my CB payments, as DH earned over the threshold and would have had to declare. I still received my NI/pension contributions. Unfortunately, only the person claiming the CB receives the credits, and only they can make changes.

Your sister needs to get in touch with the relative department, explain the circumstances and see what can be done. It’s clear that she has been financially abused, and I’d really be getting legal advice. She’s been cheated out of her pension credits.

If it was a paid job that she had been doing for the last 20yrs she would have been earning serious money as a nanny, chef and housekeeper. Just because he has never paid her for twenty years of service 247 it doesn’t make her contribution any less valid or valuable.

That's quite a drip feed that the youngest has autism. That explains why he couldn't be left alone until recently. It's awful that their dad didn't pay for after school care once the children were at school so that your sister could get a part time job. It's also awful that he took all the child benefit. She really needs to speak to a lawyer about the financial abuse.

JUST OMG- what the hell!!!
Running a home and raising 4 kids is NOT ‘pottering about at home’ . You absolutely disgust me with your attitude

OP has referenced her sister being a dreamy type who enjoyed baking, planting seeds to grow organic veg, knitting. I think OP's sister built the life that she wanted - not having to think about the bills or money. The partner's behaviour is dreadful but I think people are too quick to claim financial abuse and coercive control.

There will be another aspect to this situation that we and probably OP don't know about.

...No. Because there has never been any such law.

In past divorces, some women have been granted Mesher orders which defer the sale of the family home. But this just defers the ex taking their equity share; the outstanding mortgage has to be taken over by the parent that remains. If they can't afford to do this, there's no point in the order. Courts have turned against Mesher orders in recent years and they are very rarely granted now. The orders are also made as part of a divorce settlement, and, once again, this woman and her ex weren't married.

There is not, and there never has been, a "right" to stay in the family home on the breakup of a relationship.

Not autism, ADHD. He leaves things on, forgets baths, misses buses, needs a lot of managing. He has epic meltdowns as well as he finds secondary school so difficult. I can’t even begin to explain how exhausting it has been meeting the needs of multiple children without support from dp and without a break.

She only ended up with 4dc because he insisted on a son.

Actually it is anyone on benefits she has an issue with. 🤣

Yes they can and they will

You can argue this point til you're blue in the face OP but MN is heavily anti SAHP and will simply tell you that working parents do all those things and work.

The role of SAHP is not a valued one in today's society, sadly.

As the OP says My sister was happy, really happy with her lot in life it suggests she really enjoyed being at home with the children and house and not having to work.

So who would be paying the mortgage?

OP not had time to read all the posts. But I am so sorry.

First thing is get a GP appointment for sister, ignore the husband and his requests she tidy up for viewings. If you can help, contact utilities/Council tax etc all bills he has said he won't pay and just let them know what's happening if he does not pay. But also try to advise her if he does not pay action won't be immediate, bailiffs etc do not turn up the next day so she has some time. As others have said it is not in his interest I suspect he is just saying it to be cruel.

She can apply for Universal Credit, a sick note from the GP for a time will help (clearly she is suffering and advising to just get over it and sort herself out is awful advise).

Long term she does need a job, but try to help her focus on one thing at a time, looking after herself, the children and the cat. Make things easier for her, paper plates, disposable cutlery, do her washing, help her tidy up. Being in that environment will make her worse. I hope the children are being supported, dad left and mum is clearly unwell. Most be so hard for them.

She did work, all of the time, but was never paid for it.

OP, I’m so sorry to hear this.

what a shit of a man (not to mention the woman who’s happily broken up a family).

I guess you’ll need to offer as much emotional support as you can and just be there for her.

im sure time will heal but it’ll be a long process.

please encourage her, when the time is right to look for employment.

I remember as a teenager my friend’s parents split up and it was truly awful. My friend lost her a lot of her hair with the stress of it. Her poor mum couldn’t get out of bed. It was brutal and just truly awful. However, many (many!) years have passed and they both ok now and it’s all worked out. I’m sure it will be the same for your sister but it’s hard to see the wood from the trees when you’re in the thick of it.

I hope your nieces/nephews are ok too.

Good god! He insisted on a son? I agree totally that raising 4 DC is a full time job, which is why I had half the number.

Hard to pass judgement on a marriage, but I think your sister has endured some level of abuse.

It’s frightening how many adults believe this. There was a glimmer of hope on a survey I read that slightly fewer younger people believed we had ‘common law marriage’ in England but it was still over 50% percent.
I do wonder if language contributes. Using word partner which implies a partnership and traditionally partnership was used in business relationships and had legal status eg law Firms used to be run as partnerships.
So having 4 kids and no income with a partner feels less risky to the woman and her family and friends than doing it with a boyfriend.

My sister was happy, really happy with her lot in life

but at the same time you describe her life as one of drudgery, forced to have babies against her will, the house slave, financially abused, unable to work when she wished to. But she was really really happy?

It can’t be both. Several times you’ve described her as incredibly happy, loving her life, growing her veg, dealing with her seeds. You told us she didn’t wish to work, that she loved her life, that she didn’t wish to marry.

and In between you tell us how it was a,life of drudgery, abuse , forced babies, slave round the house.

if she was happy and wanted this life own it. If she didn’t. Then stop saying how happy she was .