Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Ok, its very unusual that through a break up that the family home gets sold, children need as much stabilty as possible, so obviously , no judge would rule for a family home to be sold while children are under 18

At the moment he is paying mortgage,bills, food etc.
If she goes to Child Maintenance now, he could quite easily say "fine, if that's what she wants, that's all I'm going to give her" and stop paying the bills, food etc.
And the Child Maintenance is more than likely going to be a lot less than what he is currently paying

Something to maybe consider

Some valid points right there. Like others I'd thought he'd already cut her off, and the fact he's still paying for everything makes me wonder what the other side is here - even if he's still behaving horribly

So does the fact that his mother's "silent on the subject" and friends are "on the fence", despite us already being told they're very decent people

Clearly the DSis needs to look after hers and the childrens' interests and happily OP's supporting her brilliantly, but realistically he's never going to fund them all permanently and changes - painful as they are - will have to be made

Galling. I am so sorry. Were you married?

Which is on both parents? Their dm doesn't get to check out on responsibility by saying 'I just want to be a sahm anything to do with feeding, clothing, housing isn't on me' you can't call her ex a shit for not providing this when their mum won't either as she doesn't want to work.

"He is not even here. He is thousand of miles away enjoying some me time with the ow."

Yes I realise that but what's the future plan?

There isn’t one at the moment.

She needs to go into a bank and get a printed statement for the accounts that were in the joint names

@Newchapterbeckons Yes.

How did he keep everything?

Tigertigertigertiger
"He is not even here. He is thousand of miles away enjoying some me time with the ow."

Yes I realise that but what's the future plan?

There isn’t one at the moment.

That's my point!!
This should be what your sister is focussing on , not the OW , not the house sale , just working out a plan for the children now he has left

i don’t know how you recover from stuff like this: but you seem to have done. So that gives me hope.

@Newchapterbeckons is your dsis accepting that she will have to get a job now? Does she think she should continue to be funded in the life she has?

He doesn’t seem bothered at all. He is on the beach and not even messaging dc.

We haven’t got that far. I need her to eat and manage a few hours sleep.

And what about the welfare of the 3 dc? Who's looking after them?

Thanks. Yes the 180 he did was horrifying. He was unrecognisable. This horrible creature that just walked away from everything we had built. I literally had to wake up overnight it felt like. I do really feel for your sister. One thing I did was write everything down. The date I got the bank passwords, dates he threatened me, date I filed the police report, date I called the mortgage company, the lawyer told me to do that. I literally had a file on him in the end It felt like. It helped because he would try and gaslight me, literally there was one point where the lies, the lies :0 that came out of his mouth. But the filing everything made me feel like I had some control and gave me the confidence to detach and fight because I do believe he would have tried to have take as much as possible with absolutely no thought for his children. He is still a selfish selfish man.

I used to work for the child benefit helpline… I’m almost certain that if she starts a claim for child benefit it will automatically be paid to her and he would have to dispute it, but he wouldn’t even know until the payments have stopped and as he isn’t caring for the children, wouldn’t get far. Please call the child benefit helpline to confirm/put a claim in

@Newchapterbeckons He was a Chartered Accountant who had controlled the finances and squirreled away for a number of years. Very, very, very manipulative and sly. Remarkably became self-employed when he got wind I was leaving. The last thing he said to me was along the lines of: "I'll leave you penniless and you will lose your kids too."
I am just grateful I refused to stop working altogether as that was what he'd tried to make me do time and time again.

Not the father.

At least the mother is in the same country.

Whilst he's in another cuntry.

I hope others will read the thread and avoid this happening in their own lives. Educate their dds and not trust as much as my sister. She is in a better place this evening. A clean home. Fully stocked fridge, and uc claim done. Drs booked. Thanks to the advice on here, we will continue tomorrow.

Children move all the time.
It s not a huge deal.

the courts may think that until then kids are older, it’s best to keep them in their home, just whilst your sister finds her feet, and help by paying the interest. .

Another speculation what a judge might say and a bit ridiculous.
Kids move all the time.

They not married.
Children s act might come into play but unless the house is adapted to a disabled child there is no reason children cannot move to a new house the single parent can afford.

How much equity is in the house? Is it 50k or 500k or one million,? If 50k it could all be lost in solicitor fees if she wants to fight to try to get more than 50%.

All those people saying "she should get a grip, get a job, focus on sorting things out" Have you ever been in deep shock? Have you ever been so paralysed by grief or shock that you can barely function?

If you haven't then you can't possibly understand why the poor OP's sister is in such a pitiful state of anger and despair.

You might be emotionally robust, able to switch off your grief or the sort who reacts by taking actions but not everybody can do that right away. Have some compassion for those who suffer differently to you.

This, exactly.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/support-for-mortgage-interest-smi/support-for-mortgage-interest-smi/deciding-if-you-should-apply-for-smi/#:~:text=If%20you%20get%20JSA%2C%20ESA%2C%20Income%20Support%20or%20Universal%20Credit,%C2%A3100%2C000%20of%20your%20mortgage.

He’ll have to come back to sign the house docs won’t he so she’ll see him when that happens at least.

your sis will have to be prepared. Some solicitors allow the fee to be taken out the sale of the house. Might be worth checking up on this. When I went to get solicitors advice I went to allll the free 30 minute ones. Was very useful. Maybe you might be able to go with her to an appointment OP