Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

What is happening to the children in this scenario? They're 13-19, are they all living with her? Are the older ones at school / university / working?

Personally I’d be communicating that I’m unable to care for the children so he needs to pick them up after the holiday and I will try and see them EOW. But I know most women wouldn’t want to play that game (I bloody would though).

Absolutely, but the fact remains that with secondary school age children that's what will be expected of her when claiming UC. If she cannot work she will need a GP note to confirm this.

She needs a job, she must know that

Then that’s the avenue to take. You can’t force someone suicidal into work, they’d last five minutes and fall apart.

Where are the kids? Why haven’t they drawn the curtains or fed the cat? I know it’s a shock for them but if things are this bad the family need to pull together. Can anyone live with them for a couple of weeks to try to get the house sorted and help her try to get herself in a better mental state?

Can you get her to a GP or arrange a home visit- it sounds like she might be depressed. I don’t think she needs the job centre in this state, plus I think a lot can be done online these days.

Does she genuinely have no savings at all in her own name? Could a family member lend her any money in the short term? Could she sell something from the house- like expensive sports equipment, bikes, second car, jewellery etc?

She needs to make a UC claim right now! She can ask UC for the advance payment (loan) to help her out between now and when she gets her first payment. She needs to do all of this now. Is she claiming child benefit? If not, she needs to do that too.

If she wants to claim benefits, she will be required to visit the jobcentre for an assessment. That's how it works. Doesn't sound like she has any other option if she has no other money.

Definitely get her to the job centre and support her in finding a job, any job, taking positive steps forward and taking them sooner rather later will help her mentally. She is going to have a tough time emotionally regardless, so anything she can do to cushion that money wise is good.

Helping her get her home back on track in terms of getting it tidied up and trying to get it sold is helpful for her mindset too.

It is really her focusing on the future and taking all the right steps forward that will help and eventually she will love the freedom.

The older one is at uni. The other three are in secondary school and seem to be fending for themselves, from what I can see in the kitchen. My sister hasn’t eaten at all I don’t think. We live a few hours away.
I was here when it first happened she was convinced he would come back, and seemed to be okay. Now she is definitely not okay.

You don’t just get to give up when you have DC, unfortunately.

She will be expected to get a job and support herself with any benefits she’s entitled to.

And yes, he can force a house sale through courts if she refuses. Sticking her head in the sand won’t help, better to get the house sold and she can be in charge of her own finances at last.

You sound like a lovely supportive sister. One day this will be resolved, even if it doesn’t seem this way now.

Hi OP

Sounds like her life has fallen apart.

Long term she will need to support herself but short term she has had a shock.

Possible Suggestions:

Message her exp and tell him that she has fallen apart, the house is dirty and horrible and cold and won't sell for a good price. Tell him she has no money and isn't paying the mortgage or the heating. Try to persuade him to send her some money that will buy her some time to grieve her relationship and at least feed the kids and keep the heating on.

Take her to the GP and get her on antidepressants.

Are there any other family who can help? Does she have other friends who might take meals round?

Financial abuse is a crime. If there is evidence of this through bank statements etc then she could report it to the police and seek support through women's aid, who may be able to.give better advice on what she is entitled to financially.

What are they planning to do in terms of contact arrangements with the children? Please make sure that the children's needs are being met as much as you can. Even though they are teenagers their whole world has been shaken too and it sounds very much like their father is very voluntarily absent but their mother is absent too in a less voluntary capacity. They need a stable and calm adult at the moment to make sure they are ok.

I am considering moving in. I didn’t know it was this bad!! We were away last week for half term - called her every day and she seemed okay abeit shocked and angry.
She is saying she can refuse to sign over the house - can she do this if they get an offer?
I have run her bath, I am going to get the house sorted next and cook some dinner for tonight and next few days.
I feel scared to leave her on her own in this state but I have dc and a job.

You can't just turn up at the jobcentre, you need to apply for universal credit online, once the application has been accepted then you get an appointment with the jobcentre, at this appointment they will ask questions relating to the claim, they will ask if you need an advance on your first payment and they will tell you how that advance is reclaimed.

Getting benefits sorted and into work may be good for her, she must start getting up in the mornkngs, showering and opening the curtains. She must also consider her pension contributions maybe behind, she must start planning her future now. A trip to the gp also for some help.

Get her to the GP asap. Ask them to sign her off (ask for the longest they can do) and mention she's suicidal. After 4 weeks of being on a fit note, the DWP will trigger a work capability assessment.

It obviously depends on her mental health, but she may be entitled to extra financial support and won't have to look for work if she's found to have Limited Capability for Work and Work Related Activity (LCWRA).

Don't message her ex telling her that she has fallen apart. You have mentioned that he was financially abusive and controlling. If he wants the children to live with him he could use this against her.

First things first, she needs to apply online for universal credit. They will want to see her but only to prove her ID and bank details and most likely she'll need birth certs for the children. Once that's done she'll be able to get an advance.

Get her to the doctors for an appointment and hopefully they will sign her off. UC will ask for the doctors note to be uploaded - this can all be done online via her journal.

Also, get her to apply for child maintenance immediately.

It sounds like she's really very unwell at the moment - everyone copes differently. She will be OK eventually with lots of support.

How are the children fending for themselves? Is he sending them money because otherwise how are they managing for food at school, bus fares etc? Have you been able to talk to them at all?

She can refuse to sign to sell but it will cost her when the sale is forced as legal fees likely to incur against her I would guess

That sounds like a right mess. I’m sorry and hope she is able to pick herself up.

it sounds like things were really bad so even though this feels like the end of the world, at least everything is out in the open now.

Thank you for such sound advice. I have no idea where to start. So UC on line, GP and maybe the school to advise them to offer any pastoral care to dc.
The poor dc seem to be in shock themselves, from all accounts. I am worried about them.

She has no pension at all (she is 50 next birthday) and no savings. She isn’t a jewellery person, so nothing to sell. He hasn’t left anything of value in the house. Looking around she wouldn’t get anything for her furniture etc.

Get her to see her GP to sign her off for a couple of weeks to get herself together. Then she won't have any pressure to look for jobs over that period.

I hope one of the children's parents is putting the children first

She can refuse what she likes, but she is being ridiculous if she does they are not going to say 'oh that's ok then just keep the house'

She needs to do what millions of other people have to do get a job and actually parent the children