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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His holiday

181 replies

toomanyjellyfish · 26/02/2024 22:42

Help me get some perspective. dP (together 8 months). We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house. I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place. We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.

This weekend he says his friend who is newly single has messaged to say he wants to go to America to watch a big sports game. DP says he's really keen but I'm miffed for two reasons. 1) we are supposed to save towards our house deposit/ fees. He says he won't go if he thinks it's too expensive and
2) he gets very little holiday entitlement and since all his days were peebooked this year for family events I had hoped that he'd want to spend some time with me.

Am I being selfish? I need perspective.

OP posts:
OdinsHorse · 26/02/2024 22:43

How much savings does he have?

Original poster
toomanyjellyfish · 26/02/2024 22:46

None at this point

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 26/02/2024 22:47

Youre not being selfish, but you are being absolutely fucking bat shit nuts.

(together 8 months). no time at all. Literally not enough time!

We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house.
this is ok if neither of you have children

I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place.
does he have £75k for a deposit too? How will you ensure that money is protected from him? Does be have money for solicitors? Stamp duty? All money you dont get back when you sell. What is his contribution?

We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.
are you fucking nuts?! You've known him 8 months!

BusyCaz · 26/02/2024 22:48

How is he going to pay for this trip?

I can see red flags to be honest.

IVFfirsttimer91 · 26/02/2024 22:48

If he has no savings then how is he going to contribute towards buying a house next year?

TwylaSands · 26/02/2024 22:49

toomanyjellyfish · 26/02/2024 22:46

None at this point

Fuck me op come on! He has no savings. He is going to america. He will only move in with you if you fund it all.

Notheninkynonk · 26/02/2024 22:49

TwylaSands · 26/02/2024 22:47

Youre not being selfish, but you are being absolutely fucking bat shit nuts.

(together 8 months). no time at all. Literally not enough time!

We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house.
this is ok if neither of you have children

I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place.
does he have £75k for a deposit too? How will you ensure that money is protected from him? Does be have money for solicitors? Stamp duty? All money you dont get back when you sell. What is his contribution?

We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.
are you fucking nuts?! You've known him 8 months!

Edited

This 100%. Don't be a mug OP.

Screamingabdabz · 26/02/2024 22:51

The minute you put that £75k in a regular joint account he can just help himself to £75k. Be smart op.

EverybodyLTB · 26/02/2024 22:52

What on earth. Partner? Deposit? You are what the kids these days call….delulu. Protect yourself OP. The red flags have become a blindfold.

Livinghappy · 26/02/2024 22:52

Youre not being selfish, but you are being absolutely fucking bat shit nuts

Perfectly worded!

Op, are you really serious about sharing finances with a man you really don't know...are you willing to risk all your savings?? Do les your family or friends know about this situation?

TempleOfBloom · 26/02/2024 22:52

Team AFBSN

(Absolutely Fucking..etc)

qualitystreetforme · 26/02/2024 22:53

Bloody hell Op, you need your head tested.

Sisiwawa · 26/02/2024 22:53

Trust your gut, you wouldn't be posting on here if you thought this is ok.
It's way too soon to be moving in, buying a place etc with him.
He has no money and not prioritising you or your 'joint' plans.
He's showing you who he is and what he sees as important.

MariaLuna · 26/02/2024 22:54

If he has no savings how come he's going to America? Is his mate funding it? Expecting you to pay (loan) for it?

Alternatively, he could (?) get a loan from the bank so he's starting off buying a house with you "down" money-wise.

He doesn't sound like a keeper. Do you want children? Are you willing to pull all the weight?

Don't be a fool and subsidise his life.

Ulysees · 26/02/2024 22:55

😳 you're bonkers. Give your head a shake lass. What do your family think?

Testina · 26/02/2024 22:56

Shared bank account?
That just makes you sound desperate to be in a “serious” relationship.
Why on earth would you need or want a shared account?
You sound like you need to be told to protect your deposit legally.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/02/2024 22:57

IVFfirsttimer91 · 26/02/2024 22:48

If he has no savings then how is he going to contribute towards buying a house next year?

He doesn't need to bother as op has the deposit covered!!

Op if you do buy with him you need a deed of trust and don't marry him to protect your deposit. Unless you plan to have children and be a sahm.

I would really strongly advise you to buy on your own now and if you want to move in with him wait for longer and charge him rent

Original poster
toomanyjellyfish · 26/02/2024 22:57

Lol, ok ok I'm not crazy (mostly) I absolutely will ring fence my deposit when we buy. The joint savings will be an equal contribution but it's mostly an account to pay our bills from. Sorry but moving in together after one year does not seem that hasty to me. I know there is some Mumsnet formula where we are supposed to be wed or something first but 🤷‍♀️ he's extremely trustworthy, he's not hiding this from me or trying to be sneaky but I just wonder whether our priorities are different

OP posts:
candycane222 · 26/02/2024 22:57

Sisiwawa · 26/02/2024 22:53

Trust your gut, you wouldn't be posting on here if you thought this is ok.
It's way too soon to be moving in, buying a place etc with him.
He has no money and not prioritising you or your 'joint' plans.
He's showing you who he is and what he sees as important.

He's also showing you who he thinks is important. Hint - it isn't you.

Don't expect his loving attention to last once he's got you tied into a joint mortgage. Unless perhaps he wants you to fund another jolly with his mates.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/02/2024 22:57

It’s all way, way too soon.

Also, you have very different approaches to money. He spends everything he gets. His prerogative when it’s his money. You are clearly a saver. As soon as you merge finances, he will spend every penny you get too.

You can’t move in after a year with someone when finances are that disparate- you with £75k and him with nothing, but planning a big trip.

mrsdineen2 · 26/02/2024 22:57

On what planet does shared finances and house buying after 8 months make any sense? Your relationship doesn't even predate his current leave bookings fgs.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/02/2024 22:58

Screamingabdabz · 26/02/2024 22:51

The minute you put that £75k in a regular joint account he can just help himself to £75k. Be smart op.

Omg this! Absolutely don't put your existing savings in! Or any new tbh after only 8m

I was in a similar position to you op being with my amazing love of my love bf for 8m and look at my username

Notheninkynonk · 26/02/2024 22:58

Sorry but I think moving in together after a year when there is a child in the mix IS way too soon OP.

Ulysees · 26/02/2024 22:59

He hasn't told you he works for MI5 has he? 😉

Testina · 26/02/2024 23:00

And how old is the child you mention on another thread?