His holiday

[toomanyjellyfish]

Help me get some perspective. dP (together 8 months). We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house. I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place. We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.

This weekend he says his friend who is newly single has messaged to say he wants to go to America to watch a big sports game. DP says he's really keen but I'm miffed for two reasons. 1) we are supposed to save towards our house deposit/ fees. He says he won't go if he thinks it's too expensive and
2) he gets very little holiday entitlement and since all his days were peebooked this year for family events I had hoped that he'd want to spend some time with me.

Am I being selfish? I need perspective.

You are batshit, sorry. Renting together after a year is not a terrible idea. Buying a house together after a year is insane.

No, he's not on the same page as you. Obviously. But I think that after only 8 months he's on the right page.

OP. You really need to listen to @TwylaSands advice here. If you do anything for yourself, let it be that!

Blimey OP. You're playing with fire here.

Moving in together after a year isn’t crazy if no kids are involved. Buying a house together after a year is a bit nuts.

A joint savings account is not one mutual bills are paid from.

A joint current account from which rent etc is paid once moved in together is a great idea. It will show you what he is like when handling money.

If you are both intent on saving up to buy a house next year however and nothing can sway you from that then I would say yes, your priorities are definitely not aligned if he is going to blow thousands on a trip to America over your original discussed plans of buying a home.

She never said she'd put the 75k in joint account

Op I wouldn't do a joint account until your living together.

I wouldn't begrudge What's probably a once in a life time trip but it's reasonable to discuss what the financial implications are. Is he shoving it all on a credit card? Can he still afford half of the hypothetical bills? Does he currently run his own home?

You’ve got £75k in savings and he’s got nothing? I’m sorry OP, he saw you coming a mile away.

Normal people RENT together for a year or two to see if they can actually stand living together- including finding out whether you are on the same page about how you spend your money, as you clearly aren’t at the moment. No rent paid for this purpose is wasted because it’s cheaper than having to sell and after only a year when it goes tits up. What’s the rush to buy? Interest rates are ridiculous right now anyway and the market isn’t the best. You could be trapped living with someone you can’t stand who you’ve only known 5 minutes and all your savings will be tied up and some even may be lost in early repayment charges etc.

Just wait and rent for a bit. If he’s as okay as you seem to think then what’s the hurry to go all in when it’s significantly more risky for you.

He has no savings compared to your £75k? He sounds like a catch

Jeeez OP. Rent together first before committing to owning a house with someone.

You're being ridiculous OP (both of you).

If you want to move in together after only a year that's fine, but just bloody rent for a couple of years while you get to know each other.

You're not on the same page at all OP. I think your judgement is off here, its not just MN where people would say don't buy with someone you've known 8 months, child or no child it's not a good decision. Ring fencing isn't a simple answer and it will still be hard and potentially costly getting out of the financial ties. You have a child to think of anf you don't even know how he'll handle being a bigger part of your child's life. Rent somewhere together, keep the current 75K in your name only, start a joint savings account you both add to and a joint current account for bills, see if he pays reliably, if he can save and see how he goes living with you and your child. Your risking a lot buying together without working out if your actually compatable living together.

Yep AFBSN!!

Yes again!!

So when you say you're buying a house together what you actually mean is you're buying a house alone. He's contributing nothing to said house. Except his "trustworthy" presence of course.

Moving in together after a year isn't particularly nuts in a good, balanced, equal relationship. Renting together at this point, for instance, would be a sensible next step. Moving in together after a year when there's a huge financial disparity between you, you're planning to buy, and he's already prioritising sportsball and lads trips over spending time with you? During the period of your relationship when he should be the most besotted, devoted and on his absolute best behaviour? Yeah sorry OP that's fucking nuts. You want to spend that deposit money getting your head examined.

This and everything @TwylaSands said right at the start.

If this is true, you do need your head examined.

Of course there is nothing wrong with moving in together at this stage (if you are both child free) - but to rented accommodation, or one of you moving in to the other's home. What you are talking about is just bonkers.

Going on a fab holiday with a mate is a normal thing for someone with no ties to be doing. Only 8 months into a relationship, that, in itself isn't unreasonable. But does evidence you are at different places in your thinking.

He saw you coming luv

What this says!

You've only been together 8 months and currently have no shared finances. Of course he can go to America with his mate! He'll obviously need to find the funds and it can't mean that he gets out of paying rent for a month to fund it. But you don't actually live together or have shared finances currently. It sounds like things are moving way too quickly for two people who haven't had serious conversations about life goals and responsibilities.

That said, I take a holiday every year abroad and I don't ask dh's permission to go - other than to clear the dates with him to make sure he is around to take care of our dc. I use my own money to fund it, just as he uses his own money to do things he wants to do in his leisure time.

You have to be able to trust that he will keep his financial commitments if you take any on, yes. But beyond that, he can do what he wants with his personal money and his holiday time.

Oh wake up OP.

You’ve saved 75k, he has nothing. Why hasn’t he saved anything?

He saw you coming. Do not put your 75k into a joint house or anywhere near him.

Put your £75k into YOUR OWN HOUSE. Not joint. Do not let him move in. He will be a cocklodger spending his money and then yours.

Continue to just date him IF you really want to.

BUT
He can stay in his rented home. He can pay his own bills. Wash his own clothes. Cook his own meals.
You are not his priority. Do not be his meal ticket.

His financial priorities are wildly different to yours. And he's not even slightly sheepish about the disparity! This is not a good basis upon which to start planning a future with your money intermingled.

If I was you, I would want to see some evidence that his economic mindset has shifted to more closely align with mine.

Evidence such as refraining from going on holiday with his mate and instead saving that money!

You must be absolutely stark raving bonkers to even consider this!

You have a young child?????

He's landed on his feet with you hasn't he. Wake up!