His holiday

[toomanyjellyfish]

Help me get some perspective. dP (together 8 months). We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house. I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place. We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.

This weekend he says his friend who is newly single has messaged to say he wants to go to America to watch a big sports game. DP says he's really keen but I'm miffed for two reasons. 1) we are supposed to save towards our house deposit/ fees. He says he won't go if he thinks it's too expensive and
2) he gets very little holiday entitlement and since all his days were peebooked this year for family events I had hoped that he'd want to spend some time with me.

Am I being selfish? I need perspective.

How old is your child?

Has your boyfriend got any children?

It wasn't closed so much as it reached the limit for the maximum number of posts on a thread: 1000.

I think its fine in so far as....

We moved in after 1 year.
Started looking for houses after 18m and had bought together in 2
Engaged at 2.5, married at 3.

BUT
My dh and i are 95%+ aligned on values and goals. Eg whats good value whats a waste of money, how important are holidays/hobbies/leisure time. How we treat/prioritise family, when we want to retire, what sort of life we want in 10/20/30 years

No way would either of us do what your boyfriend is proposing. For us it wouldn't be a question as the drive to build a secure future is /was way higher than having fun on a jolly holiday.
It doesnt matter what you actually want but you should want the same things have a shared vision. You dont have this.

Dropping £2-3k on an international sporting event while saying you want to save and then letting your girlfriend bank roll /sub you DOESN'T scream "building a life you is my priority"

I couldnt be with someone who so financially incompatible with me and i certainly wouldnt be taking steps to emotionally and financially commit to him further until he took drastic steps to show me he meant business and wanted to invest in a shared future with me.

EDIT: just saw you have a child. Grossly irresponsible from both a financial and emotional pov to be considering doing any of this. Poor child...

Yes your priorities are different. You have a significant sum saved. He hasn't saved yet and is planning an expensive long haul holiday.

OP have you done the Freedom Programme? You've just escaped an unhealthy relationship with your ex and you're now moving things forward pretty quickly with this one. He might be one of the "good" ones but he might also have completely different priorities to you so if you pull in different directions it's going to get old very quickly. You've not given your ages which would provide a bit of useful context.

Of even more concern is your child who I assume is still quite young and lives with you? If so, please stand in their shoes and try and imagine what they've gone through and how it will feel for them having to share their home with a man their mum barely knows (and this applies to a 1 - 2 Yr long relationship.) There is so much here ringing alarm bells, not just the holiday.

Don’t buy a house with a man with zero savings who will still take expensive holidays and who doesn’t prioritise any holiday days for you! You can rent together. I personally think you should push off moving in until you’ve had a week holiday together. And if he can’t fit you in once he’s allocated all his leave to his family and friends that’s a message isn’t it? Who doesn’t want to holiday with their new partner??

OP the post asking if you’re batshit nuts isn’t (necessarily) about him being untrustworthy, it’s about the fact he CLEARLY has different priorities to you. If he didn’t he would have some savings (or he wouldn’t be in a position to suggest buying or going to America).

If you like him move in for a while, but rent. Have a shared account and see if he is capable of managing his money without freeloading off you. But really, the signs are that the two of you are at very different stages in your life.

Your priorities are too different for a long term future. You're an adult he's a man child. Don't buy with him.

You nailed it

Wow he saw you coming with your £75 K
He's showing you who he is financially and otherwise
This is how it will be in the future

This.

If you want to be one of the people posting on here about how you've got kids, your partner never helps out, is always gaming or with his mates and doesn't earn well either - go ahead.

But honestly, get some self-respect. you can do better.

If you click on the link its still there - its at 40 pages now so cant comment on it

Have you lost your mind? Why, oh WHY would you share finances with a man when he has the sum total of fuck all, and you have £75k?!!

Do not do this. Unless you want to lose everything.

OP, I just wanted to say, when I met my husband he had a dead end job, was struggling to pay rent on his own place, drowning in debt and things were pretty miserable for him financially.

I had already bought my own home (mortgaged) and owned my car etc outright. Financially we were worlds apart.

We moved in together (as he was struggling to make the rent each month) within 3 months. He never contributed to the mortgage or bills, and still doesn’t, however, all ‘serious grown up’ spending goes out of my account. Leaving his account free for all the fun stuff.

We were married within 11 months of meeting. Insane, I know.

My husband went on to set up his own business and because quite successful. He works bloody hard and even though I still pay all the bills from my account all of our money is ours. I help myself to his bank when I want to treat myself to something nice, or I want to take our little girl out somwhere nice, or if either of us book a holiday etc.

We’ve been married 10 years now, with a 5 year old, joint mortgage and I’m happy. I think he is too.

I just wanted to get across that a poor match financially and moving quickly isn’t always bad. It was a risk I suppose, but he’s a good man who had just lost his was a little and needed to find his drive again. I’d like to think we both got our happy ending :)

Think TwylaSands is spot on here. You need to ensure the safety of your money!!
Re the holiday - is it a once in a lifetime opportunity? I’d probably not be that bothered if it was a fantastic opportunity but it sort of shows you where he puts the value of you buying B.V. a house together in his list of priorities! Share finances after 8 months when one of you has a lot & the other nothing is complete MADNESS though!!

You are being extremely gullible, or just plain deluded.
You have 75k to put down, he has nothing.
Do not share finances with this man after only 8 months!!

If I had only known my partner for 8 months and we had plans to buy a house but only with my money because he had no savings to contribute then the house would be getting bought in my name only. Is this what your plan is OP? Theres no way id be letting someone put their name to a house they didnt financially contribute too after such a little amount of time. Moving in together after a year can be pretty standard but buying a house is a huge deal!

Moving in together after a year is fine. Buying a place together is bonkers, especially when he has no savings of his own. Why does he have no savings?

Maybe he thinks one last big holiday before he commits

And again with knobs on

together 8 months). no time at all. Literally not enough time!

We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house.
this is ok if neither of you have children

I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place.
does he have £75k for a deposit too? How will you ensure that money is protected from him? Does be have money for solicitors? Stamp duty? All money you dont get back when you sell. What is his contribution?

We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.
are you fucking nuts?! You've known him 8 months! Edited

☝️☝️This.. please be smart, please think about yourself in this what would happen to you if say in another years time things fell apart, it may not be him you might decide it’s not right.
But knowing what I know now financial independence is just the top priority honestly

Why does he have no savings OP? Has he been renting and struggled to save? Thats an understandable reason for not having huge savings but you would still expect him to have some. Or is he bad with money?

You have known him for a very short period of time and although I bought together with my DH quickly, we were on an equal level financially. Make sure you protect your £75k!

There is a thread on here literally now about an OP whose sister has been left penniless by their super trustworthy amazing husband - give it a read

Him going on holiday is not any problem at all to me - as long as he can afford. But keep your finances separate

The so-called big sports game will cost a lot more than £3k to go to. If you thought Wimbledon tennis or Chelsea FC men's football tickets were expensive, they cost a lot less than US sporting events.