His holiday

[toomanyjellyfish]

Help me get some perspective. dP (together 8 months). We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house. I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place. We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.

This weekend he says his friend who is newly single has messaged to say he wants to go to America to watch a big sports game. DP says he's really keen but I'm miffed for two reasons. 1) we are supposed to save towards our house deposit/ fees. He says he won't go if he thinks it's too expensive and
2) he gets very little holiday entitlement and since all his days were peebooked this year for family events I had hoped that he'd want to spend some time with me.

Am I being selfish? I need perspective.

Adding to the chorus of 'don't be a fucking mug'.

you wonder whether your priorities are different?

I'd say that's a big fat yes. You know it - you might not want to accept it but you know it. Not only is he about to go off and spend a ton of cash that has nothing to do with your new house or you; hes also using leave (which means you guys cant go holiday even if you wanted too).

Hes telling you loud and clear that you (and this new house) are not the priority in his life.

I think you're rushing into this commitment

The only way I would consider is that is if you bought the house yourself and it is in your name only and he pays you "rent "

Hes not as committed as you are

He's got so many red flags, he's brought a flagpole with your money to display them.

I’ll go against the grain here… I started looking at buying a house with my now husband after 6 months & we finally moved in after a year. Engaged at 18 months then married after 2 1/2 years together. We met in our mid 30’s.

However, if he talked about a big trip without actually having anything to contribute towards the purchase I wouldn’t have gone ahead. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 but he must show willing AND that he’s a grown up ready for a grown up life… and mortgage. It sounds like you’re buying a house with your child rather than partner.

The holiday allocation wouldn’t bother me as much as the money tbh!

hi, head over to the other trending thread on women whose unmarried partner has done a bunk after 20 something years

marriage is a legal protection- if you’re silly enough to think this doesn’t apply to you and this partner then don’t blame anyone but yourself when you find you have no rights whatsoever to assets accumulated during your relationship in his name.

that aside, the fine if you want to live and buy a property togther and not be married, if no children involved. But for gods sake protect yourself

1. Buy the property as tenants in common, not joint tenants. Do this legally and have a contract drawn up over what share you each own in proportion to what you have paid. Include what the course of action is if you split up - e.g does one party have first dibs to buy the other out, what if you both want to buy each other out , what if one of you is dragging heals to sell for higher price and other needs money now? Etc
2. have seperate mortgages as tenants in common. Mortgage companies don’t like it, you’ll both pay slightly more in terms of rates, but it ensure you are each not saddled with debt form the other if it goes tits up
3. Do not pay wages or let any balance build in the joint account. Use it for just essential bill payments and what you agree for food if sharing cooking and shopping. Come up with budget, review it annual and both pay in a monthly amount to cover these minimal costs. If a balance grows, drop the amount you pay in the next month to reduce the balance. Put only what is necessary each month into it.
4. do not have any shared accounts for savings. You need the legal protection marriage act provides to protect a shared accounts assets.

but be bloody careful about entering into financial agreement with someone who is still clearly looking for different life than you….if he was absolutely committed to making sacrifices needed for HIM to save a £75k contribution, or at least ANY contribution to a deposit you would not even have had this conversation. He is a spender not saver. You are opposite. Fine to hang out, have a relationship and have fun..but it’s red flags all the way for long term relationship happiness….

Not sure why people are going bat shit over this

you plan on moving in together this year

And buying somewhere next year, so 2 years after getting together - not unreasonable

This is also an extremely good suggestion OP to discuss…

1. he can have a full tenancy so has protection against you throwing him out on a whim at short notice.
2. pyou can earn up to £6k TAXFREE Income form renting a room in your home . That’s income you can save or help offset your mortgage
3. you could decide, if you are planning future togther, thst you charge him a lesser rent than commercial viable, and that he uses this to save for his own deposit so that in say, 3-4 years down the road, you can buy togther
4. it helps ensure you really do get to know each other if you are insistent that marriage is not necessary (which as I said earlier makes you quite silly but there you go!)

Not enough people think of this a potential option. You need a proper tenancy drawn up so you have rights to evict if needed, and that he cannot make claims on house. You have to be careful with allowing him to pay for things in house or do work as again could give him claims. But as temporary first step, where deposits are so very uneven, ithis is great safe option giving you the home you want and both of you living togther

think on it seriously

I agree.

Op, only you know how 'equal' this relationship is, in terms of what you each bring to it. Wanting a holiday on his own so early in your relationship is not necessarily a problem, unless you are financing absolutely everything else.

Dh and I have been together nearly 23 years. We still have separate current accounts, but we have one joint savings account. My advice to you would be not to combine finances. Work out what your respective incomings are, split bills according to a ratio (if he earns a third more than you, he pays a third more towards bills - you each agree to take a personal allowance per week/ month and then put the rest into joint savings. You only draw on that for joint items). And please make sure you have official arrangements drawn up (having obtained legal advice) that protect your stake in your house. If he objects to any of this, that's a red flag, run for the hills. If he agrees, your relationship will develop and become more equitable financially as you both progress.

My advice though (which many here on numsnet may disagree with) is to maintain some financial independence, even if/ when you eventually marry. That doesn't mean prenups, it just means be sensible about the number of loans you each take out for joint expenditure and ensure you both continue to contribute equitably (according to your respective incomes) to your joint savings.

The post states they’re looking to buy next year

at which point they’ll have been together nearly 2 years

hardly drama inducing

You'd be insane to share finances with a person you've been with 8 months regardless of any America trips.

Moving in together after a year is fine, but you treat the other like a flatmate (from a financial pov) for at least a couple of years: all commitments are split 50/50, including housework and maintenance.

You DEFINITELY don't set up a joint account with somebody you've known for less time than I've had some tins of soup in my larder...

Only then do you see if it's working and proceed accordingly.

We’ve been married 11 years , when we met I had a home with significant equity , we have subsequently moved twice and I have never added him to property - fortunate that my salary alone has been enough for mortgage. I have the equity protected as a declaration of trust and equity in this home if we divorced would be split 50/50 once I am repaid.

Can you afford to buy a home in just your name ?

Too much too soon. It doesn't bode well if you're already disagreeing about him going on a trip with a friend after only 8 months. It sounds like you want different things.

The only mumsnet formula is ‘don’t be a mug’!

It’s not mumsnet formula, it’s common sense. Talking pooling finances with someone you’ve known 8 months is nuts, especially when you have a child that, quite frankly, I don’t feel this person should even have met more than a handful of times casually. You are clearly on different pathways and you are asking mumsnet what his intentions are, as he has no interest in using his holiday to spend time with you. Moving in with someone you’ve never even been on a long weekend with is mad. Different even when people get married quickly out of uni and are on an equal footing, but you have a different intention/pathway, more money, and a child. You can’t rush forward into a massively unequal situation that could be hugely damaging to the child involved. Just no.

He isn’t fucking trustworthy. He sees a good thing, which is you putting down 75k so he can have a roof over his head. Word to the wise I brought somewhere with a man and ring fenced my deposit. Problem is you still have to sell the fucking place to get it back and move on. It took us 19 months to sell. 19 months where he was living on my money and because he owned 15% I couldn’t chuck him out. You’d be an absolute fucking mug to combine finances with this guy.
He owns nothing so is no worse off if you buy somewhere yourself and then he moves in with you.

Wow - mumsnet formula
Make wild assumptions and accusations about ops partner, piss all over her future plans, call the op ' fucking stupid and don't get anywhere near the actual question.

Team bat shit here - even with your update.

Partyatnumberten the question was asking for perspective and asking ‘am I selfish?’

The answers are trying to give perspective and highlighting, essentially, that the OP is asking the wrong question and missing the big red flags. The guy might be fine and wonderful, but his priorities are very different from the OP’s and more caution is needed to protect OP’s future, child, and assets.

It's not so much the time frame but rather that you'll be contributing unequally. My DH and I bought a house together after 6 months together, had known him for 20 years at the time. He was a previous home owner, was financially stable with similar savings to me. At the time we had already discussed marriage. We both put down an equal deposit.

Had your DP owned a house before? What is his current living situation? How is he with money? Does he have any debts? Do you earn a similar salary?

I think you've explained it badly.

If you move in together rented for a year and have a joint account for bills which you each contribute a proportion of income to, I think that's a good idea. Do not touch the £75k.

Or you buy now and he rents from you as a tenant with an agreement. You have a joint account for the bills where a proportion of your respective salaries go.

In terms of his holiday, do I think he should go? Yes. Because I don't like you saying he can't spend his own money. It's his. He can do with it what he likes. If you don't like what he chooses to do with it, then YOU choose to walk away. But you laying down the law and saying he can't spend any income whilst you're trying to save and spend time with his mates, that's financial abuse in my opinion and a massive red flag about your relationship in general. Essentially, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

75k

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