His holiday

[toomanyjellyfish]

Help me get some perspective. dP (together 8 months). We have decided to move in together after we've been together a year and the goal is to next year buy a house. I have 75k for a deposit which will help us secure a place. We had a plan to greet a shared bank account, save and basically start to share finances.

This weekend he says his friend who is newly single has messaged to say he wants to go to America to watch a big sports game. DP says he's really keen but I'm miffed for two reasons. 1) we are supposed to save towards our house deposit/ fees. He says he won't go if he thinks it's too expensive and
2) he gets very little holiday entitlement and since all his days were peebooked this year for family events I had hoped that he'd want to spend some time with me.

Am I being selfish? I need perspective.

Say goodbye to your £75K. You must be utterly blind.

I remember a previous post from @toomanyjellyfish where she said this about her ex:

For background, we were not married and we have one child together.

You've been dating the new bloke for 8 months and you want to move in to a rental together already, when you have a young child? Then buy a joint house with your money within a year?

You must be out of your mind.

Prioritise your child, not this asset-free bloke who priositises his sports holidays with mates.

Everything above. In bold. And capitals. And a dozen exclamation marks.

AFBSN
This

Have a read of this thread
Affair and left penniless | Mumsnet
This could be you in the future - dump and get far far away from this ass whole

In a word yes.

Yes your priorities are different.
And yes, not that you asked, but it is too soon. No, you don't have to live together forever first, but 8 months is not enough to know someone well enough. If it was you wouldn't be in here asking the question and being told unequivocally that they are.

Listen to the words of wisdom!

OP with all due respect from the info you've provided you sound desperate.

He has no savings you have 75k? Come on OP smell the coffee ! He is a freeloader ,if you do move in he wont want to pay the gas bill ,Read the room ,so many red flags!

Moving in together after a year is fine (if no children) but not to buy a house and share finances. Why not rent for a bit first just to see if you're compatible.

Why the big rush?

Well he obviously doesn't prioritise saving. You're at completely different life stages OP, you have a child to consider and you want to buy a house, he wants to go on hols with his mates. This isn't a good match.

It is completely demoralising and exhausting in the long term if one of you is knuckling down, earning good money, living within your means and saving to build a future and the other is living day to day and pissing money up the wall. If you don’t share a vision of the future that you are both working towards things sour quickly.

After 8 months this guy is your boyfriend, not your partner. You might not be able to see it but to others it’s fairly clear. Based on his behaviour- no savings, not wanting to spend money on your joint future, not wanting to use leave to spend with you- I would expect that he doesn’t envisage being with you next year. Keep your powder dry and your money in your pocket or you’ll be stuck in a house and paying for it by yourself.

Moving in together after 1 year, fine (assuming no children involved).

Creating a joint account for joint expenses. Also fine.

Buying a house after less than 2 years together when one partner is contributing the entire deposit? Batshit.

The holiday I am on the fence about. If an incredible opportunity for a sport he loved came up, I can easily imagine deciding it was okay for DH to go. But in your case, the question is whether this is a sign of a bigger issue of him not being as committed to you, and to your joint financial future, as you'd like him to be.

I moved in with my now husband after a year I don’t think that is hasty. We rented for another year then bought a house. I put a bigger deposit down so I owned 65% of the house. I think as long as you protect your deposit then it’s fine but given he has no savings, it may be worth considering if you have the same financial goals and view of money. I suppose something you can find out whilst you rent together etc.

I think it is hasty when there are children in the mix you don't share, that's the key issue here.

Problem is if he buys in and it doesn’t work out he is entitled to stay there until she afford to buy out his share or the property sells. Which means her and her child living with this man. In the current market houses around my way have been on the market for over a year. If he doesn’t have a deposit it isn’t like he was looking to get on the property ladder imminently anyway. She should just buy on her own and him move in with her.

There are red flags on both sides IMO.
I don't think either of you are wrong, but you're not financially compatible, and your priorities and what you value are different. This is already causing problems hence you posting, which will be a million times worse if you don't acknowledge and address it or split up and go ahead with (what I'm willing to bet was) your plan to share finances and buy a house for him to live in.
Don't focus on the wrong thing. The holiday is a symptom of much bigger problems beginning to arise in your relationship. Slow things down, shelve your plans, and reassess your relationship. Don't blindly pursue a dream life you cannot build with this man.

You are not his priority, his friends are. You are his mealticket though. If I had a tenner for every thread like this I have read over the years, I'd probably be able to match your deposit.

Shared bank account when he has no savings and wants to spend money on a holiday? Seriously do not get a joint bank account with this guy and don't even consider buying a place together using your savings as a deposit, if you buy together with both your names on the paperwork he'll be entitled to a share of that property if you break up.
This is your chance to get out of this relationship without any serious consequences!

Yes op your priorities are different. He's broke yet is trying for an expensive holiday. You have savings and want a mortgage. He clearly has a vastly different perspective about money. Unless or until you are in the same page reconsider your next move.

You've saved 75k, he's saved fuck all........match made in heaven 🙄

Oh, this is all going to end in tears.

Yours.

Don't be so stupid.

op you need to back off. I get you want to be happy but you’re going about this the wrong way. Look at what happened with your ex please get therapy. Protect yourself and your child. Do not let another man walk all over you like your ex did. Buy a place just you and your child .

Buy a house BY YOURSELF, have him as a lodger. Test it. Do not create a nightmare for yourself with a man who has shown his priorities.

You have £75k for a deposit and he has £0?

I wouldn't buy a house with him. You've known him less than a year. You're not fully committed to each other. You're still not his priority ... except perhaps he sees you have money and he doesn't ... and he wants to continue his holidays without you, time and money-wise.

Wake up.

If you were engaged, planning a future together properly where you were both protected and committed to the relationship, sure. But from here, it looks like saw you coming and jumped at the opportunity to get on the housing market at your expense.