AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

In my experience being a SAHP wasn't like what people make out either. So yeah YANBU.

I think being a SAHP is about a million times easier than being a GP in the majority of cases. But if my friend just wanted a rant I'd make sympathetic faces and noises most likely, rather than disagree with them.
Just say sorry and ask her if she'll move on.

I don’t find this is a case of SAHP vs working parent, she’s clearly struggling and looks to be asking for help.

if it’s household chores she’s needing help on can they hire some help?

if he’s working 60+ hours , then she’s doing the majority of the child rearing , to the free time they have together should be spend on the children and not chores.

Your friend is needing help, it’s not an argument.

Sounds like she just wanted a rant rather than your actual opinion, which is frustrating.

She doesn't sound particularly nice, and the way you speak about her, you don't seem to like her all that much, so I'd just step back. Leave her to her huff.

Being a full time working parents is basically being a SAHP who works 40 hours a week. It’s not like parenting is part time is it? It’s not like chores and washing don’t exist for people with jobs. Your friend would do my nut tbh.

Yanbu

Honestly, unless your children have additional needs, being a SAHP is easier. Whether it works for you or makes you happy is quite a different matter.
I think all you can do is try to persuade her that you’ll have to agree to differ. She sounds very rigid and uncompromising though!

I think you are not best friends. You don’t seem to like her much.

I found being a SAHP much harder than working personally. It is emotionally and physically draining in a way work was not for me.

I think your friend has every right to expect help at home. Maybe not a 50/50 split but working doesn’t absolve you of all home responsibilities. As a single working parent if I had just decided I was too tired to do anything in my house I’d live in a hovel.

It's not always easy to quantify the hours worked by a SAHM but ideally both partners should have an equal share of the leisure time.

I'm with you OP.

60 hours a week full time is way harder than being a SAHP

But that doesn't mean he should do nothing - he should pitch in a bit and definitely at the weekends.

Tricky. Depends what she's doing all day. When I had a newborn and a toddler I'd say my job was harder than my husband's and was genuinely 24/7, now that the kids are at school I don't expect him to do laundry or cleaning because my job is much easier!

I wouldn't accept him sitting on his arse when I was working though outside his working hours (if I've been busy all day too) - eg if I do bedtime he does a quick tidy round, when I cook he loads the dishwasher. I also expect him to not make things worse - pants on the floor, food wrappers and crumbs on the side etc - I'm not a maid. Basically it should be fair.

There were times as a SAHP that I would have done anything to walk out of the door and not have to think about the children for a few hours. I remember dh saying he'd have liked to be at home at lunch time (as my dad used to) to spend time with the baby, and me replying: I'd love to be able to just think about lunch and not spend my lunch time eating on the hop between jobs.

I loved being a SAHM. I would do it again if I was asked.

But I don't think it's entirely about time taken, or stressfulness of the job. It's the non-stop never a moment to yourselves. Dh used to do bath time when the children were small. It took about 20-30 minutes and I treasured every moment of being able to just relax knowing that whatever there was not going to be a call for me to drop everything (barring emergencies obviously).

It can also be about acknowledging that it's not always easy, both ways. I did all the night feeds, as I breastfed. But when dd2, who slept about 2 hours maximum at a time until she was 20 months, had had a week of particularly bad nights (like every 40 minutes rather than every 2 hours) and dh woke up saying cheerfully "I expect she slept through; I wasn't disturbed once" I am confident everyone here would agree that pushing him out of bed and jumping on him was not an overreaction. I didn't want him to do the night feeds, but a little tact would have gone a long way. 🤣

@TheOriginalEmu
the op is right there at the top of the page, 6 posts above your own.

I'm currently cleaning the house on my day off. I work 60- 70 hrs per week. It's exhausting to do absolutely everything plus work stupid hours. Unless the children are pre school or have additional needs then no it is definitely not harder to stay at home full time.

I think the key here is 'she asked my opinion'

If she was just venting and you said all that theh yes that's unsupportive. However if she asked for your opinion, specifically if she was being fair or if she is 'right'(rather than an opinion around 'how can I get him to see my point of view',, which is doesn't ask for judgement on the view itself) then that's what you did (althoughit is about the delivery but clearly we can't comment on that).

So I wouldn't be apologising. She asked for an opinion. You gave your opinion. And I'd be saying that to her. That you thought she wanted honesty, you're sorry that you upset her and you didn't want to devalue her role, but as you were asked for an honest opinion you were trying to do this and see things from her husbands point of view. Tell her that friends will disagree on things and you see that as being ok and you're happy to avoid these types of subjects from now on but ask her what she actually wants from you - if its someone to vent to then fine but you don't think it's fair to set you up by asking a question if the answer is always got to be 'yes you're 100pc in the right Sarah' for her to keep talking to you.

Also I'd be asking myself if I actually want to stay friends with her - she sounds like a twat

I was a SAHM as my DH worked long hours with commute . To expect him to come home and make dinner or hoover is just so unreasonable when you have been home all day. Unless you have extra needs or a mansion, most people would manage. Plus you are under no obligation to do anything at a certain time . Yes he could load dishwasher after dinner , bath kids or put them to bed, just tidy his own things .
But your friend didn't want to hear that . She just wanted you to agree with her .Suggest you ask her to agree to disagree and not mention it again.

I found being a SAHM very easy, I got all house jobs done during the day so my DH and I could have the evenings and weekends to relax.

One year with two under two was totally mad but then it got a lot easier.

I do think some people get stressed and are busy whatever they do with their time so maybe your friend genuinely does find it hard.

I didn't clarify but I think her husband should also help on his days off.
Even if he just cooks one really nice meal at the weekend and is in charge of folding washing or whatever he can't have no jobs just because he works 60 hours but if she is at home full time, which is a huge luxury if it is a choice then she should be doing the majority of things at home.

How old are the kids?

funnily enough I clicked on this thread to say that when I was a SAHM my DH was a junior doctor and it really didn’t seem comparable. Now he’s a GP…

In situations like this I always think 'equal leisure time' is a fair approach. If they have 3 pre schoolers then she is probably right and she doesn't get any break while he is at work so should expect equal contribution evenings and weekends. If her kids are in school and nursery and she has time to herself in the day outside of doing house chores, then it's only fair that he has some time to unwind in the evenings. Weekends he should pull his weight (assuming weekly chores like mopping and cleaning bathrooms are done in the week). She would ha a point if for example he is refusing to lift a finger,pick up his own socks because 'he works'

She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP.

How much is she expecting? And how old are the children?
I think both of them should get equal "time off", so if they are pre-school children who don't go to nursery and he's refusing to do anything at all, he's taking the piss.
If they are at school then she really should be able to get everything done while they're there, and there should be no need for either of them to spend evenings or weekends doing housework beyond cooking and cleaning up after meals, which should be shared between the two of them (and with the children depending on ages, can they empty a dishwasher etc)

So a few people have mentioned that we don’t seem like best friends, and judging by the way I wrote that post I can certainly see that it seems that way.

But we have been through thick and thin together including some very tough times when we really had each other backs. She can be frustratingly rigid at times, but we’re still always there for each other. I guess like any other long-term relationship, we have our ups and downs. I’m hoping we can just resolve this one peacefully. Maybe what some people suggested about just putting on a smile and letting her vent a little bit is the best way to go.

Well firstly if this is a friendship-ending disagreement, your friendship is not very strong. You should be allowed to disagree.

Secondly, I think you/ her husband are mostly in the right, but I can also see that things are hard for her right now, and she probably wants that to be recognised.

Being a single parent and doing all of the housework is a lot of work, and she's probably just feeling a bit undervalued.

And even working a 60 hour week, he could definitely recognise that she is doing a lot at home, and could probably still stand to put the dishwasher on every so often. If he's doing literally nothing and expecting her to wait on him, I can see her point.

Playing who has the worst life never ends well.

It really depends on context, one 9 year old or two year old triplets with Sen?

I was a stay at home parent I looked after kids in day and did most housework

Evenings I did tea/pots but dh helped with bedtime. Weekend we each got a lay in would sometimes socialise have time away. while other had kids.But the rest of the time we were both hands on.

If he's literally ignoring them every evening and weekends then I see why she's fed up. But equally she can't expect a 50% split of house jobs

YANBU, but this isn't about being wrong or right OP, it's just about supporting your friend. Is there any reason why parenting is particularly hard for her e.g. DC with additional needs, health issues herself, lots of small DC? If she has one or two NT DC then tbh she sounds like a bit of a spoilt nightmare, but how important is your friendship?