AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

I was a sahm for years, I know work full time and the OH is a stay at home parent. Going to work is much easier in my experience but that might be because I come home and EVERYTHING is done. He manages like a pro but then our children are now older.

If it was normal hours I’d expect him to come home and help but working 60 hour weeks, then I would expect to not do too much at home as that’s long hours.

This! Perhaps she needs to get a full time job and slot in housework around work like the majority of couples have to do right now.
Unless her children are pre school age she will have a lot of hours to herself during the day to do whatever she likes.
If they are pre school age she can look forward to a break in a few years....her husbands patients won't dissappear for 6 hours a day at any point in the future.

I’ve never been a SAHM as I’ve always worked at least 2/3 days since my children were born.
it was no walk in the park when they were younger but I find it hard to compare being a full time worker (GP or not) and a SAHM. I don’t think for a min that it isn’t exhausting being a SAHM but surely if that’s a job you’ve assigned yourself, then you can’t complain. Both of you working makes things a bit more easier when deciding who does what around the house.

When my children were babies, I had the pleasure of taking them out most days to playgroups/had a lot of adult time, while they socialised. So whilst I had to do the majority of house work, I got the best end of the stick, I reckon.
my husband picks up the slack when I’m at work, which is the weekends.

My husband and I both worked full-time, me as a hospital doctor. We picked the babies up after nursery came home and shared the duties between us. We certainly did not start cleaning the bathroom when we came home from work, but we had to deal with the kids and make dinner.

The dynamic in the OP sounds irritating and unhealthy for all sorts of reasons. But the GP husband, I would expect to come home and want to spend time with his children, whether that’s feeding them or bathing them. And he should certainly make some effort to clean up after dinner.

At the same time the wife needs to stop turning it all into a competition. They need to work as a team and support each other, without stipulating hard and fast rules. Being a doctor with young kids is hard but you just get on with it.

To all the people he is wanting all evening free, th guy is working 12 hour days, nearly doubled the standard working week for most people. Is commute time included in that? I'd be surprised if he had more than 2 hours to recharge the batteries before bed.

A 60 hour week over 5 days is absolutely brutal and we all know what shitshow gp care is at the the moment so it's likely he has next to no downtime at work either...

The op has made clear he does his fair share on weekends

Being a SAHP is going to be easy if your kids are school aged. Both pre school aged? Not easy and your friends probably knackered too.

She's nuts. I have been a not employed outside the home SAHP, my job wasn't just looking after the kids it was the cleaning and cooking and shopping and all the rest of it.

Chores and washing up don’t exist for my partner most of the time as I do them all as the SAHP. I’m not saying this is a good thing but that is the reality, he basically has a full time housekeeper (so he doesn’t have to change the bed, do the washing, do the food shop etc which is what 2 parents would do between them if they worked full time)

Yeh I wouldn’t be speaking to you either.
Having a job doesn’t mean you don’t have to do any housework; how does he think most people with jobs and no wife-servant cope?

However, ime I found that being a sahp was SO MUCH harder than going to work. MUCH HARDER!! And that was with one dc. I'm guessing it would have been doubly hard with two dc?? I don't know.

Depends on your job and on your children, and possibly on your own preferences, strengths and weaknesses. I found being a SAHM an absolute piece of cake compared with working full time. I had two easyish dc and my job entailed looking after groups of 30 other people's (not always easy) dc at a time.

While parenting is largely thankless, working (in my job anyway) is sooooo much harder.

I’m on mat leave with a small baby and a three year old, and working is much harder.

Working does not absolve you of all chores/childcare responsibilities. She cannot reasonably expect hubby to do 50% of the chores, as she is at home all day, and will naturally end up doing more. However, she is still technically working full time, just in terms of childcare and chores, which is essentially unpaid labour.

The way I see it, they both work full time through the day, therefore when hubby comes home, childcare is split 50/50. She is right in that children are a 24/7 job, regardless of whether you work or not. They should be getting equal downtime in terms of childcare. Chores are something different, but it's not unreasonable to think they might have something like a 70/30 split there. It's nothing crazy to expect him to cook once a week, put the dishwasher on or etc.

But he does have a wife servant and that wife servant is at home 24/7 that's her job. I'm personally grateful for being a wife servant at the moment I'm dreading going back to work. If he was living alone the house would be tidy as he is never there to make a mess surely.

Comparing work with being a SAHP is a minefield.

Pre-lockdown I spent nine years working away from home from Monday morning to Friday evening, typically working 12-15 hours a day, while my DP was a SAHP. It was just assumed that when I was home I would take over all of the parenting so my DP could have two days off.

Nobody ever asked when I got my day off.

Sounds like you are taking on an unfair burden of work if you both split home duties equally but you take on far more work outside the home

Stay at home with them for a decade and you'll change your mind lol!

I would leave the friendship at the door and walk away. She sounds entitled and hard work. I couldn’t cope with that!

I also have a farm to run. Not my main source of income. Life is busy but parenting isn’t that ‘hard’, it’s just boring in the main.

So many variables - it’s impossible to vote on your AIBU itself

SAHM to pre schoolers is harder than just a full time job and nothing else.

SAHM to preschoolers and working full time then having to pick up kids from nursery or after school club, or take over when you get in, until bedtime are fairly equal, save for the one doing pick ups has extra stress of getting there on time.

SAHM to kids at school is easier than the other things.

Basically there are only so many hours in the day so there’s a limit to how many hours you can be working!

And variables for kids having disabilities, SEN etc of course

Regarding who has it hardest, day-to-day we both have good days and bad days, and I get to spend so much quality time with the children which is why I’m a SAHM.
However, I am unable to shake the constant fear that I won’t be employable again / I have no pension / I have a big CV gap / I’m too old etc etc and my partner doesn’t have to deal with this. His career has soared since we had children as he can work as many hours as he needs to without worrying about his children / the housework / admin etc. Some days I’m at peace with my choice and other days I feel like I’m up the creek without a paddle, and have to try really hard not to resent my partner for having a career when I don’t as we chose for me to stay home with the children. The hardest thing for me is definitely the more mental strain of our life choice rather than the day - to - day now that our children are a bit older

Not all children are the same and not all jobs are the same. Silly to try to generalise whether FT work is harder or SAHM.
Also, harder in what way? Physically, emotionally, mentally? Some people are fine with one type of 'difficult', but not another. Surely it's about respect and consideration for your partner. Peace and love ❤️

It works well for us. I feel we are a team whereas previous relationships felt like I was pulling all the weight.

And the husband does help on weekends, the only thing he asks is that on weeknight he has a few hours to himself when he comes home

I can’t believe so many people are defending this guy when he comes home every night and refuses to engage in any family life for 2-3 hours.. because tired .. it’s utter bullshit.

typical fucking GP, even their own wives can’t get in to see them!