AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think being a SAHP with a toddler is my idea of torture. Before anyone says anything I have done it - twice! 🤣
So yeah being a SAHP isn't all coffe mornings and play in the park.

However once DC are school age, it's a 100 times better and so much easier to keep on top of the housework.

However, I think the devision of labour is somethingthat each couple needs to work out for themselves.

I would welcome if my 60 hours/ week husband could take the kids for an evening or Saturday morning/ afternoon.

Or maybe put some washing into the washing machine...

Im a SAHP and do literally everything, which i think is fair. It's much easier than when i worked as DH works super long hours so i was working then had to do all of everything else on top. At least i have downtime now (altho youngest not at school yet)

I would say that if I knew a man who worked 60 hours a week in a demanding job and did not have to do housework, I would think he was very much onto a good thing. My wife works part time, I work about 60 hours, we roughly split the housework 50:50

To be honest, I’ve done both. Being a SAHP was boring, but much easier.

Why, when you were also working, did you have to do everything else on top too?

I think it is perfectly fair to expect the kid to be taken off her hands for an hour or two at the end of the day.

I mean, the way she dictated to her DH that she’d stay at home, that’s a recipe for disaster. I can see that marriage ending soon.

Your friend doesn't have to live with her decision though. She can get a job if she thinks it is easier.

There are many factors that can influence this, like the age of the kids, their general behaviour and how comfortable one is with housework, but generally I agree with you and your husband.

But although I agree in theory, because my husband are both terrible with housework (like, it's a real effort to get motivated and get anything done properly) and because our kids are very young (toddler + baby), we would probably find it harder to be a SAHP right now. I have 1 day a week with both kids and there is no chance any housework gets done on that day. It will be very different when they are older.

YANBU in having this opinion, yes the roles are equally difficult with specific challenges. However you didn’t sound particularly tactful in the way you expressed it to you friend. When me and my female friends share our annoyance or frustrations about our partners we are looking for emotional support and understanding from the friends not a lecture on why we may be wrong.
I have a DF who struggles with her DH’s foibles - I can often see both sides of the problem, but she is my friend so I let her sound off and make understanding comments - IMHO this is about giving emotional support and not about being ultra honest with your opinions.

I have to say that I agree with you OP, although I think it also depends to what extent the dad interacts with the kids when he gets home. He should still be an active part of the family when he comes home, and I’d expect him to want to spend time with her and the kids and not see things like bath time as a chore he doesn’t have to do - he should want to do that as a father. Not sure if that’s what the issue is?

Maybe shes struggling at the moment or more going on at home than you know about.

Hmm. I think that maybe you need to say to her that you appreciate that she sees it differently, but when you were in the position of SAHM you found it easier, may not be the case for her but you did speak with your experience in mind.

FWIW, SAHM is harder for me than a pretty well paying job.

Ive been both and I think perhaps she is struggling mentally with the drain of being a SAHM, same thing day in day out (as much as we love our kids), which is why she considers it so hard and is getting defensive about it. I look back on my SAHM years and only see all the lovely things now - snuggling on the sofa in front of Cbeebies when the weather was bad, lovely fresh air walks with the buggy when everyone else was working, actual time to meet friends and their kids. It did however not always feel easy at the time, there were plenty of hard days and I felt like I worked hard as a SAHM (at home and with the kids). You do lose your identity abit too and there are no rewards for the hard weeks.

But her DH is working 60 hour weeks so there is only going to be limited hours he can help at home, as theres only so many hours in the day. Unless her children have specific needs, there will be time in the day when the kids are napping/playing/watching tv when she can get some jobs done. I would expect that when he comes home, he would help with the kids so she can have a mental break from just being Mum all day. But 50% of the chores is abit ridiculous to ask of him.

I think your friend was probably looking for a bit of support, someone to have a moan too and get something off her chest. You were right to offer a different perspective, but it sounds like you were heavy handed. You basically told her she was wrong to feel the way she did, that she should appreciate having the opportunity to stay home with the kids and do all the domestic work by herself and that she wanted it this way so she should suck it up, even if it’s proving harder than she might have expected.

What you should have done, as a friend, is recognise that her experience is different from your own and see that she may be struggling. Whether or not you perceive it to be her own fault!

There is this.

When the husband comes home, he isn't having to deal with his patients any more (to any really degree) until he goes back to the surgery.
However, your friend who is a stay at home parent, doesn't get the luxury of having time without the kids being around.
It's also more difficult to get housework done when the kids are around, it's like trying to shovel snow in a snowstorm. You think things are done but they really aren't.
I can understand why she might want him to do more around the house but she must have known what she was getting in to by marrying a doctor, a GP at that and particularly when there is a shortage of GP's in general. If she needs help at home, surely there are services that she could pay for to help out - a cleaner, or getting a cook/housekeeper????

I think yABU for giving an opinion even though she asked. She probably just wanted a rant and you to mutter agreements so she felt better about being burnt out.

However, her amazeballs GP husband is unreasonable for wanting a couple of hours each night after work to chill out. That's basically all evening, isn't it? After getting home, eating dinner, that's the evening gone where he doesn't contribute to keeping the family wheels turning (i see loading the dishwasher as a quick task that has a huge benefit and stops the family from running out of plates for example).

Equal leisure time is the key as someone else said. Some nights he can waft about in the knowledge he has kept the NHS going and the nation in good health, other nights he sorts out dinner and watches Bluey with the kids while your pal can run off and scream into the abyss created by SAHM burnout.

I wouldn't actually say any of that to your pal. It isn't up to you really to have an opinion on how they can do their life better. Maybe apologise for overstepping the mark and go from there.

60 hours a week is brutal, 60 hours as a sahp plus everything else is also brutal. I had three under five at one point. I went back to work and DH stayed at home, for me I found that easier and it saved my sanity. DH was okay for a couple of years and then he preferred to work too... Shame, house had never been so clean 😁

I don't think couples/ partners should get into a competition about who's life is harder or who's more tired. It just invalidates the parties involved and gets people's backs up. As partners we need to support each other. Her husband wants free time but I'm sure she does too. She should get a few hoyrs a week when she isn't responsible for meetung ither peoples needs. Also, working doesn't mean he gets to opt out of parenting or the household work. She should pick up the majority because she's the SAHP but he needs to be involved as well.

I’ve been both a SAHP and working parent and a SAHP is “easier” in my opinion/experience. As long as both parents are getting equal downtime, the SAHP should be doing the bulk of the domestic work but the working parent should pick up some of it to enable equality of downtime.

Sorry OP but I think you are BU and a bit mean towards your friend. Two preschoolers who are not at nursery is bloody hard. Presumably your friend is also doing all night wakings as well? It’s not the same as if they are at school and I can easily see how resentment would build if her DH is coming home expecting dinner in the oven, kids clean, fed and ready for a quick kiss and story with Daddy and then him going to sit down and watch Netflix or whatever while she is STILL working. Finishing dinner, serving it, cleaning up afterwards, sorting out the laundry, tidying up the toys. Yet she can’t say anything (even to her best friend) because he does such an important and worthy job, clearly she should run herself into the ground to support him.

I’m not saying that he should do half the housework but certainly needs to pitch in to some extent when he gets home and at the weekends. If nothing else he needs to make sure he can financially help make your friend’s life easier like nursery for a couple of days and a cleaner every week.

I didn't read that the friends husband wanted total "free time" each night, he doesn't want to do housework. For me, that doesn't include taking care of your children! Or normal household evening stuff like making dinner.

@AnitaLovesIndianFood this is quite an important difference, if what her husband wants is come home and watch TV/read a book for 2h then yes, he is being unreasonable!

Whose job is harder is irrelevant. 60 hours or not he should be doing housework and childcare that's a given. That was his choice when he chose to live with someone and have children. I'm my husband is a doctor in a hospital and works 60+ hours a week. If I'm pottering around doing housework he's either playing with our children or if the children are asleep he's there doing the dishes or sorting the washing or wiping the windows he would never just sit there reading or watching tv and I have never had to ask him to help me. I have told him countless times to sit down and relax and he will not have none of it. I appreciate he is wired that way and is one of those people who doesn't know how to relax but he chose to live with me and chose to have children and so he needs to make a damn good effort with family life too. So who's job is harder is irrelevant it's about being a team

I'm at home with the baby therefore the house and kids are my responsibility at the moment. When I'm back at work it will be shared but the share will be based on how many hours I go back for. For now this is my "job and I treat it as such. I don't expect him to work a full a week and come home to a shithole while I'm there neither would I if roles were reversed. He does his bit on the weekend.

I think this depends on age and energy levels
. I was young & full of energy when i was SAHP with 3 dc and done everything whilst ex DH worked. I did resent him not pulling his weight at the time but I had 5 yrs off work & had a lot of downtime too with no work stress!
Now at 57 my DC are grown with dc themselves. My full time job is stressful, still do majority of the housework (as im fussy) but i loved my time off when i was not working.. ah well.only ten more years.😒

Well privately I'd be thinking she was deluded and entitled. However that's up to the wet lettuce she's married to, who sat by and let her 'insist' on not working rather than the shared arrangement he wanted to argue with her about, not me. Riding into the fray on behalf of your friends DH is never going to go well. A polite and non committal 'that sounds difficult' is the best response to venting you disagree with.