AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

Rude

It's funny that the responses generally seem to depend on the OP's view point.

I've noticed that when the OP has a view point that SAHP is easier, it is suddenly the hardest thing in the world but when OP is thinking about becoming a SAHP themselves, other SAHP's are all about telling OP about how they can have their own schedule, how they have all this time for hobbies and how it is so much easier now that they are out of the ''rat race''.

This makes a good point about the ages of the children. I had 2 under 2, friend has 3 under 2 (because twins). Going back to work is way easier than looking after too small ones. But if the children are older then it flips I think.

I’m a junior doctor, currently on mat leave with a 8 month old and a 3 yo. I was largely on my own with both of them for the pre school half term and I found it difficult. Parenting 2 tiny kids is so different from my job that I’m not sure it’s directly comparable. But, both situations can be stressful, monotonous, exhausting and exasperating. I do have sympathy for your friend if they are at home 24/7. Why don’t they use childcare if she is feeling overwhelmed?

I guess the same could be said for her - if she didn’t have a servant bringing home the money how would she cope if she’s so overwhelmed now?

Tbh, every “AIBU” will be coloured by the OP’s view point. They share it from their perspective, you don’t hear the other side.

With 2 pre school kids she is probably going all day from very early in the morning until 7-8 in the evening, that’s a very long day and also quite monotonous and boring.
He shouldn’t be doing absolutely nothing when he gets home and should at least help out until the kids go to bed, he should obviously be doing 50% at the weekend

True.

Did you really regard your DH as a servant when you was a SAHM OP? You don't sound like a very good friend. I only have one pre school age DC and one in school, but I certainly regard my working days as a day off! I can imagine 2 pre schoolers at home full time is pretty exhausting, especially if your DH doesn't help when he gets in from work!

I think it depends on the age of the children? If they’re baby/toddler age then fair enough he needs to pitch in a bit (but definitely not 50/50 if he’s working a 60 hour week). If they are school age then she needs to crack on, she has from 9-2 ish 5 days a week to do the housework

I don’t know what your experiences are so I won’t tell you how to feel, but if you were friends with any GP’s you would know that the reason you can’t see them is because of a problem greater than them. I have 4 GP friends and they all see more patients than they are actually comfortable to handle, but yet the demand is even greater and people still can’t get in to see them. You can’t blame the bus driver that there aren’t enough seats on the bus, you blame the transport operator for not providing enough buses

but that’s a different topic

I agree! Yes he has a demanding job but if he gets home at six and refuses to engage, he's pretty much missing meal, bath and bedtimes. Sod that. Why should the friend have to do all that on top of having two pre-schoolers at home all day? She's not the unreasonable one in this scenario.

I often work 10/11 hr shifts and I'm not much good for anything when I get home. I'm a single parent so I have no choice to do a certain amount but even my children have chores if they are home for the day or get home first. I'd not be impressed if someone who'd been home at day nagged for me to do certain chores when I got home late.

Being a SaHP is easier - I did have a few years at home before I became single.

As a SAHP it was mostly help with end of day stuff like bath and bedtime with the children. That isn't an unreasonable ask of the parent who has been at work all day and neither is asking them to tidy after themselves if everything had been already cleaned up. A share of early mornings/night disturbances on the days off is also fair.

Says as one who clearly doesn't have any close friends!

I agree with you OP. I had three under three at one point and it was hard. But I had the option to slack off if I wanted, I could do an online food order and sack off playgroup today if I felt like it, or leave the dishes from the morning till the afternoon and leave the washing mouldering in the washing machine. You can't do that if you have a work deadline, or a list as long as your arm of patients.

Not saying he should be sitting on his arse whenever he's home, but he presumably has weekends free, so should be pulling his weight with regards to the children. He should also be throwing money at whatever he can - dishwasher, tumble-dryer, food deliveries - that sort of thing. But I think the expectation of 50/50 is a bit unfair.

Sorry I didn’t get you?

60 hours as a GP? I weep.

I think he put to cut back his hours and send her off to work to make up for the lost income. Then he should start helping at home.

I'm a GP and there is no expectation from my DH that I do a thing on my working days (I'm part time). I'm usually frazzled, mute and useless by time I get home anyway from the 30-40 consultations I've had plus all the in between paperwork.

I suspect the issue is that he gets home and that she is dealing with the witching hour of tea baths and bedtime which frankly is pretty stressful.

I suspect if she could persuade him to help for 30 mins when he got in she would probably feel less alone.

I had twins, and stayed at home until they went to school. I would not describe it as a privilege. I did it because we felt it was best for them.
Both sahm to pre schooler and a GP are going to be tired and stressed. I think she was venting and looking for someone to moan to.

It's a bit unreasonable to remind her that she wanted to be a sahm - it's like saying all
You wanted this baby you deal with it.

Yeah, he’s one of the few GPs that still works 5 days a week.

Not that I blame you for going part-time, personally I think working 60 hours a week is completely unsustainable in the long run. Not sure how he does it.

My husband recently thought he could garner some sympathy from me by telling me mournfully that he goes to work to get a break. I said to him that it shows what a cushy number he has because I don't get a break in work. I have an incredibly full on, intense, never ending job where I usually work through all of my breaks. When people talk about going to work to be able to drink a cup of tea in peace, I really can't relate. What tea? There's not much time for tea in my line of work, and if there is, its very rushed. I actually love my job (its a vocation or I couldn't stick it!).

When I come home, I am absolutely exhausted and then have to do all of the housework and life administration.

I don't work 60 hours a week, but if my husband was at home all day and said I wasn't pulling my weight enough then I'd be pretty annoyed.

When I was a sahp, everything was done by the time DH got home. There wasn't much to catch up on. I just asked that DH didn't expect me to pick up after him like a child but didn't expect him to do much.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't expect him to do housework but I would expect him to spend time with his children so it depends what she's actually asking and what he's actually refusing to do

It all depends on the circumstances and the type of job that you have. I am now a SAHP to my 10 month old as I've decided not to return after mat leave. I worked as a nursery manager, so for me now only being responsible for one is a bit of a relief and I'm finding being at home much easier. DH works as an animation artist and he finds his job very laid back so is happy to cook dinner for us when he walks in the door. I normally catch up with all the housework during the day. I can imagine though that being a GP is probably extremely stressful.

But you’re not telling THOSE friends that ‘that is the life you chose so you need to live with it’ .. you’re empathising with them for the things that are outside their control, as any good friend should do.

Having a husband who wants 2-3 hours of alone time away from his wife and kids when he comes home from work is a problem for your friend which is outside of her control but you have zero empathy for her to the point where you then go on to berate her for choosing that path in life.

its quite hypocritical to be fair.

She just wanted to vent. Stop advising people. They don’t want it even when they ask for it!

I've noticed that when the OP has a view point that SAHP is easier, it is suddenly the hardest thing in the world but when OP is thinking about becoming a SAHP themselves, other SAHP's are all about telling OP about how they can have their own schedule, how they have all this time for hobbies and how it is so much easier now that they are out of the ''rat race''.

Imo it's just that people are more likely to respond to a thread if they have a point to make or an axe to grind - i.e. if they disagree with the OP.

It's not just childcare is it. It's that + all the housework. Who does the food shopping, takes children to appointments etc? & If he works all those hours why don't they have a cleaner anyway? Some speak as if SAHM = never allowed to be tired and feel isolated, + being 'On' all the time like a robot. You can't get all your chores done with children under your feet, is she still doing chores when he comes in? If so not much quality time together, also presumably he's knackered when he comes home likely in bed early. Do they even like each other?