AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

I completely agree that balance is very important- I am certainly not advocating that work should be prioritised to the exclusion of other things. Relationships are hugely important - family, friends, community. Heath is important. Hobbies and interests are important. For some people, things like spirituality are important etc. It is simply that, for me, having a meaningful career is an important part of that important mix.

I agree about balance too which is a reason why I wouldn't be a SAHM and frankly, didn't enjoy maternity leave. Part of the balance for me which feels healthy includes working and contributing financially.

Wht didn't you enjoy maternity leave @SouthLondonMum22 (if you don't mind me asking)?

I actually loved my maternity leave - I enjoyed having that freedom and no real pressures other than looking after the baby. I was ready to go back to work by the end of it though.

I think the idea of a linear career are long gone anyway, and that if a job is indeed contributing to society it doesn't have to be a top-level job or anywhere near it. I don't understand why the choice to stay at home with your kids for a few years needs to be so laden with moral judgement and I don't think a few years out of the workforce makes all that much difference in the long run - certainly not to society or even your career (over the life of it) - but I do think having a primary carer at home does make a difference to the early development of a kid. I think that based not only on my feelings but things I've researched and read, but of course everyone does what they think best for their kids quite apart from whatever necessity dictates and you can find info to back up whatever your opinion. I will say that for every person on here who has a story of a miserable stay at home mum there's another who has the story of feeling neglected with two working parents and will have done things differently as a result of that.

It's always discussed as 'what is harder' as if harder equals worthwhile or as if any person's individual experience is the same as another. My current full time job is piss easy compared to being at home with two small kids. Doing both would be harder than I work now I'm sure but harder than I worked then? No way. Being a SAHP is absolutely relentless and in part because it is so ill-respected as a role. I don't think doing it makes me any more or less worthwhile than anyone else -- but I am certainly a worthwhile person who has contributed as much as the next person barring people like nobel prize winners and heads of state.

Without meaning to derail the thread - I'm alarmed by the PP who said they were a SAHP and had no pension. No criticism of your choices but I just wanted to say that at the very least you could be claiming NI credit via Child Benefit. You don't have to take the actual benefit if DH is earning over £50k but it does protect your NI contributions (this is part of the reason why I hate the changes that were made to the child benefit system). Personally, I would also expect DH to be making contributions to a private pension for me. There maybe better solutions for you but please don't leave yourself financially vulnerable.

I was bored out of my mind and missed the mental stimulation of work. I ended up going back to work at 3 months and I was so ready, I started to feel more like myself again and going back to what I said previously, the balance I needed was restored.

Fair enough @SouthLondonMum22. I found the maternity phase amazing, but then I'm very interested in emotional / personality development and psychology anyway as this was my area of study and work. Just shows all women are different.

I found it fascinating too, @drxyz.