AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden.

That attitude is insufferable when you are struggling. My DD didn't sleep more than two hours in a row for two years. I did all the night wakings for the first year or more. It wasn't a privilege and I wouldn't have spoken to you either if you couldn't support me.

Sometimes friendship is allowing a rant, however unreasonable the person is, not 'politely' reminding someone of their mistakes.

You are getting between a domestic argument. You're not there, in the house, with them. You don't know if he is actually being reasonable or if he treats her like a domestic slave where he gets to opt out of all family and domestic work. It doesn't matter what people say, many men are great at talking the talk.

As a friend, you should listen to your friend and sympathise if she's having a hard time. It's not for you to tell her off or tell her what an amazing man he is for being a doctor. Plenty of doctors are arseholes behind closed doors, just like everyone else. He's not a saint just because he's a GP.

Unless you or your children have serious health problems I think a SAHP has the easier option. You can plan your day, stay in/out, eat when you want to, not have to sit next to a difficult colleague, etc.

I read on here how people are exhausted after 'running around after toddlers' all day - that just doesn't happen!

So she's a best friend but you decided to berate her for her choices in life rather than concede that it's hard having a completely unsupportive partner who doesn't want to lift a finger at home during the week.

Can you honestly say you think you were 100% right to tell her off, rather then sympathise with how she feels? Having a supportive partner at home, like you had, is a world apart from having a partner who treats you like a maid service and refuses to do anything for you because it's 'not their job'.

She asked for your opinion, if she just wanted to vent then she needed to say so. YANBU for giving your opinion when asked.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend if she can't agree for you both to simply agree to disagree and move on.

Thank you, this is all very reasonable advice. I am sure that she will come back to me in a few days saying that she overreacted and she was just overwhelmed.

But I don’t think you can just walk away from a job, especially if it’s the only income keeping a roof over your family’s head. If he messes up, he puts both his family and his patients at risk. He needs to be mentally charged. And “the inability to fix certain things which just are awful for long periods of time“ - whenever I talk to her husband this is the main complaint he has about his job. don’t get me wrong, he loves it and he loves his patients. But he has patients with terminal diagnosis, people who have been on waiting lists for 2 years, people with severe mental health issues, people with chronic pain and many other things he simply has the inability to actually do anything about. All he can do is lend a helpful ear.

Personally me and my husband have “achieved financial freedom” so to speak. We worked hard in our 20’s to buy 3 houses and now live off the rental income. I know how immensely privileged we are and therefore I will never judge the experience who still goes to the office and does an honest day’s work.

That’s why I’m here, asking for people’s opinions. I’m willing to be told I’m wrong.

I’m not saying he’s a saint or an amazing man. I’m simply saying his job is hard. That’s an indisputable fact, regardless of what type of person he is.

YANBU
Your friend sounds very entitled, classic victim mentality. She is lucky that she is in the position to be able to choose not to go out to work. Many of us would love that luxury but partner's income won't allow. I'm not saying her husband should do nothing but she needs to get real and think outside her own little box. As you said, I think the ideal scenario is one where both parents can afford to go part time and then share childcare time equally. Also are her kids school age? Cause if so, that also makes a huge difference!

What a goady thread. I suggest you try to find common ground with her if you actually want to stay friends rather than just gather reinforcements online as to why you're right.

YANBU, I have also been a SAHP and a working full time parent. Working full time is far harder whatever people say.

This is a matter of opinion. Having also done both, SAHP was only easier once the kids were in full time school.

I agree with this. My DH is a full-time architect and I'm a SAHM to a 3YO and a 4MO. He works from home and knows full well that he has the easier job, for now.

Anyone that says being a working parent is the same as being a SAHM plus working 40 hours a week is not taking into consideration the fact that their DC are obviously being cared for while they work - caring for, feeding and entertaining your kids in the day is work. While it isn't mentally challenging, it is hard work. You're paying professionals to do that work.

I find it easier not to get into a battle with people over this stuff. I have a friend who has a husband who works long hours. Shes been a SAHM of 2 until very recently when her youngest turned 4 and now does 15 hours a week. You'd think she was working 70 hours and spends a lot of time moaning to me about it. She seems completely oblivious to me being a lone parent of 3 who works full time (12 hour days). I just make the right noises because she's my friend and has supported me through stuff in the past.

I didn't expect DH to do much when I was SAHP either, not because he'd refuse but because if I could get it done during his working hours, we could spend his time off enjoying family life, and I could, pretty easily TBH.

If a GP is being told his wife is struggling though, I'd expect him to arrange/suggest some paid help.

I see what you're saying: the DH's job is a vocation, he takes it seriously and feels the need to help his patients.

But, as a parent, his patients MUST come after his babies and his wife. He may not appreciate it but these are the people who sustain him now and in the future, not his patients (who have lives of their own). He wouldn't be able to do the job he's doing, the way he's doing it, and have a family that he seemingly wanted to have, if she weren't there to look after them. If she'd agreed to both working PT and both parenting PT, well then he wouldn't be the devoted GP he is. He'd be a part-time GP. Both are valid and good; but they're different. He can't have it both ways.

It's tough, especially in some jobs which are vocations. But ultimately you always know that as a qualified GP he will always be able to earn a living. He CAN walk away, in practical terms. It's only his professional pride and a guilt he puts upon himself that stops him from doing so. And that's really not the case for a SAHP. You literally cannot walk away because there's nobody else (absent grandparents etc). The other parent is out earning a living and literally cannot be at home at the same time to feed and soothe and nap and keep safe and nurture in a way that means they too might grow up one day to be a GP.

They're probably both going through the sort of adjustment people often go through when they have children: readjusting their priorities, their identities, what matters most etc. Two people doing that at the same time and in different directions can be very difficult!

Don't overcompensate for not working! She's not 100% wrong, your friend - just, like 95% 😄

OP, don't be so daft. Even if this happened (which I doubt), it's absolutely none of your business. Butt out. End of. You are way over-invested in your imaginary 'SAHM and GP' set up. Are you very bored today?

@AnitaLovesIndianFood How old are her children op , when mine were very small I was glad when DH came home just so he could hold them or entertain them for half an hour just to give me a minute but when they were a little older I got on with everything ok and I didn't find it that difficult that I thought my DH needed to do anything when he got home.

There will always be those who think being a sahp is harder than going to work. However if her dh is a gp that is pretty full on .maybe a cleaner for a couple of days may help ?

How old are the kids and how long has she been a SAHM for?

I was a SAHM for close to a decade and towards the end I found it TOUGH, even though 95% of the time I loved it.

In answer to your question, my DH barely lifted a finger when I was a SAHM. His dinner was on the table every evening when he walked in the door, the house was reasonably clean, washing/ironing done and put away. I just saw it as my job, on top of my main focus of looking after the kids.

I think she is being very unreasonable. But the fact she's fallen out with you over the fact you don't 100% agree with her, tells me all I need to know about her.

Edited: although having said that, my DH worked standard 35 hours a week and absolutely stuck to it as well, so I wasn't on my own with the kids as long as your friend is.

There are so many factors here that I'm not sure comparisons are meaningful. I'd try instead to look at what it is everyone is actually trying to convey- they're exhausted and struggling. I suspect your friend really just wanted sympathy rather than someone getting involved in her disagreement with her husband.

In your shoes, I would apologise and be sympathetic. You don't need to take a position on who is working harder because it's not really about that.

Yeah. Being a SAHM is harder for some than others. I find it very difficult at times. It depends on your kids, the job in question, your personality and circumstances....

I wouldn't demand agreement if I was OP cos what's the point, but I would probably let the friendship slide because her attitude sucks. She's also very convinced she's right because she's "done both." In her own life and circumstances...

The husband should help when he's home, he lives there. I don't agree with some of what the friend said, but she's right, OP, in that you are disrespectful.

Oops, meant I wouldn't demand agreement if I was OP's FRIEND.

Well I disagree, whatever people say.
Conversation with you seems like a bit of a dead end.

Nope. I enjoyed my maternity leave. Many moons ago. Worked part time when ds's in primary. Now I've upped my hours as ds's are older, one at uni. But you can't argue that it's the same as a FT position. 60 hours of being a GP. ODFOD. That would be hard work. You'd need to come home to dc, clean house, dinner. Yes you can bath, read a bedtime story. Do diy at the weekends. Hoovering and cleaning at the weekends. But comparable? Oh purlease.