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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 26/02/2024 14:31

It’s totally fine to prioritise money and holiday entitlement for your family… YANBU

Dotdashdottinghell · 26/02/2024 14:32

That sort of thing is probably fun in your early 20s, but once there's a family to consider it's just very self indulgent to think people will want to give a weeks leave and a load of money to go on your hen do. Absolutely fine to stay no.

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 26/02/2024 14:33

I think lots of people would envy your ability to be completely honest and polite and do what is right for you.
I have committed myself to so many things like this I couldn't afford and dreaded going.
Good for you - you have explained yourself and I don't think you have to think about it any further
.

PeggySooo · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's fine to not want to go. I think people who expect others to go away and drop all their plans for a week to celebrate their wedding must have huge egos. Or be so rich that they've totally lost touch with reality.

Original poster
TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's not about the money in the sense that I couldn't afford it, or that it would mean I couldn't go away with DH and DC another time. But I just don't want to go. It's not something I enjoy the idea of. So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend?

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 26/02/2024 14:34

Dotdashdottinghell · 26/02/2024 14:32

That sort of thing is probably fun in your early 20s, but once there's a family to consider it's just very self indulgent to think people will want to give a weeks leave and a load of money to go on your hen do. Absolutely fine to stay no.

Nailed it.

Original poster
TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:35

Thank you. Feel more assured then in my response.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 26/02/2024 14:35

It's obviously OK to say no. There's as many parents who would love the opportunity to have a week away.

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 26/02/2024 14:35

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's not about the money in the sense that I couldn't afford it, or that it would mean I couldn't go away with DH and DC another time. But I just don't want to go. It's not something I enjoy the idea of. So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend?

Yes if it was something really personal like she had asked you to go with her to scatter a parent's ashes because she needed support, but a hen event should always be optional.

Original poster
TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:36

PeggySooo · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's fine to not want to go. I think people who expect others to go away and drop all their plans for a week to celebrate their wedding must have huge egos. Or be so rich that they've totally lost touch with reality.

Admittedly I do also think this too. I have had friends wanting to do the same for their birthdays as well. It's all just a bit much imo.

OP posts:
DistingusedSocialCommentator · 26/02/2024 14:37

You are doing the decent thing and being honest - I'm sure they understand

At times, some FM on another thread said, they often don't want to go but once there it was ok/nice/enjoyed

I'm a bit like that don't want to go and don't - even close family, any set event, I find it hard but a none set event is fine for me

mindutopia · 26/02/2024 14:39

That would literally be my worst nightmare. Yes, I did go travelling and on holiday with friends in my 20s - even in my early 30s. But no, even if I had all the time and money in the world, I would not go on a group holiday with friends. BIL and his partner gatecrashed our family holiday 2 years ago and I had to spend the whole bloody holiday with them and even that nearly broke me. If I have time away, I want to spend it doing things I enjoy and with people I've chosen to be with. I wouldn't touch that with a stick.

DinnaeFashYersel · 26/02/2024 14:42

YANBU

And in fact the person doing the pressuring is the one is BU

Personally I completely agree with you and the thought of one of these trips makes me shudder.

What happened to a nice meal and a night on the town?

Original poster
TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:43

Yes the planner is quite miffed at me!

OP posts:
Karatema · 26/02/2024 14:45

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:43

Yes the planner is quite miffed at me!

Probably because they'd cost it including you but now they've got to tell everyone it's dearer! That's not your problem.

Lassiata · 26/02/2024 14:46

I wouldn't go. A week is a lot.

Goldieremson · 26/02/2024 14:56

I wouldnt go either but I wouldn't feel bad about it, thank U for the invitation, I'm not going to come because I don't like leaving the kids but I hope you have the best time an I can't wait to hear all about it :)

TraitorsArdross · 26/02/2024 15:17

The person planning is usually close to the bride and sometimes can’t see that they would do this for her because she’s their sister/best friend, but others aren’t as close (this is MN wisdom from old posts but I’m sure it’s the cause of most hen do issues).
YNBU but you've made the mistake of being honest I think, lots of people would have said it was due to money or annual leave.

Jasmin1971 · 26/02/2024 15:18

I wouldn't even have to think before saying no.

People are just so entitled when it comes to these over inflated events these days. YANBU.

Original poster
TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 15:20

Oh there is an important bit of info I left out of the OP that I hadn't realised I'd missed. I am a bridesmaid at said friends wedding. HOWEVER, personally I don't think this really changes anything at all in terms of my thoughts on the matter or what I should and shouldn't feel obligated to do.

When I agreed to be a bridesmaid there was no mention of this being a thing. MOH is the planner and is quite a pushy person in general.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 26/02/2024 15:20

Who on earth has a week long stag or hen do?! A couple of nights at a push.

Revelatio · 26/02/2024 15:20

You’re not required to go though, so it’s hardly a requirement of friendship. Just say you don’t want to go, I doubt anyone will care. I’m sure you can understand that this will appeal to some people just as much as it doesn’t appeal to you.

Herdinggoats · 26/02/2024 15:21

Absolutely fine. As you say if they had asked for an evening or a day you would have happily done it- they have done a massive ask. You’ll probably find irritation stems from
the fact even the organiser thinks it is a pain in the arse and you’re the only one brave enough to say it

readingmakesmehappy · 26/02/2024 15:21

A whole week?!?? No way I would use that much of my holiday entitlement on a hen do when cobbling together childcare for school holidays is already the biggest ballache in the world.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew