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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
Harls1969 · 28/02/2024 18:34

Also 'I hope you have a lovely time, but I won't be attending' should be enough

webs1991 · 28/02/2024 18:35

I clicked you are being unreasonable and I’m shocked that it was so low really - to not even go for a couple nights to support your friend is a bit miserable and as for you don’t enjoy that type of thing that’s fine but it’s not really for you it’s for your friend so I feel like there’s an expectation there to support even if it wasn’t your thing. I did go to a long weekend hen for 3 nights in Manchester at the time my baby was 1 I stayed the full time 2 others left one day early for different reasons one was childcare another one had something else on but still showed up for friend and it was nice to have a break too. As you have said it is a good friend you have known for many years that’s the bit I feel like makes you seem unreasonable in your choice not to go because just from my own perspective I did decline a similar hen situation but I only knew the bride and this wasn’t well at all (literally only met a handful of times as both new mums and connected on peanut app) and didn’t know anyone else so did feel like I’d not be missed kind of thing but I feel like for a very close friend I’d want to support them. I think I’d be confused if someone declined my hen but then wanted to do something on their terms which I feel is what you are doing and it feels a bit entitled sorry!

StarlightLime · 28/02/2024 18:37

Op is going to the wedding, @webs1991 😂
That's quite enough support for anyone.

xyz111 · 28/02/2024 18:39

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's not about the money in the sense that I couldn't afford it, or that it would mean I couldn't go away with DH and DC another time. But I just don't want to go. It's not something I enjoy the idea of. So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend?

Sometimes, but not something big like a weeks holiday.

changedagain67543 · 28/02/2024 18:42

Well done OP.

I’m learning to have boundaries and express what I actually don’t want to do and it’s wonderful. I’m learning to say “no thanks” even if it disappoints people. Instead of making their disappointment my problem, I accept it as something they feel and move on. Sounds like you are doing the same and I applaud you.

Amara123 · 28/02/2024 19:05

There's a reason it was always called a "hen night" not a "hen week".

I think these things are self indulgent. As well as putting guests through the expense of a wedding, there's also a holiday too?

Most people have limited annual leave and a week off is a fairly huge % of that, along with any days off for the wedding. That's the aspect that bothers me most.

DollyDinah · 28/02/2024 19:06

Expecting people to go away for a week with the time and money involved is rather self-indulgent. You should absolutely feel free to decline.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 28/02/2024 19:16

I'd rather eat hot coals than be in a room with more than three people so obviously, I think not going is entirely reasonable. Looking at it from the other side, I would imagine that if this was my idea of a great time, and knew someone I had invited felt otherwise, I would accept that they didn't want to come and go ahead and have a nice time regardless.

I mean, some people enjoy sky-diving, but they don't strop when others refuse to fling themselves out of planes to celebrate their special occasion.

(But I also think people who have lavish weddings abroad and expect their nearest and dearest to fork out £££ to worship the happy couple are arseholes of the highest order so I guess I'm weird)

Wexone · 28/02/2024 19:18

StarlightLime · 28/02/2024 18:37

Op is going to the wedding, @webs1991 😂
That's quite enough support for anyone.

she is going as she is bridesmaid. I think if she a good a friend to be asked to be bridesmaid and has been close friends for a long time she should try and go for a day or 2.

LeilaDarling · 28/02/2024 19:42

I would have no issues saying no and I would hate anything along these lines.

GenevièveSapha · 28/02/2024 19:43

100% agree with you... 💕

OShoey · 28/02/2024 19:45

On the contrary, I think it's really unreasonable for people to have the expectation of a week of someone else's time and the money it takes to do this kind of holiday.

Can we all just dial things down again and have an evening in the pub or a meal out to celebrate occasions and let that be it? Expectations have got way outta control.

LouHey · 28/02/2024 19:46

NBU. I was bridesmaid and didn't go to a weekend hen do (too much time away from home without my family and I'd be homesick the entire time). My best friend completely understood and a small group of us went for a spa day when she got home (including those who missed the weekend hen do for whatever reason).

A week?! Why? That's unreasonable.

Rebeldiamond1 · 28/02/2024 19:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

But she doesnt want to and that should be that. Why push yourself to do something you just dont want to do regardless of whether you "might enjoy it".

Victoria3010 · 28/02/2024 19:59

Well done you for being so straightforward and honest. I wouldn't fancy it either and normally dread hen do type activities and holidays, I feel like they've all become a massively long and extravagant affair and I can't really be bothered. But, in answer to your question, on some level i probably do feel you should do things you don't want.to for a friend because i feel guilty saying no. Logically i dont know why, but i just feel the guilt. I said no to a long weekend for a hen because I'd started a new job the same weekend that included saturday and sunday mornings, and sadly already had a holiday booked for her wedding date (I felt both were reasonable excuses, the holiday was a longish flight away and all paid for, i otherwise would've gone, I'd already agreed a start date for the job plus i also didnt fancy the hen and it was extortionate), she stopped speaking to me for a year
I wasn't in the wedding party, but she felt I should've sacrificed those things to attend her event if I was her friend. Possibly the event planner is this type of person!

Jumpers4goalposts · 28/02/2024 21:30

I don’t think YABU, however I do think it will probably change your friendship going forward.

Teenagehorrorbag · 28/02/2024 21:57

No chance in hell would I go. As you say - if I have a week away I want to be with my kids and my DH. If the stag/hen do invite us all then fine.....😁! I'd have loved it when I was single, and maybe later when my DCs have moved away, but right now - no!

Everything seems to be getting OTT these days. My hen do was a weekend away and a trip to the races - so an afternoon/evening and one night in a hotel. That was pre-kids but friends with children mostly made it, I think....

But unless you and your peers are all very well off, a week away seems a huge ask, even without the children/family issues. I'm afraid they may be disappointed. But stick to your guns, YANBU!

PloddingAlong21 · 28/02/2024 22:28

What is the plan? Can you attend just
one day/night?

LilacMcMiaow · 28/02/2024 22:44

Would your friend genuinely want you to spend a week doing something you really don’t want to do? If the wedding couple can understand and accept your decision then the MOH/planners opinion does not matter.
Would it be an option to sort your own flights and to go for a few days (3 nights or whatever would be best for you)? You’d get to spend time with the party but you’re not stuck there for a whole week.

Frangipanyoul8r · 28/02/2024 23:23

In advance I never fancy doing anything social now I’m a tired parent. But once I’m there I usually enjoy it. I couldn’t do a whole week though, that sounds really intense.

Rollinroller · 29/02/2024 00:59

A whole week away is too big an ask for a hen /stab imo, 2 nights away and though I hate travelling with other people I would probably make myself go. But a week is way too much.

Champers66 · 29/02/2024 06:36

You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. If you don’t want to go you are not obligated to. And don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. I hate people who try and force things on others just because they ‘think’ it’s something you should do.

GirlsAndPenguins · 29/02/2024 08:18

I voted YANBU.
I think a week hen is beyond excessive. That’s a week of annual leave from work, childcare and the money!
Having said that I think that you being a bridesmaid is key to this story. I think this should have been discussed with the bridesmaids before being planned. I do think as a bridesmaid you have to go to the hen do. If not don’t be a bridesmaid

benid · 29/02/2024 13:06

buzzlightyearsaway · 28/02/2024 17:47

Well done for being honest and not giving a silly excuse that isnt true

I would have loved this in my 20s but not now i have a family and other ties

Exactly! "No thanks, not my cup of tea" is a totally reasonable response and my life has improved beyond measure since I realised that!

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 29/02/2024 13:59

GirlsAndPenguins · 29/02/2024 08:18

I voted YANBU.
I think a week hen is beyond excessive. That’s a week of annual leave from work, childcare and the money!
Having said that I think that you being a bridesmaid is key to this story. I think this should have been discussed with the bridesmaids before being planned. I do think as a bridesmaid you have to go to the hen do. If not don’t be a bridesmaid

Completely disagree, this is all on whoever organised the hen do and not the bridesmaids responsibility at all.