To not go? Would this annoy you?

[TurnOfTheBrew]

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

It's quite normal for all bridemaids to be in discussion of what to do for hen party etc. why didn't op express her concerns then ? before it was all agreede and set in stone

I don’t know because I’m not the OP, but you’re absolutely right they should have been involved in the planning. Don’t know if they were or the plans were just announced

Because it never happens that one person's feelings are run roughshod over...

I voted YANBU. A good friend will get it. My friend had a big hen do which I couldn't afford so I didn't go; she had a dinner with those of us who couldn't make it. Simples.

One of the best hen dos ever was my friend's pyjama party... We all stayed in a house, did our nails and ate food in our pyjamas. Easy and what it should be all about.

Disagree it she said its not my cup of tea which is quiet direct to tje planner so she is coming across as a person well able to speak her mind. I actually think there is more to this story than she saying. Everyone has different ideas of what consists a good night -a pyjama party is not "my cup of tea" either - she should have spoken up earlier

Of course you don't have to go and you don't have to make any pretence about it either.

I might try to go for a few days tbh, the weekend or whatever. Just because I like things like that but I wouldn't do a week. Excessive. Kids or not I like to use my leave how I like. And I wouldn't do a week away with out my kids as my own preference.

Nah I’ve declined in the past like this. Why lie?

People need to be mature enough to get the fact that not everyone wants to do the same things they do. Why baby them?

It's not my cup of tea is fine. It’s much better than the real answer which is ‘it sounds like the sort of thing I’d hate and I’d rather put pins in my eyes than do it’.

If someone says it’s not my cup of tea that’s a polite way of saying ‘we’re beyond me being able to tolerate this for a friend’. For example; I’ll go for a girls night out even though I don’t particularly enjoy them, just to be sociable, but a bottomless brunch or psychic night with the girls is ‘not my cup of tea’ because I hate the very idea of it and just won’t put myself through that.

Exactly this! I hate it when people lie to get out of things. It really makes me disrespect them, as it’s usually a really obvious lie.

What a weird (and judgemental) attitude. Being your own person and spending time with your friends is not dumping your kids or family 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think as a bridesmaid yes your expected to attend the Hen party. I wouldn't completely rule out going but compromise and maybe attend for a couple of nights. I understand you don't like the idea of it but thsts just it it's an idea which you haven't actually tried. If I was the bride I would be a bit upset that someone I felt close enough to, to have as my bridesmaid just straight up said no and didn't make any effort at all to compromise.

If bridesmaids are expected to attend I would hope that they would have been consulted at the planning stage rather than have it presented as a fait accompli, don't you think?

It's a big ask to expect someone to give up a week of AL and pay £££ for the privilege.

The tradition of the chief bridesmaid organising it as a fair accompli was probably all well and good when it was just a night out with local friends. You can't just do this when it's a whole expensive week and travel and just assume everyone will fall in line.

Not quite sure what your point is on this one about who likes what, but my point was a general one. As you say, everyone's idea of a good night out is different but a week's holiday is quite extravagant, lovely though it would be.

I'm not sure when this trip was planned but if the OP backed out after all arrangements were made that's poor form as everyone else will have to pay extra. It doesn't sound like this was the case though. Nor that it's something she can just do for a weekend. But the bride matters more than the maid of honour as she's the friend.

For a WEEK?! And on a hen do you don't even want to go to?!

There are plenty of threads on here in which women slag off men for selfishly going away on golfing trips and long, foreign stag-do's.

It works both ways.

And a perfectly valid reason! I don't fancy it!

Well done for not indulging the bride etc!

This

I'm in two minds. One is if you don't want to go, you shouldn't. The other is, it's nice to make an effort for people you care about. It's very sad when people organise things to celebrate something and no one can be bothered to turn up.

💯

@Nofilteritwonthelp that's reasonable when it's a local evening do, that will involve minimal logistical manoeuvres and financial outlay on behalf of those attending. When it involves holidays away, that argument no longer holds. If a bride really mainly cared about getting together with people to celebrate an important event, they'd organise an evening out that's local to most people attending. One Hen do I went on was simply a gathering at one of the hen's houses. It was great fun, and very considerate of everyone's budgets and time constraints. Anything else is just self indulgence, especially if you get the hump when people don't go.

I think it's more entitled to ask other people to spend their hard-earned money and limited holiday time (when they have their own time/financial commitments) on 'me me me' over-the-top extravaganzas. And I would 1001% advise ANYONE to not go into debt for someone else's party or 'special day'.

Decent friends get that and don't put their friends and loved ones in that position in the first place.

Yes, love, even for a week. Why not?

If you show me where this mum gets plenty of time away from their kids and is constantly dumping on her partner, you might have a point. However, I don't see any evidence of that. Plus dads are also most welcome to well earned breaks from their children too.

I agree with this, but at the end of the day you can't make people care or want to do something that they don't want to. The OP is free to go or not go without pressure and her friend is free to think of that how she likes too. And we can all think how we like about the whole thing. It's the great freedom we have. But, yes, I agree - personally I would try everything I could to be there at a good friend's hen do, even of it was something I didn't massively fancy doing.

My mother in law is a great "no thanks, not my thing" with no more explanation kind of person. It probably makes her very happy. It does leave us feeling like she doesn't massively care about us though sometimes 😅

We're allowed to disagree, you know!

I wouldn't want a week away from my family, especially not a 'well earned break' with friends, or for a hen do or whatever. I'm glad DP has never wanted to swan off with the lads for a week, either.

That's what our twenties were for.

Why would OP need 'plenty of time away' from her kids?

Of course we're allowed to disagree, but only one of us was judging.

Sheesh, though, "swanning off"? I'd like to think my life didn't stop being my own in my 20s and I had plenty of fun things to look forward to as my own person or with my friends as I get older.