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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 28/02/2024 06:38

It's more the sort of thing for a group to decide together, "let's go on a week's break" and then work out the details amongst themselves. One person planning it and then expecting others to fall in line is a big ask for a whole week.

FrustatedAgain · 28/02/2024 06:39

A week long hen do?! No I absolutely couldn’t go even if I was a bridesmaid. My annual
leave is precious and required for the family.
A long weekend maybe, but really no
more than that is a reasonable ask.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 28/02/2024 06:53

I genuinely can’t think of anything worse (in terms of activities to do) than go away for a week ‘with the girls’. I don’t particularly enjoy any ‘girls only’ events but will tolerate them for friends and I have been on a night away for joint birthdays but it was really boring. A week really is an unreasonable ask. (To be fair anything more than one night without overseas travel is an unreasonable ask).

OP YANBU

RampantIvy · 28/02/2024 06:54

If only more invitees to these ridiculous hen dos were like the OP it might stop organisers of these OTT shenanigans from organising them.

Zanatdy · 28/02/2024 06:56

Yeah a week is a long time to fake enjoy. A weekend maybe but it’s a lot to expect someone to give a week, as often women going away means arranging alternative childcare etc. She’s unreasonable to have a go at you for saying no

WhatNoRaisins · 28/02/2024 06:59

Also my time away from being a wife and mum is really precious to me, I wouldn't want to waste a week of it on something I wouldn't enjoy.

Ariona · 28/02/2024 07:02

Yanbu, I'm the same. That's something I would have done in my 20's and without kids. I'm way passed that now and I don't even feel guilty about that. I wouldn't leave my dh and kids behind unless for a very, very good reason and a hen do isn't one of them.

BendingSpoons · 28/02/2024 07:03

2 nights over a weekend - I would probably go even if not super keen
A week - no way! That is a week of annual leave, DH having to juggle all drop-offs pick ups so affecting his work or loads of favours from grandparents, kids missing me (never been away more than 2 days).

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2024 07:08

I think you say firmly ‘I would be miserable spending a week away from my children, and I can’t see how that would make the bride have a better time!’

Inthebathagain · 28/02/2024 07:23

I didn't go to my sister's hen for this very reason.

She understood I wasn't willing or able to spend £600 for 4 nights in Dublin away from my toddler and baby, shacked up with 7 strangers watching them get pissed and loaded.

That was 15 years ago. It didn't put anything in the way of our relationship.

It's ok to say no if you don't want to go.

Lillers · 28/02/2024 07:28

You’re being completely reasonable, OP.

As someone else said earlier, I bet that you’re not the only one who has declined. Your reason has probably annoyed the organiser because she knows deep down that it’s probably the real reason why others have declined as well.

If you had offered an excuse, that leaves the door open for someone pushy to try to make suggestions to “fix” the problem stopping you from going, and then it just draws it out and results either in you ending up feeling like you have to go because you can’t think of more reasons to keep saying no, or in a really awkward encounter where you eventually reveal the truth that you just don’t want to.

Being honest and saying, “nope, not for me” is impossible for someone to argue against, and that’s probably one of the reasons why the organiser is annoyed.

What I don’t understand though is that if you are a bridesmaid, why the MOH didn’t seek your input at an earlier stage, when you might have been able to suggest something more palatable for everyone. That’s not on you, more just a general wondering - every hen do I’ve been involved in has had one person taking the lead, but always running ideas by the bridesmaids before committing.

Tumbleweed101 · 28/02/2024 07:32

I went away for a hen weekend with my friend (bride) and the other bridesmaid - I'd not met her so it was a chance to do so before the big day. But I dislike going to anything in groups of more than four people so I would probably not go to a week away with lots of people. Everyone ends up splitting off into smaller groups anyway and the bride (in an example like this) will just be splitting her time with everyone so If she's the person you know best it can get a bit awkward.

PerfectTravelTote · 28/02/2024 07:42

Totally fine not to go but you could have made a gentler excuse rather than being so blunt.

Clafoutie · 28/02/2024 07:43

Fitzbillie · 26/02/2024 17:05

If you actually gave “it’s not my cup of tea” as the reason and nothing else, it’s a bit tactless. It does come across as I don’t like you enough to put myself out and do something that isn’t ostensibly unpleasant.

It sounds like the very good reasons you don’t want to go are: 1. you don’t want to be away from your DC for a week; 2. you can’t justify the expense (particularly for something you won’t really enjoy); 3. you don’t feel comfortable staying with people you don’t know well. Those are all good reasons and most people would understand them and empathise. Yet, it seems like you didn’t tell the organiser those reasons. “Not my cup of tea” sounds like you can’t be bothered.

I think their reaction would have been different if you had been more explicit in your reasons. Maybe I wouldn’t have mentioned the bit about not being able to justify the expense on something you don’t like… 😂 I would have left it as not being able to afford it right now.

Maybe I wouldn’t have mentioned the bit about not being able to justify the expense on something you don’t like… 😂 I would have left it as not being able to afford it right now.

But at least this is honest of the OP. ( they have mentioned in a subsequent post they can afford it)

sleekcat · 28/02/2024 07:54

I wouldn't go. Personally I think it's rude and very presumptuous to expect people to cough up that amount of money for your event. Not to mention using a whole week of annual leave. Lots of people can't afford multiple holidays per year and value time away with partners/family.

MikeRafone · 28/02/2024 07:58

Good for you to decide what you want to do. As you say going to for an evening is very different from going away on holiday with a group of strangers that you don't know.

Ive politely declined holiday hen doos and said if you are having a night in the pub before the wedding id love to come, but I don't have the resources to be away for a few days.

PieAndLattes · 28/02/2024 08:02

No chance. Annual leave is too precious to spend so much of it going away with lots of people I don’t know that well. I’d hate that. Apart from my family the only people I’d spend that amount of time up close and personal with are the 5 best friends I’ve had since my school days 40 years ago. We go away for a long weekend every year and even then I think we’re all glad to be going home by the end of it.

WimpoleHat · 28/02/2024 08:04

These things have got absolutely ridiculous. If it were a few drinks and a meal, you’d leave the kids with your DH and spend £100 or so to wish the bride well and give her an evening with all of her friends present. But a week away with total strangers? No way. Leaving your kids and your DH to fly solo? That has a big impact on everyone else - I’d pass on things I really wanted to do to avoid that, so no way would I be suckered into doing it for something I didn’t. You don’t want to go and you have responsibilities which mean that you are unable to. End of.

Collywobblewobbles · 28/02/2024 08:06

Yanbu but your reply, though totally justified, was a bit bald.

'I'm sorry but I can't go due to blah blah blah' would have been polite & avoided giving offence rather than 'its not my cup of tea so I dont to'.

I think it was the "its not my cup of tea" which caused offense, for the sake of your friendship, claim it was a poor choice of phrase & want you meant is that you can't because it's impossible to leave your family for a week & it's unaffordable & apologise for causing offence.

Hopefully that will smooth things over.

BreakingAndBroke · 28/02/2024 08:09

If I'm spending hundreds of pounds on a holiday, I want to choose who I'm spending my time with. I don't have enough annual leave to cover the school holidays as it is, let alone blowing a week on a holiday with strangers.

Zyq · 28/02/2024 08:11

It's ridiculous to expect people to use up such a big proportion of their holiday entitlement and to spend so much on a hen do. What do they imagine you would do if you had three or four friends who decide to get married in the same year? And having a joint hen and stag do negates the whole point of it. If you opt for an event like that, you have to plan on the basis that many of your potential guests won't be able to go.

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2024 08:15

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's not about the money in the sense that I couldn't afford it, or that it would mean I couldn't go away with DH and DC another time. But I just don't want to go. It's not something I enjoy the idea of. So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend?

I have been married twice and attended many weddings. I have never had a hen do. I have also never attended a hen do. When I was young they were much less of a thing in my social group so it was easy to say no. These days they have turned into events of ridiculous cost and expectation. I have great respect that you said no because you simply don't want to go. I was invited to go on a week's hen to Prague by the sister of a friend. It was half term so handily I was going away with my family. I would only have known the bride and the others drank far more than I did at the wedding so ,had I gone, it woukd have been £1,000 and 6 days of absolute misery.

BardRelic · 28/02/2024 08:16

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:43

Yes the planner is quite miffed at me!

Probably because you're saying what everybody else wants to but feels they can't. Now you've said it, she's afraid others will follow suit.

I don't get the trend for elaborate hen and stag do's that oblige people to spend several days away and hundreds of pounds. Just have a nice meal out together and if you're up for it, go to a nightclub. Job done.

FaceMaker · 28/02/2024 08:32

I wouldn't want to do it either. I never join my friends on girls weekends - just not my thing.

But not going to a significant event like a hen will likely affect your relationship with your friend.

I don't think you should go if you don't want to - BUT if it's not a problem in terms of leave, money or childcare to go, you could just get outside your comfort zone and go - and I bet you would probably enjoy it more than you think.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 28/02/2024 08:35

Well done for being honest and saying this early!

Wonder how many other people going wish they'd had the bollocks to decline.

Let's hope others don't start changing their minds though rather than to have declined straight away 😬

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