Page 5 | To not go? Would this annoy you?

chrisfromcardiff · 27/02/2024 16:11

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

Just for grins, it would be interesting to know if all of the other invitees said yes. I bet you are not the only person who would not want to do this. Even though you are concerned about how your "no" reply is going over, I bet deep down you feel an immense relief that you are not going. I know I would be very pleased with myself that I didn't cave and say yes when I really didn't want to do it. Good for you!!!

Yorkiepud2614 · 27/02/2024 16:12

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 15:57

Who wants friends like these?

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Absolutely not me!
this is coming from my partner. I even made a thread about the insanity of how he was treated when he couldn’t (work commitment) make it to his friends stag (Ibiza, his idea of hell). None of his friends will speak to him now.

nononocontact · 27/02/2024 16:13

I was with you until you said you’re a bridesmaid!

I don’t see why you can’t join for a night or two to show your friend you give a shit?

Fair enough it isn’t your cup of tea, but I think attending for part of it shows willing without putting you out.

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 16:14

Yorkiepud2614 · 27/02/2024 16:12

Absolutely not me!
this is coming from my partner. I even made a thread about the insanity of how he was treated when he couldn’t (work commitment) make it to his friends stag (Ibiza, his idea of hell). None of his friends will speak to him now.

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I'm sure his life will improve immeasurably without these numbnuts in it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2024 16:19

Why don’t you just join them for a night or two op?
@TurnOfTheBrew

ClumsyNinja · 27/02/2024 16:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2024 16:19

Why don’t you just join them for a night or two op?
@TurnOfTheBrew

Has OP said where this ‘holiday’ is taking place? It might be unrealistic to turn up just for a night or two?

Also, why the need to sugar coat the refusal? “Not my cup of tea” is perfectly polite and accurate.

No-one is entitled to spend my time or my money so I’d be happy to tell them to feck off if they tried to manipulate me after I’d clearly said no.

Some folk are cheeky fuckers. 🤷🏻‍♀️

LoobyDop · 27/02/2024 16:36

Did you actually say “not my cup of tea”? If so, I can understand why people are offended- it’s a pretty dismissive way of declining. It might have been more diplomatic to make an excuse about not being able to get the time off work, or childcare, or cost or something. You can’t really expect them not to be upset when you’ve basically said their wedding sounds shit.

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 16:37

LoobyDop · 27/02/2024 16:36

Did you actually say “not my cup of tea”? If so, I can understand why people are offended- it’s a pretty dismissive way of declining. It might have been more diplomatic to make an excuse about not being able to get the time off work, or childcare, or cost or something. You can’t really expect them not to be upset when you’ve basically said their wedding sounds shit.

She's said nothing of the sort, don't be daft. It's a week's holiday before the wedding.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 27/02/2024 16:39

Hell would freeze over before I'd use a whole week of annual leave for a hen/stag do with strangers. Annual leave is precious - I choose what I do with it, where I go and who with.

Thedance · 27/02/2024 16:44

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

Why should she go if she doesn't want to. Some people might enjoy this sort of thing. Many won't and OP doesn't want to go. There is nothing wrong in saying no thank you.

HanaJane · 27/02/2024 16:54

Do don't feel bad, you're not obliged to go. If it was literally one night out I would say grin and bear it but a whole holiday is excessive. Even if you can afford it what about the time away, it would be a headache for me to arrange childcare for a week and sacrifice work holidays that I then couldn't take when the kids are off school. I think hen dos have got insane since I got married 15 years ago! I just had an afternoon tea and night out with people picking and choosing who bits they wanted to come to and if they were staying over, people's lives don't just stop to revolve around someone else's wedding!

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 27/02/2024 17:07

Yes, I'd happily do a night, or even a weekend, of activities that I wasnt really into to for a close friend. But a week is above and beyond the call of duty. It's not a reasonable request for the MOH to make, and you won't be the only one who isn't up for it.

To all those PP's saying the OP should go to get a break from her DH etc - I get plenty of breaks from my DH, but I do it in a way that I choose! I choose the dates, I choose how long, and I choose where I want to go. A forced holiday to a place you didn't choose, with people you don't know, is not rhe same thing.

Flowersandforests · 27/02/2024 17:18

As you’re a bridesmaid, I think the way you said no is really important here - if you did say it wasn’t your thing then I can see why the others are a bit annoyed as it’s usually a given that the bridesmaids will attend (albeit a week is a big ask). A little white lie I think would have been better

Can you go for a bit ? Or arrange something separate with the bride ? Otherwise it does look like you don’t care about the bride

Fitzbillie · 27/02/2024 17:18

TorroFerney · 27/02/2024 14:22

Rubbish - it's honest, she's not saying it's not my cup of tea because you are all awful/beneath me. You are inferring / seeing judgment when there is none.

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That’s exactly my point. If you just say “that’s not my cup of tea” people may well infer possibly offensive things eg you don’t like the people going, the 3 star hotel they booked isn’t good enough for you, the destination they chose isn’t nice enough for you, you think the activities the organiser has planned are tacky… They may assume you have been non specific because the reason is offensive so you don’t want to tell them.

I doubt the organiser would have been so annoyed if OP had said what she has written:

I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 27/02/2024 17:24

Because it is so blindingly obvious that a week's holiday is a HUGE ask, the OP shouldn't have to explain or justify why she doesn't want to go.

"Not my cup of tea" is perfectly fine and polite when the request itself is so demanding and entitled.

If she was refusing to do a night out, then yes, she'd probably owe the bride/MOH a polite and tactful explanation. But a week? No.

Icantbedoingwithit · 27/02/2024 17:53

No, not my bag either. I don’t blame you.

whynotwhatknot · 27/02/2024 19:34

a week for a hen? people hhave lost their minds

Throwaway1234567890000000 · 27/02/2024 19:53

There’s not a cat in hell’s chance I would go, for the same reasons as you. I don’t want to.

And historically women have been long put into positions they don’t want to be in because they don’t want to upset anyone, cause a fall out, stand out etc.

No thank you, I don’t want to is a complete and valid reason.

Pinkfrlls · 28/02/2024 05:04

How I long for the simple days of the 1990s and earlier. I had a lovely traditional wedding. We didn't write our own cringe worthy vows. I had one bridesmaid who was my husband's sister. Admittedly, I had a couture dress and the men were in morning suits (hired). But there wasn't any distinction between invitations as guests were invited both to the service and the sit down dinner afterwards. We printed out our own wedding invitations. We had a string quartet. If people really pushed we had a gift list with a wide range of prices - not just expensive designer stuff. Guests weren't kept waiting for hours for photographs to be taken. Hen nights weren't a thing. My husband hastily declined his brother's offer to organise a stag night recalling the frightful state his brother had been in at his wedding. The idea that we should all decamp overseas wasn't even a consideration.

user1492757084 · 28/02/2024 05:23

You are being fair.

Could you just go up for one night or one day?

You might enjoy the time away and also support your friend.

Your children are a big enough excuse though and I would not want to leave them for days.

MartinasNotMadYet · 28/02/2024 05:27

"Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them?"

Secret to life(and business) is yes and no.
Whatever reason you choose to give after you say no is irrelevant so long as you say no. If they ask why or why not, then you don't have a friend, you have a bully. That's a toxic person. They were not asking you. They were commanding you.
You don't need to be aggressive or rude, but understand the power of no.

WandaWonder · 28/02/2024 05:29

I would polietley decline I would say, people only have so much annual leave and/or opputunities for holidays

Sure it is a great idea for people who genuinley want ot have this type of holiday

WandaWonder · 28/02/2024 05:33

And added there is no way I would organise any event at all where people have to go away and use annual leave or pay a lot

mumbarrister · 28/02/2024 05:39

WandaWonder · 28/02/2024 05:33

And added there is no way I would organise any event at all where people have to go away and use annual leave or pay a lot

It's so presumptuous and aggressive isn't it. Everyone must drop what they are doing, scupper their own plans with their own family with their hard-earned leave time, and kowtow to this diva. No thanks.

Beautiful3 · 28/02/2024 06:33

I went to one of these in my 20s. Didn't particularly enjoy it. I wouldn't ever go to another one again.