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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
Soonenough · 26/02/2024 19:19

@Chitterlina 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣 . Did many women go to it ??

Pinkyhere · 26/02/2024 19:38

Karatema · 26/02/2024 14:45

Probably because they'd cost it including you but now they've got to tell everyone it's dearer! That's not your problem.

Show quote history

Exactly this.
A week is a long time to spend away when you don't really want to.
I am obviously out of touch but I find these sorts of things incredibly self indulgent. Esp when you have a family to organise etc.
Hold firm and don't apologise. Just wish them a fabulous trip etc and ignore any attempts to guilt you into going.

ArthurTheBadger · 26/02/2024 19:49

The planner feels often more invested than the bride. They will have conjured up a load of ideas and images of what you as a group will do to give the bride a good time. What they often don't do is ask the bride what they want, or ask what the members of the party are comfortable with. The planner, in my experience, can make it a bit of an ego trip, awaiting the plaudits for their amazing work. Explain to the bride, and ignore the planner.

Valeriekat · 27/02/2024 08:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

Some of us quite like our husbands and children.

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 10:52

Valeriekat · 27/02/2024 08:53

Some of us quite like our husbands and children.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣
Are you literally never apart?

Allofaflutter · 27/02/2024 11:00

I think it’s about cost. The planner is miffed that they costed it out and now everyone has to pay more and she is worried they won’t want to so it may all fall apart. This kind of forced holidays are never everyone’s cup of tea.

Allofaflutter · 27/02/2024 11:02

The planner is being arsy to try and manipulate you into going. For costs reasons I bet.

AffIt · 27/02/2024 11:07

There's a difference between a friend wanting to go, I dunno, bouldering or something and sucking it up for a few hours even if it's not your thing, and going away for a week.

As a PP pointed out, it might have been tolerable in your 20s, but it's not something I'd want to do these days: I don't have children, but I do have a fairly full-on FT job (and a partner) and I wouldn't want to use five days of AL to do something I wasn't especially sold on.

GreyDuck · 27/02/2024 11:11

I think grinning and bearing an activity you wouldn't choose for a few hours for the sake of friendship is polite.
Using a week of my annual leave though? No way!

ancienticecream · 27/02/2024 11:15

A whole week? 🤯 Why do people organise events like that? The planned cam sod off with her miffed reaction 😆

UpUpUpU · 27/02/2024 11:26

I said no to my best friends hen do. It was 3 days of activities I’d hate! There was paint balling, escape rooms, lots of alcohol and staying in a hotel with someone I didn’t know. She wasn’t offended and actually quite apologetic as she’d apparently not had much say in it either! We had a nice meal together just us to.

if she is a good friend she’ll understand.

midgetastic · 27/02/2024 11:39

A week!!!

cheddercherry · 27/02/2024 11:41

You’re not unreasonable as a week is a massive ask in terms of cost and time and tbh unless everyone attending is a very close group and regularly has girls holidays/ trips away together I’d wager that others aren’t massively invested in it either.

The organiser, as others have seen straight through, is irritated as I imagine she’s costed based on a certain number and either you dropping out impacts or you’re just one of many who have suggested you won’t be going.

It’s just synonymous with how weddings have become an amalgamation of “life affirming events” before the day even happens - at the cost of hundreds and thousands to guests too.

Maddy70 · 27/02/2024 11:44

Just say you only have limited funds and available holidays and you need to spend those with your family

Its fine to decline

JustMarriedBecca · 27/02/2024 11:47

Do I think you have to, on occasion, put your friends interests first and suck it up?
Yes.

Do I think a week long holiday is such an occasion?
No. It's egotistical and entitled.

For example, I hate going out to skanky sticky floor nightclubs. Would I go for a work night out? A hen do? A friend's birthday? Yes. It's a max of 4-5 hours.
Would I go on a week long holiday to Ibiza to the clubs?
No - you'd have to drag my cold lifeless body on to the dance floor.

Autienotnaughtie · 27/02/2024 11:50

Hendos's-

A week or longer - no one
2/3 nights abroad- immediate family/best friends
1/2 nights uk - close friends
A night out - mates/ work friends

I wouldn't feel bad but I would message bride and explain it's not possible re holiday allowance etc. and offer a spa day or similar for the two of you.

rooftopbird · 27/02/2024 12:05

YADNBU. I'd hate that, a weeks organised fun with strangers is literally my idea of hell!

IvorTheEngineDriver · 27/02/2024 12:22

YANBU. Tell the "person involved" to grow up.

LinaLouLa · 27/02/2024 12:53

Your money and your annual leave. And your kids unable to go adds an extra layer of planning. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Ellie1015 · 27/02/2024 12:58

I would struggle to leave dh and kids for full week for my dream holiday with my closest friends. 3 nights bliss, any longer would be a real struggle. I definitely wouldn't do it with a group of people i am not close with.

Take bride for lunch/afternoon tea seperately instead if you want to. But not unreasonable to not attend holiday.

Lurkingonmn · 27/02/2024 13:35

I completely agree with you. I had a hen weekend but have friends from several different circles so said I understood if people wanted to do part of it rather than a whole weekend but a whole week? I'm think about people's annual holiday, using says off for a week holiday and the wedding etc. It's crazy.
I also had a friend who just wanted a might out and IL family were pushing extras on that she didn't want. I said no to the extras several times and ILs sulked and said we were shit friends and bride would have lame hen for if not for ILs stepping in.
Some people are weird!

gannett · 27/02/2024 13:45

"Not my cup of tea" sounds a little like you don't like these people enough to hang out with them for a week. Being honest, I find people who have obviously decided their old friends aren't worth spending time with now they have children to be rather tedious, and it's disappointing to find the friendship never meant much to them.

However you can obviously decline for any reason you want, even if different wording might have been more tactful; and it's much more unreasonable on the planner's part to show any sign of being miffed. A week's holiday together was never going to be a plan that worked for everyone because it's such a big commitment - even for people who aren't parents.

I'd happily do this sort of thing with my old friends though with a few caveats (accommodation, type of activities, who else is going) so I'd be checking the details first.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/02/2024 13:49

I've said this on another thread but I think these sorts of trips are all well and good with a group of close friends but rather awkward with people who barely know each other. It's the sort of thing I'd suck up for a day but not a week. If you're going to use a week's leave and be away from your family for a week it should be to do something you actually want to do.

You've not done anything wrong here OP. I think people need to be more realistic with their hen dos.

gannett · 27/02/2024 13:50

Also the stag/hen element seems a bit of a red herring? I've never gone on a week's holiday for either but this is the kind of thing I've always done with friends, just for a holiday with no particular reason. That tails off as you get older but everyone misses those days, so this feels like an excuse on the bride and groom's part to get the old gang back together again.

It's unfortunate that as you get older, a lot of friends stop making the effort if there isn't a big reason like a milestone birthday or wedding to celebrate.

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 14:05

gannett · 27/02/2024 13:50

Also the stag/hen element seems a bit of a red herring? I've never gone on a week's holiday for either but this is the kind of thing I've always done with friends, just for a holiday with no particular reason. That tails off as you get older but everyone misses those days, so this feels like an excuse on the bride and groom's part to get the old gang back together again.

It's unfortunate that as you get older, a lot of friends stop making the effort if there isn't a big reason like a milestone birthday or wedding to celebrate.

It's not just the old gang, though, that would be totally different.
Op says there are some people she doesn't know very well. Presumably not people she'd ever choose to spend her holiday with.