Page 4 | To not go? Would this annoy you?

DropDeadFreida · 27/02/2024 14:05

WhatNoRaisins · 27/02/2024 13:49

I've said this on another thread but I think these sorts of trips are all well and good with a group of close friends but rather awkward with people who barely know each other. It's the sort of thing I'd suck up for a day but not a week. If you're going to use a week's leave and be away from your family for a week it should be to do something you actually want to do.

You've not done anything wrong here OP. I think people need to be more realistic with their hen dos.

I agree with this. Hen dos and even weddings can sometimes be slightly awkward as it's usually a group of people that only the bride/groom knows well, and it might not be an already-established friendship group. If I had a hen do and invited my friends most of them wouldn't have ever met before so asking them to spend an entire week abroad together would be ridiculous.

TorroFerney · 27/02/2024 14:21

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

I think that is the entire point of the thread she won't enjoy it and doesn't want to take time out from being a wife and mother, those things aren't a chore for some of us. I won't say are you the organiser as that's done to death on here but crikey.

TorroFerney · 27/02/2024 14:22

Fitzbillie · 26/02/2024 17:05

If you actually gave “it’s not my cup of tea” as the reason and nothing else, it’s a bit tactless. It does come across as I don’t like you enough to put myself out and do something that isn’t ostensibly unpleasant.

It sounds like the very good reasons you don’t want to go are: 1. you don’t want to be away from your DC for a week; 2. you can’t justify the expense (particularly for something you won’t really enjoy); 3. you don’t feel comfortable staying with people you don’t know well. Those are all good reasons and most people would understand them and empathise. Yet, it seems like you didn’t tell the organiser those reasons. “Not my cup of tea” sounds like you can’t be bothered.

I think their reaction would have been different if you had been more explicit in your reasons. Maybe I wouldn’t have mentioned the bit about not being able to justify the expense on something you don’t like… 😂 I would have left it as not being able to afford it right now.

Rubbish - it's honest, she's not saying it's not my cup of tea because you are all awful/beneath me. You are inferring / seeing judgment when there is none.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 27/02/2024 14:23

YANBU. A weekend or night, fine and you should make the effort. A week is ridiculous. Just decline early on, and speak to the bride privately. Maybe suggest you have a nice dinner instead? Don't give the excuse that it's not your cup of tea, it sounds quite snobby. Just say it's because of prioritizing money and annual leave.

TorroFerney · 27/02/2024 14:25

Maddy70 · 27/02/2024 11:44

Just say you only have limited funds and available holidays and you need to spend those with your family

Its fine to decline

No don't lie! Fine to say not my thing. God half the posts on here are people quite rightly telling women to grow a backbone and stop fawning/people pleasing and then when someone actually does we get this. Oh please lie, dont make them feel bad etc etc.

Maddy70 · 27/02/2024 14:34

TorroFerney · 27/02/2024 14:25

No don't lie! Fine to say not my thing. God half the posts on here are people quite rightly telling women to grow a backbone and stop fawning/people pleasing and then when someone actually does we get this. Oh please lie, dont make them feel bad etc etc.

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Why is this a lie?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/02/2024 14:39

My cousin in law is having a similar thing for her 40th and I turned it down and just said it wasn't my thing. I know a few going but honestly it's my idea of hell. I can just about do it with DH's family when he's there and DD too

BusyMummy001 · 27/02/2024 14:42

fourelementary · 26/02/2024 14:31

It’s totally fine to prioritise money and holiday entitlement for your family… YANBU

Personally I think week-long hen/stag dos are actually unreasonable. Not sure what is going on these days that the ‘special day’ needs to be built up to with a zillion mini, but equally onerous and expensive events.

A night out with your mates/work colleagues beforehand and maybe a pamper/girls spa day with bridal party/sisters if you’ve suggested it and its been greeted with enthusiasm… but enough already!

Grah · 27/02/2024 14:43

The idea of these holidays is ridiculous. All the people I know who have had a stag or hen do like this are now divorced. It's all about show and not commitment. I had a few girls round my Mum's for some drinks and husband went out for drinks with a couple of mates. You are perfectly right to not want to leave your kids and spend money on something you won't enjoy.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 27/02/2024 14:51

I’m surprised at how many people are acting like it was an imposition to even ask you. I had a big holiday for my 40th and we had a ball!

However, you were absolutely not unreasonable to say no. You clearly wouldn’t enjoy it, and it would be a big commitment in terms of time and money even if you did want to go.

I think we’re conditioned to soften the blow in these situations, which is why you’re getting suggestions to blame childcare, lack of annual leave etc. The problem with doing that is that it opens up further suggestions - just come for a few days, you could get a cheaper flight too if you don’t stay as long, surely your mom could have the kids for just a couple of nights… Best to be honest.

The main thing is, it’s the MOH who’s annoyed with you, not the bride and groom. You don’t have to care what she thinks - if the bride and groom understand, you’re golden.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 27/02/2024 15:09

Of course you don’t have to go, and the way you expressed your declining the invitation was admirable.

Personally I can’t think of anything worse — unless the group holiday was actually also a cruise.

VampireWeekday · 27/02/2024 15:09

Absolutely deranged. I think that these ideas come from sitcoms where a weirdly close group of friends is together in one location for plot purposes, and from the instagram of celebrities who have nothing else to do (and for whom being seen together at these things is work).

The sheer audacity of asking someone to spend a whole week's holiday is mind blowing. I wouldn't want to holiday without my child anyway.

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 15:28

Maddy70 · 27/02/2024 14:34

Why is this a lie?

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Because op presumably can do it, she just doesn't want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tempnamechng · 27/02/2024 15:32

So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend? No. Your time is precious and it's about whether you want to go away without your family or not. I never did when my dc were younger. I probably wouldn't want to know they are older teens, if I'm quite honest. Week long stag and hens are self indulgent. Even if you booked a weekend long do, you have to expect some of your party not to be able to attend. Let the pushy MOH sulk.

Woodyandbuzz1 · 27/02/2024 15:34

I wouldn't even go if someone else paid for me, so no, ynbu

Yorkiepud2614 · 27/02/2024 15:34

In my experience (which a disagree with but have first hand experience) if it is for a stag or Hen and they are close friends you HAVE to attend, whether or not it is your cup of tea or you will damage the friendship.

Caroparo52 · 27/02/2024 15:35

Well done you having the insight about yourself to say no.
I bet many others wish they could be so honest.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2024 15:43

Valeriekat · 27/02/2024 08:53

Some of us quite like our husbands and children.

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@Valeriekat

im sure lots do. And they can still have trips with other people. It’s not healthy to live in each others pockets.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2024 15:45

TorroFerney · 27/02/2024 14:21

I think that is the entire point of the thread she won't enjoy it and doesn't want to take time out from being a wife and mother, those things aren't a chore for some of us. I won't say are you the organiser as that's done to death on here but crikey.

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@TorroFerney

errr everyone needs to take some time out from being a wife and mother just to be themselves sometimes! It’s psychologically healthy.

Isometimeswonder · 27/02/2024 15:53

I believe if it's a night or day out then I'd feel obliged and would make the effort, even if it wasn't my cup of tea.
But overnight stays, weekends or longer... that's a big ask, and noone should feel obligated.
Hope that makes sense!

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 15:57

Yorkiepud2614 · 27/02/2024 15:34

In my experience (which a disagree with but have first hand experience) if it is for a stag or Hen and they are close friends you HAVE to attend, whether or not it is your cup of tea or you will damage the friendship.

Who wants friends like these?

chrisfromcardiff · 27/02/2024 16:00

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

Totally ok to not go. Also totally ok to ignore the person who seems annoyed. That is a very long hen do. You can be a bridesmaid without leaving your family for a week to be in the company of people, some of whom you don't know all that well. That sounds like my idea of hell. Is this person annoyed because she expected the cost to be split amongst everyone and now it will cost more per person? Not that it matters. Just keep saying no thank you and she can take herself off in a huff if she wants to.

chrisfromcardiff · 27/02/2024 16:02

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's not about the money in the sense that I couldn't afford it, or that it would mean I couldn't go away with DH and DC another time. But I just don't want to go. It's not something I enjoy the idea of. So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend?

"Just not wanting to" is a totally fine reason. All too frequently, we say yes to doing something that we don't really want to do. Saying no is this wonderful, liberating thing to do.

OnceinaMinion · 27/02/2024 16:04

You’ll find there are people who are happy to waste other peoples time/money to make others go to things that they will enjoy - but it doesn’t work the other way around. Are they spending a full weekend doing something you would enjoy instead, probably not.

RosePetals86 · 27/02/2024 16:06

Yanbu op. I often wonder how a lot of people manage to afford these hen dos away and then big fancy weddings. I can only imagine a lot of people are up to their eyes in debt trying to keep up! Spend your money and your annual leave as you see fit.