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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 26/02/2024 16:45

A weeklong holiday!? That’s a ridiculous burden to place on people from a time, finance & childcare perspective. If couples want that for their hen/stag that’s lovely, but they shouldn’t expect people to be able or willing to do that & be understanding when some bow out.

YANBU

I probably would phrase my decline differently… “that’s just not in our family’s money or time budget, but I’m so excited for the wedding itself.”

Chitterlina · 26/02/2024 16:49

Not unreasonable. We all tend to do things we don’t want to, just to please other people. I tried to stop doing this years ago and feel fine in myself.

Some years back I was invited to a hen do. Weekend away, sharing a room with someone I didn’t know. I found out the evening plan was to learn a “flash mob” dance WTF. I said I was already committed to other plans!

FinallyFeb · 26/02/2024 16:55

Your decline of the invite was perfect OP, don’t give it any more thought.

StarlightLime · 26/02/2024 16:56

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's not about the money in the sense that I couldn't afford it, or that it would mean I couldn't go away with DH and DC another time. But I just don't want to go. It's not something I enjoy the idea of. So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend?

No. It's completely self indulgent to assume people want to spend a whole week of their yearly holiday entitlement to celebrate your wedding.
Before the wedding itself even happens.
Hen do's are becoming bloody ridiculous.

Rickrolypoly · 26/02/2024 16:58

Hmm, a week long stag/hen is completely excessive so I do think that you are within your rights to say no to that. I would think its a lot for most people and then you've to factor the wedding in too. Did you try to talk to the MOH about organising a weekend instead? I would imagine that most people would view a week long hen party as OTT.
However, to answer your question re "should we do things we don't want to for other people?" then, yes I think sometimes you just do (within reason of course). I've been to a few Hen parties which would not be my idea of a good time but you do it for the Bride so that she has a good night and something to remember.

StarlightLime · 26/02/2024 16:59

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

She can do that at a time and place of her own choosing Grin
Who actually wants to spend a week with a group of people who are mainly randoms?

Toblerbone · 26/02/2024 17:02

Imagine if everyone did this! If you had a few different friends getting married in the same year you'd spend all your annual leave and holiday budget on hen dos!

Fitzbillie · 26/02/2024 17:05

If you actually gave “it’s not my cup of tea” as the reason and nothing else, it’s a bit tactless. It does come across as I don’t like you enough to put myself out and do something that isn’t ostensibly unpleasant.

It sounds like the very good reasons you don’t want to go are: 1. you don’t want to be away from your DC for a week; 2. you can’t justify the expense (particularly for something you won’t really enjoy); 3. you don’t feel comfortable staying with people you don’t know well. Those are all good reasons and most people would understand them and empathise. Yet, it seems like you didn’t tell the organiser those reasons. “Not my cup of tea” sounds like you can’t be bothered.

I think their reaction would have been different if you had been more explicit in your reasons. Maybe I wouldn’t have mentioned the bit about not being able to justify the expense on something you don’t like… 😂 I would have left it as not being able to afford it right now.

mondaytosunday · 26/02/2024 17:07

Goodness I don't care how close I am to the bride I'm not going away with them for a whole week! Even if single and child free! Crazy.

StarlightLime · 26/02/2024 17:07

“Not my cup of tea” sounds like you can’t be bothered
Not for a normal hen night, no.

I actually thinks it's fine when someone's asking for a week of your time to celebrate themselves 😂

Fitzbillie · 26/02/2024 17:27

StarlightLime · 26/02/2024 17:07

“Not my cup of tea” sounds like you can’t be bothered
Not for a normal hen night, no.

I actually thinks it's fine when someone's asking for a week of your time to celebrate themselves 😂

That’s kind of my point.

”Not my cup of tea” is a very dismissive phrase. It just conveys that OP doesn’t want to do it just because she doesn’t want to.

As you say, it’s understandable that not everyone will want or be able to give up a week for a hen do. So just say that instead of “not my cup of tea”.

StarlightLime · 26/02/2024 17:32

I know what you're saying, @Fitzbillie
For me, I wouldn't hesitate to call a spade a spade in that situation, (I think it's cheeky enough) but I understand why others would prefer a less abrasive approach...

Original poster
TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 17:32

just conveys that OP doesn’t want to do it just because she doesn’t want to

I mean that is the reason though. I don't want to go because I don't want to go to things like this.

OP posts:
DistingusedSocialCommentator · 26/02/2024 17:35

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 17:32

just conveys that OP doesn’t want to do it just because she doesn’t want to

I mean that is the reason though. I don't want to go because I don't want to go to things like this.

and you are doing the right thing, ie putting yourself first.

Ponderingwindow · 26/02/2024 17:43

A week is ridiculous.

these things also just tend to not be the type of travel I’m personally willing to do. I want my own room and bathroom. I’m way too fussy to share. Yet these trips inevitably cram as many people into as small a space as possible. I wouldn’t enjoy myself and I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t ruin other people’s times.

the current incarnation of hen dos really only cater to a very narrow personality. If you don’t happen to be that person, I wouldn’t go.

Seadreamers · 26/02/2024 17:45

A week! Does the bride want to go for a week or is that the MOH’s idea? That’s crazy and gives no consideration to people’s finances, childcare, personal commitments or eating into their work annual leave.

Absolutely fine to say no and you are not likely to be the only one to decline. Perhaps you could take the bride out for dinner, drinks, afternoon tea etc instead?

Goldieremson · 26/02/2024 17:50

If Ur good enough friends to be asked to be bridesmaid I'm sure she knows u well enough to no U might not be there on the hen do, I'm exactly the same tho tbh if it was even a weekend away in the UK I'd be iffy about going, I'd do a night out hen do, an prob still be the first to leave lol :)

SophieJo · 26/02/2024 17:50

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 17:32

just conveys that OP doesn’t want to do it just because she doesn’t want to

I mean that is the reason though. I don't want to go because I don't want to go to things like this.

Neither would I, so don’t feel obliged to.

tuvamoodyson · 26/02/2024 17:56

I would have said no and not given a hoot!

MermaidEyes · 26/02/2024 18:06

What happened to a meal out and a bit of dancing round your handbags for a hen night? Nowadays it's a fortnight away at a cost of hundreds. I must be getting old.

SandyWaves · 26/02/2024 18:37

Dotdashdottinghell · 26/02/2024 14:32

That sort of thing is probably fun in your early 20s, but once there's a family to consider it's just very self indulgent to think people will want to give a weeks leave and a load of money to go on your hen do. Absolutely fine to stay no.

Agree

Peakypolly · 26/02/2024 18:50

Hmm, a week long stag/hen is completely excessive so I do think that you are within your rights to say no to that. I would think its a lot for most people and then you've to factor the wedding in too. Did you try to talk to the MOH about organising a weekend instead? I would imagine that most people would view a week long hen party as OTT.
I don't think you can totally generalise though.I am going to a bachelorette this summer and everyone attending is more than happy to party for 5 days, and it involves international flights.
I am close to the organiser, and I know she has no issues with the 3 invitees who immediately declined but, had anyone 'ummmed and ahhhhrd', or were they to drop out now, of course it would be an issue.
Just be clear that you will not be attending in any capacity.

StaunchMomma · 26/02/2024 18:51

I wouldn't leave my kid for a week unless I absolutely had to. A hen do is not a good reason to dump your family off and go get pissed, especially if you don't even want to. The expectations are way too high.

The friend is being a dick.

TubeScreamer · 26/02/2024 19:02

Your response was absolutely fine. Don’t give it another thought.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2024 19:04

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

I take plenty of time out but a week in one go would be a logistical nightmare. DH would have to book a week off work to do school runs or at least a half day every day. We'd have to find someone to take eldest to after-school club one night. And personally I wouldn't want to do all three kids for a week alone so shouldn't expect him to. We have twins who's bed time routine overlaps with the older ones so we normally split it. Single parenting and eldest goes to bed late. He shouldn't have to do that for a week