How to deal with nasty SIL suddenly become very rich

[User55567]

SIL (DHs sister) was very mean and bitter to us from Day1. DH and I have stable professional jobs and we worked very hard with zero family support. SIL didn’t have a job/ had no intentions of having one. She wanted to find a rich guy and just enjoy life. She spent 8 years on the hunt, while living with her parents. She then went back to uni for a masters, and then found a job straight after. This time she found a guy with “potential”. She married him and promptly quit her job and had 2 children.

All good, but all though these 15yrs of looking, finding and being with this guy, she constantly made snide remarks about our incomes, jobs, any thing nice we had, our holiday, everything. She constantly made in-laws put pressure on us to gift her things, while giving nothing in return. In-laws gave her property to “compensate”, bought her expensive things and constantly felt sorry for her and her “one income” lifestyle. Her husband once lost his job and still she won’t get a job saying “it’s his problem to sort out, I won’t take the stress”

She constantly told her brother about how her kids get a parent to look after them, about how bright her kids are etc, and how she “sacrificed” a career (she never had one!) because her kids mean more than money to her. All this while telling us we seem to have a lot of money because we both earn.

Now, her husband made a few million € in under a year as a small business he started as a side hustle really took off. She now can’t stop bragging and how she knew she is always meant for luxury, how she is the best wife (taking credit for his business success) and how her children are so lucky because they are set for life.. It seems to her like some “victory” over us. I already speak to her bare minimum - kept distance over the years.

DHs mental health is getting impacted over all these remarks and constant rubbing it in. He is now chasing “ideas” spending nights “researching” things. We already have very stressful jobs, I’m worried about him.

Wr are not poor, pretty comfortable but have salaries and mortgages like everyone else. We live a middle class life though and quite happy with it.

Can't you both just ignore her?

This. Like just yawn and think ahhh here we go again...

Ask her every time if she wants a medal.

Yeah, honestly nothing you can do about it other than adjust YOUR feelings about it

distance yourselves from her, grey rock and leave her to it.

IF anything is ever said, just deny all knowledge and say how family life keeps you busy busy busy.

stop allowing your parents to bamboozle you. Smile and wave and do your own thing anyway.

I had a boyfriend a long time ago who cleared £2m in 1997 on shares from a company he had joined in their early days.

He boasted about he was made for life , quit his job, took up golf etc. It took him only 11 years to burn through his cash. He was rubbish at investing.

I met him again in 2012 and he tried to get me to buy him lunch. Seems £2m doesn't last long when you don't have a decent career. So tell your SIL to wind her neck in. And tell your dh to stop worrying, That kind of money brings all sorts of creeps out of the woodwork. More trouble than it is worth. xx

She sounds awful, that money can’t buy class is certainly true isn’t it.

She has achieved nothing for herself and it’ll come back to bite her in the future. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I already speak to her bare minimum - kept distance over the years.

Tell your husband to do this.

Chuckle amiably while saying “no one likes a show off!”

Ignore her

I think you dh may need professional support if this is impacting him so much.

She is nasty. And always was. Distance yourself from her. You should have done it earlier.

You simply ignore it and don't engage. I am unsure why you have even given her as much headspace as you have over the years already. Its up to them as a couple as to how they have their family setup eg. with her as a SAHM the same way it is up to you and your DH as to how you have your family set up. To some extent it seems you seemed to think you were superior to her and are a bit put out that they have had some good fortune with their new business so now you aren't the "successful" ones. You both made choices that suited you and neither was incorrect.

Bear in mind that she's not happy, and never has been. If she was she wouldn't feel the need to do and say all the things she does - and at some point she will realise that rich husbands have a tendency to upgrade their wives to a newer model.

As others have said try to limit contact, don't give her any ammunition and keep conversation very superficial.

You can choose to ignore her. You are happy with your life.

However, it sounds like your husband is jealous. He's probably feeling inferior against her husband. Especially as she keeps going on about it. And, TBH, he has earned his own money with his side hustle.

Yes, OP sounds like she was happy being the superior one, but now the shoe is on the other foot...

You and he need to let the envy go. Cut the contact down. Comparison is the thief of joy you might be able to stop the comments through grey rocking etc, but you’ll not stop the flash holidays or a new car and I think it will still upset your husband.

If she is causing your DH to feel inadequate and insecure and you are worried about him as a result, then you need to cut contact.

Don't contact her for any reason, avoid being at ILs when you know she will be around. If you can, surreptitiously block her number on DH's phone so she can't message him directly.

Try to show your DH that he is not a failure and you have a good life together and money doesn't equate to happiness. Avoid mentioning her to DH, and if he mentions her, say something like "Well, you know what SIL is like with money - I give it 3 years before she has spent the lot"

Why even give this woman headspace?
You seem rather fixated about her.
Let it go- life is far too short.

Look/ tell your DH at all the things he has- not what he doesn't have.

Health, loving wife, beautiful children, steady income....

If shit hits the fan for SIL a few years down the line (and it will as she sounds reckless), she'll have nothing.
You still have a career and means to support yourself.

The only way to deal with someone like this is to thoroughly agree with their assessment of themselves and their success.

Even the most dense of people usually get the message and it thoroughly knocks them off balance. Because, of course, the whole point of these snipes is to make you argue/be upset/feel bad. Don't let them.

how she knew she is always meant for luxury
Oh it's so great to have long term dreams isn't it! And you were right all along! I'm so happy for you [big smile]

how she is the best wife (taking credit for his business success)
He is SO lucky to have your support! He would never have managed to be so successful without you! [big smile]

how her children are so lucky because they are set for life
Oh they are! What a wonderful start in life you've given them [big smile]

Then go home to your lovely comfortable life and your wonderful family and chuckle in private about what a knob she is.

Having a gentle chuckle at the OP going on about how nasty and snide her SIL is...

You are eaten up with jealousy OP. You are railing internally about how unfair it all is. And your husband is eaten up as well.

She sounds like an absolute arsehole but I agree there's nothing to be done about it besides managing your own reactions to it better and distancing yourselves.

Why would your DH now feel the need to start his own side business? It's madness and will just make him look jealous of her. It's very telling that he didn't feel the need to compete with her until she had more. Why is that a position he cannot tolerate?

Maybe DH speaking to his parents might help, if only in terms of 'can we please stop treating her as the to-be-pitied child now, please'.

There's a dynamic between your husband and his sister that was set in childhood. She needs to be seen to be doing better/have more than him. He is effected to the point his mental health is suffering because she has achieved this. Both siblings are the products of their upbringing and this pattern was set then. If I were you I'd be encouraging as little contact as possible with your sister in law as this won't change and your husband needs to break free.

I wonder if she'll still be laughing when her husband buys himself out the marriage?

Just go no contact with her.