How to deal with nasty SIL suddenly become very rich

[User55567]

SIL (DHs sister) was very mean and bitter to us from Day1. DH and I have stable professional jobs and we worked very hard with zero family support. SIL didn’t have a job/ had no intentions of having one. She wanted to find a rich guy and just enjoy life. She spent 8 years on the hunt, while living with her parents. She then went back to uni for a masters, and then found a job straight after. This time she found a guy with “potential”. She married him and promptly quit her job and had 2 children.

All good, but all though these 15yrs of looking, finding and being with this guy, she constantly made snide remarks about our incomes, jobs, any thing nice we had, our holiday, everything. She constantly made in-laws put pressure on us to gift her things, while giving nothing in return. In-laws gave her property to “compensate”, bought her expensive things and constantly felt sorry for her and her “one income” lifestyle. Her husband once lost his job and still she won’t get a job saying “it’s his problem to sort out, I won’t take the stress”

She constantly told her brother about how her kids get a parent to look after them, about how bright her kids are etc, and how she “sacrificed” a career (she never had one!) because her kids mean more than money to her. All this while telling us we seem to have a lot of money because we both earn.

Now, her husband made a few million € in under a year as a small business he started as a side hustle really took off. She now can’t stop bragging and how she knew she is always meant for luxury, how she is the best wife (taking credit for his business success) and how her children are so lucky because they are set for life.. It seems to her like some “victory” over us. I already speak to her bare minimum - kept distance over the years.

DHs mental health is getting impacted over all these remarks and constant rubbing it in. He is now chasing “ideas” spending nights “researching” things. We already have very stressful jobs, I’m worried about him.

Wr are not poor, pretty comfortable but have salaries and mortgages like everyone else. We live a middle class life though and quite happy with it.

She doesn’t sound particularly happy or secure with herself if she’s bragging all the time. I would have to say no need to brag every time or ask for a loan jokingly. Don’t take her seriously, she sounds messed up.

This^ Money can be easy come-easy go, and the shallower and greedier the people who get it, the more likely they'll blow it.

Also, don't be tempted to take any business/work risks to emulate them, you could come unstuck. I'd just ignore them. Do your own thing(s) in your own way(s) and just be happy.

She also may find that the now suddenly very rich husband may trade her in for younger model. It happens.

When I was a kid if someone made a million they were made for life. These days a few million won't get you anywhere. Where I live you could spend a couple of million on a nice house and have nothing left. But you've got to maintain it and probably need staff to help you to do that. So, most of us are in the same boat. From the sound of it she is going to spend spend spend. She's going to be the ruin of him. I don't wish her ill, but it's the same old story isn't it?

His business took off but it doesn't mean that it's going to be successful forever. Get your heads down, get on with your work, save a bit if you can, pay off your mortgage as soon as you can. In the long term it's the best way.

Oh, and avoid her like the plague. She's an idiot.

This - if you must speak to them, tell her how thrilled you are for them. Then start talking about something (anything else).

I feel for you, OP. I have a similar situation here with a couple of friends who have come into money. It changes them in that they start to act as though they are above everyone and expect you to worship them or something. They start throwing lavish parties and such like and gain a new set of friends. it's all very odd. Then when you don't seem impressed they assume you're jealous when you really aren't. You just want to be left alone to get on with your life in peace. And not only that you also want to be valued not because of how much money you have but because you are a valuable human being.

You have two problems here; the first is that you have a knob for a SIL but the second is your husband is playing a part in it too.

Sit down with him and agree a strategy to stop her getting under your skin. You could grey rock, you could calmly and politely point out to her on repeat that she's being rude or you could go hard on the ridicule saying you're going to introduce a 'brag box' instead of swear box. Whichever way you do it, you have to stop reacting as you currently are.

I had a friend like this. She was tedious and I mean utterly tedious about her husband's salary. I wasn't remotely jealous. Our lives had gone very different ways, I made a success of my career and she is a SAHP. We had previously been peers at work. Her life is far more luxurious than mine will ever be. I couldn't give a hoot. I like(d) her for the laughs we always had, the support, the shared interests. But the constant references to our disparity in wealth became well, boring. I mainly avoid now which is a shame as we had lots of fun in the past.

I think really OP, the only thing to do is work on supporting your OH to step away. How will your children feel if they are constantly made to feel inferior to their cousins? I agree, if you kick off, you will be painted as jealous/mean/unkind.

The best thing to do is gently step away. All of you. You are happy with your family and the life you have built together. I guess she needs to see people feeling rubbish to make herself feel better.

I really want to know what the business was that made him the money

This!!! I’d totally do this. It’s genius!

DONT DO THIS!!!

do NOT TAKE his phone behind his back!!

good lord. That is not good advice.

Hi OP are you from a South Asian family where you might be culturally more entwined/enmeshed than a typical Western family?

I don't agree with the majority that OP's DH shouldn't start a side hustle. If the annoying SIL's success galvanizes him into action, where's the harm? As long as he's not ruminating on her barbs in a way that's damaging to his morale. Who knows, maybe the side hustle will take his mind off the envy even if it doesn't make him a million.

Two things here:

1. As mentioned, her DH made nearly as much as we both did always.
2. Im equally competent and I take great pride in my career. I don’t get into silly DH careers/salaries game. If at all SIL wants to compete with me, she has a long way to go. So there is no competition.

sorry to disappoint , no dough for you here! 😂

no! I won’t.

I have an aunt like this, and AFAIK she has plenty of friends, plus she had a good career. My theory is that she's only a rude boastful dickhead when she's with family. I bet the OP's SIL didn't talk to her boss (when she had one) like she talks to her DB.

Distance yourself from her. Go low contact and only see her on specific family occasions like weddings or funerals. Who needs that toxicity in their lives?

Truthfully OP this started out sounding like SIL’s insecurity but you’re starting to sound just as defensive. I’m not sure this competitive eyeing up is all one way.

I’m not going to judge Op but putting a bit of cultural context on the enmeshment is helpful

Your husband seems to have such a great life, why does he need to think a lot about his sister?

He is married to the love of his life.
He has children.
He has a stable professional job.
His wife has a stable professional job.

Can your husband think: I have an annoying, braggy sister. I am not going to focus on her.

I have already cut down interaction significantly. Pre riches was another story. Constantly crying poverty at in-laws and getting handouts despite her DH earning nearly as much as DH and I did together. I got very uncomfortable with her evil eyeing anything we bought that seemed SLIGHTLY better than hers. For example, we replaced our 15yr old car with a new electric. They have a 4yr old car they bought new. The amount of shit we got about safety issues with electric cars was unbelievable! You get the point? Even pre riches, she was bonkers. Now it’s 10x.

Yes. She has a small friends group and guess what, every single one of them is financially in a lower income group than them. It had to be that way, she gets very uncomfortable around people she perceives as better than her in some way. She quickly has to find something wrong with them.

Like they “ have no career”?

As I am sure many have said, keep your distance and stop interacting with her. Both you and your husband.

She is his sister so surely he can tell her she’s being boring again?

If you have to see her on a family occasion and she starts the bragging, just raise an eyebrow, say “okay” and excuse yourself.

She sounds horrible but you aren’t sounding great yourself with the claims of superiority.

I’d be tempted to wind her up a little bit. Whenever she starts bragging, say something like “I’m so pleased for your DH. He’s worked very hard and deserves all of the success.” If she makes a comment about how the success is down to her or says anything to try and take credit, say something like “mmm, I’m sure” or “oh of course, taking care of the kids and looking after the house undoubtedly allowed your DH to really focus on his business and make it the success that it is.”

Easy come, easy go. Doesn't sound like she's very responsible, so no doubt they won't be preparing for all the tax they have to pay, spending far too much because they aren't used to having money, and then they'll be begging round again.

I'd be steering well clear, before a year or two down the line she's talking your husband into investing what cash he can spare into some new business venture that's "bound to take off" 🙄