How to deal with nasty SIL suddenly become very rich

[User55567]

SIL (DHs sister) was very mean and bitter to us from Day1. DH and I have stable professional jobs and we worked very hard with zero family support. SIL didn’t have a job/ had no intentions of having one. She wanted to find a rich guy and just enjoy life. She spent 8 years on the hunt, while living with her parents. She then went back to uni for a masters, and then found a job straight after. This time she found a guy with “potential”. She married him and promptly quit her job and had 2 children.

All good, but all though these 15yrs of looking, finding and being with this guy, she constantly made snide remarks about our incomes, jobs, any thing nice we had, our holiday, everything. She constantly made in-laws put pressure on us to gift her things, while giving nothing in return. In-laws gave her property to “compensate”, bought her expensive things and constantly felt sorry for her and her “one income” lifestyle. Her husband once lost his job and still she won’t get a job saying “it’s his problem to sort out, I won’t take the stress”

She constantly told her brother about how her kids get a parent to look after them, about how bright her kids are etc, and how she “sacrificed” a career (she never had one!) because her kids mean more than money to her. All this while telling us we seem to have a lot of money because we both earn.

Now, her husband made a few million € in under a year as a small business he started as a side hustle really took off. She now can’t stop bragging and how she knew she is always meant for luxury, how she is the best wife (taking credit for his business success) and how her children are so lucky because they are set for life.. It seems to her like some “victory” over us. I already speak to her bare minimum - kept distance over the years.

DHs mental health is getting impacted over all these remarks and constant rubbing it in. He is now chasing “ideas” spending nights “researching” things. We already have very stressful jobs, I’m worried about him.

Wr are not poor, pretty comfortable but have salaries and mortgages like everyone else. We live a middle class life though and quite happy with it.

no 2million is plenty without a job, it's if you spend it like you are David Beckham/Jennifer Aniston then you run into bother.

2 million in 97 would be worth 3.7 million today. He must have lived like he was Ronaldo to go through that.

Every time you see her greet her with a bow and sarcastic round of applause. Apart from that I’d keep away from her

Just have minimal contact with her. I have a SIL a bit like this. She relishes when things go wrong for me/DH, bitches about all family members & other SIL, is a real tight arse - she once stole the tip I'd left on the table after we'd eaten at a restaurant. She sucks up to FIL because she thinks he will "leave her more money in his will". Fortunately I don't live near her and so I only see her once a year and take the grey rock approach.

I don’t, but if you put it that way, I’m still the superior one. I have a career and I am capable of feeding, clothing and housing my family on my own. Her husband’s financial success doesn’t make her superior to me 😂

In my book, “earned” is always superior to “given”.

That’s not the point of the post though. It’s DHs mental health!

We were never considerably richer than her. We lived within our means and enjoyed some comforts. Her husband made close to what we made as a couple. With tax, he probably took home slightly less than our combined income. It was her perception.
How did we know his salary? Her sulking about it to MIL.

He's not comparing himself to his sister. He's comparing himself to his brother in law.

And he's clearly not as happy with his middle income life as the OP is, or he wouldn't be stressing about finding his own side hustle 🤔

Thank you. I tried this in the past when she bragged about her kids talents. She lapped it up and turned it on my kids! “Why don’t you be like your cousin? See, he is soo amazing at football”

WTF ! I almost immediately stopped doing this.

Your dp just needs to stop focussing on a sister he doesn't see much and live his own life. Hopefully he can do this with a bit of self reflection or otherwise he should seek out counselling to find out more about the root of his jealousy and dissatisfaction.

How did we know his salary? Her sulking about it to MIL

And your MIL gossiping to you about it? You all sound as bad as each other

Yes. MIL told me on one of her feeling sorry for SIL sessions.

There probably is some kind of sibling rivalry thing in the past. I think all the handouts, help, support she got over the years - favouritism - stings him. Although he never admitted.

If it's affecting your DH mental health, then he just needs to stop spending time with her. It's a no brainer. Go as low contact as you can and grit your teeth and bear it when you have to spend time with her.

I was out last night with a group of friends. There's one I find really difficult to be around (she keeps bringing the conversation back to her and her problems) so I never see her outside of the group, but others do. I really like other people in the group and I know that to see them, I have to put up with this one Negative Nora. I know what she's like, I know she'll never change, I've just made a deal with myself not to let it annoy me.

Anyway, as you say, back to your DH's mental health.

He seems to be feeling inferior to his brother in law. Or at least, dissatisfied with his life and current earning level.

I'm not sure what you do about that? Of course you have reassured him that you're both happy with what you have. But he clearly isn't.

Because the problem is that - yes - your SIL sounds awful. But your BIL doesn't. So your DH is comparing himself to another decent man, who has worked hard, and who is now make a shed load of money out of something he started himself. You can try and reassure your DH that you are happy, but that doesn't make him happy, clearly.

The problem is that however little time the OP's DH spends with his sister, he still knows that his hardworking BIL is now massively successful, financially.

Has money but clearly not happy, they probably don't even have sex

On the contrary, she sounds very happy.

She now can’t stop bragging and how she knew she is always meant for luxury, how she is the best wife (taking credit for his business success) and how her children are so lucky because they are set for life.. It seems to her like some “victory” over us.

It’s stinging him now as she got a lot of handouts from in-laws over the years.

That would sting. But he wasn't searching for side hustles before his BIL got successful, was he?

I really don't know what you can do about this. Except help him find a successful idea!

Sure it get its annoying but to actually let it effect things this much would suggest professional help is needed

That is a whole love of power you are both giving them it seems

It's a man thing, isn't it? I get the feeling that you actually don't care about the money. But your DH does.

You don’t really need to see her. She’s bad for your mental health so distance yourselves.

… cue slews of MNers wondering 🤔which they’d rather have … 🤣

Your in laws put pressure on you to give her stuff ??..Please say you didn't ...

Ignore her and don't waste the energy. Focus on your family and live in your happy world. Thats what i do if i feel any thing creep up, i go in my happy bubble and think of all the good things i have.

The more you have, the more you have to lose.

All it would take is a divorce or him getting ill or a bad financial decision. Then back at square one, but with her never having worked, no prospects. Just more bitterness at losing the illusion of financial security. I think its harder to lose comfort then never having experienced it at all.

But OP is not worried for herself. OP is worried for her DH.