How to deal with nasty SIL suddenly become very rich

[User55567]

SIL (DHs sister) was very mean and bitter to us from Day1. DH and I have stable professional jobs and we worked very hard with zero family support. SIL didn’t have a job/ had no intentions of having one. She wanted to find a rich guy and just enjoy life. She spent 8 years on the hunt, while living with her parents. She then went back to uni for a masters, and then found a job straight after. This time she found a guy with “potential”. She married him and promptly quit her job and had 2 children.

All good, but all though these 15yrs of looking, finding and being with this guy, she constantly made snide remarks about our incomes, jobs, any thing nice we had, our holiday, everything. She constantly made in-laws put pressure on us to gift her things, while giving nothing in return. In-laws gave her property to “compensate”, bought her expensive things and constantly felt sorry for her and her “one income” lifestyle. Her husband once lost his job and still she won’t get a job saying “it’s his problem to sort out, I won’t take the stress”

She constantly told her brother about how her kids get a parent to look after them, about how bright her kids are etc, and how she “sacrificed” a career (she never had one!) because her kids mean more than money to her. All this while telling us we seem to have a lot of money because we both earn.

Now, her husband made a few million € in under a year as a small business he started as a side hustle really took off. She now can’t stop bragging and how she knew she is always meant for luxury, how she is the best wife (taking credit for his business success) and how her children are so lucky because they are set for life.. It seems to her like some “victory” over us. I already speak to her bare minimum - kept distance over the years.

DHs mental health is getting impacted over all these remarks and constant rubbing it in. He is now chasing “ideas” spending nights “researching” things. We already have very stressful jobs, I’m worried about him.

Wr are not poor, pretty comfortable but have salaries and mortgages like everyone else. We live a middle class life though and quite happy with it.

I could have written your message about my BIL and SIL. We've always done really well and they came into some money and started lording it all over us.

They're still knobs though. Just rich ones.

I just smile and carry on. I was happy with life before they got rich, and equally happy after.

Concentrate on what makes you happy and just ignore them. They'll get over it and realise that money is lovely but doesn't change who they are or how people regard them or treat them.

Exactamundo!

Not marriage, nor children or even her DH becoming a millionaire has made her happy. Only inadequate people need to pull other people down to make them feel good about themselves. Whether it's your relationship or careers, she's jealous of something you have that she doesn't like all bullies. She's not going to change so the only thing you can change is your attitudes. Rise above it. If you have to meet her at family dos make up a code that only you two know. Secretely play bingo, guess before you go how many times she'll brag about her money, how many times she says how clever kids are, decide a prize between you for who gets closest. Show your DH how ridiculous it is to try and compete with her, you're comfortably off with a lovely family you don't need more or to be miserable like her.

Therapy for both of you, especially your husband. There are unpleasant and toxic people everywhere and you can't control them. You should get to the bottom of why it bothers you both so much and learn how to best disconnect from her.

Ignore her otherwise, you will make yourself truly miserable. Is there is bit of the green eyed monster going on?

Why worry about what she says and thinks? Both ignore her or even better stop talking to her completely and get on with your own happy lives.

You must drop them, they are toxic.

You need to drop her from your life. She's never going to be content with her lot in life. She's a self centred person and while she's family, you don't have to actually spend time with her.

I think you've had a bit of a hard time here. I don't think people are acknowledging how damaging a dynamic like this can be. Your husband has had decades of his sister being unpleasant and getting away with it.

Say the fact that you were technically doing better than them was the one thing your husband had to cling onto whenever she was being awful. If that's taken away, then I can see how mentally it's bringing him down and making him want to regain the upper hand. I don't think it's as clear cut as jealousy.

You and your husband are never going to change her or his parents by the sound of it. So think about what you can practically do to make you feel better. Minimal contact? Therapy? Plan something nice to do just you and your children that will reconnect you to what's important? Whatever will work, do that. Your husband could make ten million next year, she will still find a way to be awful (you copied them, you couldn't let them be successful etc etc). There's no point him working himself to a nervous breakdown. It's very easy to say go no contact and ignore, but when it's very close family it can feel like a very big step. Almost a bereavement, so I can see how you've ended up here all these years later. Wishing you both well.

My bil is like this, he married an heiress and her parents bought up half of Somerset for them so they have a huge property portfolio.

He talks shit about where I live and even had an tantrum when someone else dare suggest we might be getting a tube station. He also feeds my small child chocolate when we saw him on three occasions to demonstrate that this perfect child is not allowed to eat junk. We have two children and rhey could only have one and he goes on and on about our large family and tiny salaries (I feel we are very lucky to earn over £80K personally!) My DH doesn't do confrontation and has selective hearing so I would come away from these encounters angry and exhausted and no-one else would notice.

I don't see them, I don't talk to them and I don't have their numbers. It is a shame as their child is lovely but being constantly put down by someone is no way to live. Life is hard enough and I'm much happier. I can easily go three or four years without seeing them at all. Very occasionally there is a joint Christmas but he has never made any effort to speak to me.

Yeah. It’s hard to break out of old habits and I get the feeling perhaps this comparing and fixation on who has more has been encouraged, maybe modelled early by husbands parents? If not then it’s definitely v important to both of you.
you do need to break this cycle.

it’s not doing anyone any good.
the next time sil starts I’d abruptly change the subject to something else of common interest. Keep doing it and when she asks why you are butting in and talking over her just be honest. Tell her this incessant boasting and comparing lifestyles is creating tension. Emphasise that it’s great she has money but it’s unnecessary to acknowledge it continually and if that’s all she wants to talk about you’d rather not listen.
if it continues just distance and tell your husband why.

Oh please remember this is not about you all. What comes out of someone's mouth is all about them not about the person they are saying it to. Cherish all that you have and stand for and keep doing what you are doing. Aak yourself why does she feel the need to regurgitate all that she has and does ,you don't feel that need do you? Enjoy YOUR life, leave her to hers.

DHs mental health is getting impacted over all these remarks

Then he either needs to get over it; or have therapy to help him get over it.

Why can’t he - and you - just call her out on it? Tell her you are fed up to the back teeth of her rude shit, reduce contact as much as you can, and then tell her to stop it - every single comment.

@Delphinous78 ”My DH doesn't do confrontation and has selective hearing so I would come away from these encounters angry and exhausted and no-one else would notice.”

THIS ! My story and life for 15yrs. I’m exhausted and very angry at having had to downplay everything we had or accomplished. To be put down, nasty comments on our choices.

tbh, I am a bit worried about the belittling and rubbing in that will start coming our way now that SILs husband sold his company.
That money by itself won’t make her happy, it’s only if she has something more than others, will she be happy. it has already been unbearable for me, and my husband doesn’t see it

I really like my DB but only see him once a year ish, why do you see her ? I am not understanding why once you established she’s not that nice you’re still spending time with her ?

Because we live 10mins away from in-laws and she is always around there whining. Either MIL brings her here or we end up going around (to drop off groceries, collect something etc)

Yes. OP clearly thinks she is better than the SIL because she has a career. Even though the SIL "went back to uni for a masters, and then found a job straight after" 🤔

Although the SIL sounds like a complete pain, OP cannot see the mote in her own eye.

@User55567 I mean, come on now, we all know those sorts who talk about their money and success and love a shameless brag and most people smile and ignore, even mock them to their other half behind closed doors and then we move on, stay in our own lane and forget it.

I wouldn't have her belittle us or be disrespectful but I'd simply shut her down on the spot with a statement about us working hard and being proud of what we've achieved. However, you are being way too OTT and it's coming over as the green eyed monster. Even if she is rude and tactless you need to get a grip of your emotions and admit to yourself that she's not making you or your DH feel inadequate if you're happy with your lot. The only thing you can control is your life, your ventures, your finances, your sensitivities. You can't hate her because she fell on her feet, the whole "she doesn't deserve it, it's not fair" stuff is as bad as the "I'm such a perfect wife, I knew I was made for luxury"... Which by the way sounds like something I'd say in gest, is it in gest but you're taking it extremely??

Either say something or just leave it!
You’re not going to change how the family handle your SIL, you can only change your reaction.
Be happy for all you have.

BTW you haven’t said if you’re South Asian. I know from my South Asian friends certainly amongst them anyway they’re always having issues with their SILs!

That is so funny. My DH is south Asian and I cannot abide his sisters. It's not a problem though as I refuse to spend time with them

Just keep saying, “ Yes, we all get it! You are considerably more richer than us.” If you and DP find it hilarious she’ll have to stop.