How to deal with nasty SIL suddenly become very rich

[User55567]

SIL (DHs sister) was very mean and bitter to us from Day1. DH and I have stable professional jobs and we worked very hard with zero family support. SIL didn’t have a job/ had no intentions of having one. She wanted to find a rich guy and just enjoy life. She spent 8 years on the hunt, while living with her parents. She then went back to uni for a masters, and then found a job straight after. This time she found a guy with “potential”. She married him and promptly quit her job and had 2 children.

All good, but all though these 15yrs of looking, finding and being with this guy, she constantly made snide remarks about our incomes, jobs, any thing nice we had, our holiday, everything. She constantly made in-laws put pressure on us to gift her things, while giving nothing in return. In-laws gave her property to “compensate”, bought her expensive things and constantly felt sorry for her and her “one income” lifestyle. Her husband once lost his job and still she won’t get a job saying “it’s his problem to sort out, I won’t take the stress”

She constantly told her brother about how her kids get a parent to look after them, about how bright her kids are etc, and how she “sacrificed” a career (she never had one!) because her kids mean more than money to her. All this while telling us we seem to have a lot of money because we both earn.

Now, her husband made a few million € in under a year as a small business he started as a side hustle really took off. She now can’t stop bragging and how she knew she is always meant for luxury, how she is the best wife (taking credit for his business success) and how her children are so lucky because they are set for life.. It seems to her like some “victory” over us. I already speak to her bare minimum - kept distance over the years.

DHs mental health is getting impacted over all these remarks and constant rubbing it in. He is now chasing “ideas” spending nights “researching” things. We already have very stressful jobs, I’m worried about him.

Wr are not poor, pretty comfortable but have salaries and mortgages like everyone else. We live a middle class life though and quite happy with it.

Thank you. I had a conversation about this last night.

I think we have the same SIL ! 😂

Grey rock? 🪨

You can't change her, so i would go minimal contact. DH though, he must have a lot of past wounds from this. Would he consider therapy to address this? Or even do some inner work privately, to help him work through his emotions. E.g. Nicole LePera's "how to do the work" book is very helpful in dealing with difficult family relationships. It will be easier for you to deal with SIL as you don't have the years of dealing with her in your formative years, and the favouritism/unfair parental treatment. It might not be something DH wants to consider, I know alas many men still aren't as open to such things, thats to how society has raised them, but he could probably find a way to a lot of emotional freedom and peace if he is willing to look deeper and address the emotions he will have to have supressed growing up with this dynamic.

Ah I'd just deal with it upfront every time

If in front of your children saying hers are luckier than yours 'would you mind not saying that where the children can hear you? I want them to not focus on materialistic things or feel your children are better than them'

If she's just hashing out the same brags over and over 'it feels like you're trying to put down my life, I really am glad you have/do XYZ, but I don't want to be put down for not living the same life as you, we are happy as we are and always hope you are happy too'

I have someone similar in my family. It's exhausting and can get you down. No advice but solidarity!

Imagine being the poor husband though. He was probably under enormous pressure to generate more income for this SIL who “ knew” she was “ meant “ for luxury. Who knows how he’s done it or if it might open up cans of worms . It could be fine . Sometimes side hustles throw up issues.

However, none of this impacts ( or should impact) on you or DH. As you were: keep calm and carry on.

It does sound both of you are giving this way too much headspace. Hopefully this is just your way of adjusting to the new dynamic and once you have got your head around it, it won't provoke such strong feelings in you.

Cmon now. I’m fairly positive the husband and rhe sil would have a very different take on this from the op who dislikes her sil and is envious. Potentially even that’s why the ops husband is doing what he is, as the op is so envious. Who knows. Only one thing is absolutely certain, if the sil and husband put their version down it would be very different indeed.

You're going her and MIL too much of your bandwidth.

Go low contact, do it for your kids and your DH and get on with your otherwise happy stable life. Take their power away.

"She carefully picks her social circle, where everyone is “less than” her. "

"something nasty is slipped into conversations every single time!"

OP, come on now, you can't miss the irony of these statements, surely.

She wants me to stay these kind of things. She’ll start drama about how I find faults with everything she says and how she is always walking on eggshells around me.

I have a family member who talks out of their arse. I travelled a long way for an event and when we arrived at the venue the level of conversation was tedious. She was talking about what her neighbours have expensive hairdryers and designer clothes, okay anything else. Some people are simple minded and only focus on material. I am very low contact with her I can't bare it.

Well then you're not doing it properly then, the best way to do it is to publicly shame her for making those comments as soon as she makes them.

loud voice: 'What do you mean you don't think my kids are as clever as yours?' 'what a horrible thing for an auntie to say!'

Just call her out on it, but DON'T get angry about it, if she says 'I'm walking on eggshells' then just say with a smile: 'well you wouldn't be if you kept you're snotty opinions to yourself in the first place' make a joke of it, and laugh when you say it like it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard: 'what do you want me to do just sit here quietly while you insult my husband and kids?!!'

You need to either grey rock/ignore and be happy with that (which you're obviously not), or just TELL HER! For your husbands and children's sake I'd just tell her personally, but take the piss out of her rather than shout at her, she bullies you and him and your children and you let her.

Absolutely !
You can't blame your dh's mental health struggle and jealousy on her. If you don't like her don't have meet ups with her or set a boundary about entering into discussions
About finances- it's on you to set the boundaries

She has lovely and happy kids - I don't think that's 'nothing' op and this commenter are very judgmental and sound jealous

I think the issue here is less your SIL (who sounds annoying) and more your husband's reaction to her.

DHs mental health is getting impacted over all these remarks and constant rubbing it in. He is now chasing “ideas” spending nights “researching” things

This isn't a normal reaction to some saddo bragging about money. Sounds like you all need to disengage a bit and your husband needs to think about why it's affecting him so much.

Where is the irony here??

Just sounds as though the parents have completely indulged her and probably set their children up to compete with one another. She won’t change.

Just be glad that you value the right things, you work hard and appreciate the simple things in life, continue to teach this to your children. She sounds like a very uninteresting person to be around if her only conversation is to boast about how wonderful she is. Ask her about the last book she read as you are after a recommendation. Attempt to switch the conversation away from her shallow bragging.

His family dynamics seem very unhealthy and he would really benefit from some therapy to break free from the shackles.

My brother is now a multimillionaire.
We aren't close, and to be honest he's a pretty big asshole, but I'm pretty proud of his business sense. He's smart and he always wanted to be rich. I'm happy for him.

Sounds like they had some hard years and those tough times are paying off. Just be happy for them. Sounds like things are turning around which is great for the kids.

What was her partners side hustle?

It sounds as though their parents have indulged and favoured her and set their children up to compete with one another. They won't change and neither will she. The only thing you DH can do is to change what is in his control. That is things like how frequently he sees & speaks to them, so he could go low contact. How much he engages with them, you can be there but grey rock and not taking on their issues. He could get therapy to help deal with the mental health impacts and to learn how to deal with future behaviour so he won't be so effected by it. Ultimately they won't change, so what he needs to do is find a way to cope with his relationship with them so that it doesn't have a big impact on his mentally health.

You don't need to "deal" with it. Just step away and have as little contact as possible with her - and suggest your husband do the same.

Just go no contact problem solved. You do sound over involved in her life.