To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Honestly some men
are just so selfish. No wonder you're flabbergasted.

I mean it is his body and he can say no but he should be respectful about it. I also hate hormonal birth control but my husband is happy using condoms - is that an alternative you could agree on?

Hopefully it was a kneejerk response and he soon will realise what a selfish eejit that makes him😡

How would you have responded if he'd asked you to get your tubes tied?

Im sorry you’ve had such an awful time.
I think he has every right not to have or want a vasectomy. But what he said was very selfish and inconsiderate of all you have been through. I would be very angry too xx

Can't comprehend why anyone would vote YABU. What an utterly selfish awful thing to say/think. How dare he let you be absolutely battered and torn and then just sit there on his high horse saying he won't 'put himself through' a minor op (my H had it, it was v minor) to save you mental and physical anguish.

Is he normally an absolute prick?

How was he feeling about the last pregnancy? Does he want another child? The flabbergasted is natural, but vasectomy is permanent, and it is his body.

I'd be devastated by that response & think you two really need to be able to discuss this.

Maybe try writing a list of all the things your body has been through as a result of being impregnated & ask him to read it aloud to you - make him understand what you have already put yourself through which is more than most.

Getting the snip for him is something like 20 minutes in & out of a local a surgery & (generally) just some discomfort for a while after. Then it's regular ejaculations to clear the system out... Really not fucking much at all compared to what you have literally suffered!

I'm trying not to be mad on your behalf & am failing miserably.

This is actually a really great idea. Thank you. Yes I'm usually very positive and just push on through but this has floored me. He's usually really great all round. And is a good husband and dad.

His body his choice and vasectomy isn’t risk free.

He's usually a great man. All round.

Men can be funny about vasectomy. Mine refused! He'd worked in a hospital and seen the aftermath of men having had one. I'd had fertility investigations, and three c/sections so I wasn't best impressed! In the end I had tubal ligation when I had my 3rd c/section. I was well pissed off though.

It's really not a major thing! Yes there is 'discomfort' but for most guys only a few days- it doesn't compare to child birth at all even though they think it does. DH got snipped when we were early 40's as we had completed our family- he was sore but back at work 2 days later (desk job mostly) Was a bit black and blue! I'd do as prev poster suggested- list what you have put your body through.

Reading the OP, pregnancy's a much bigger risk to her.

His body. His choice. He might feel differently in time. Why don’t you get your tubes tied or use a Dutch cap or something?

I’ve seen PVPS patients treated with morphine.

Then maybe OP should be the one taking action.

I'm sorry to hear what a hard time you've had, so I can understand where you're coming from but it has to be the choice of the individual whether to undergo surgery and there are many other methods of both control.

I'm shocked by your response.

You seem to be suggesting that a woman whose body has already been through hell, torn, battered and still painful, might as well put it through even more trauma, because ...

... what? The alternative might be difficult for her husband, or he may want to father children elsewhere? Or just because, y'know, women suffer pain as god intended??

Any man who can watch his wife go through even a single pregnancy and not be ready to volunteer for a vasectomy when the couple is ready to stop procreating is selfish. Compared to years of side effects and the dangers of birth control and the risks with pregnancy it is absolutely trivial.

the simple solution is that you don’t have sex anymore. Yes, a marriage with sex would be preferable, but if you don’t want to risk being pregnant again, then it is perfectly reasonable to decide the risk is not worth the benefit.

he can make his choice to minimize his own risk, but you need to make the choice the minimizes risk for you.

I wouldn’t be sterilised myself so I can’t imagine insisting someone who doesn’t want to did. It’s his body I think he can say “no”

Neither is most birth control
Neither is pregnancy.

Tell him he will need to wear a condom from here on out.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy that's his choice. He shouldn't be bullied into it

we don’t want kids as too old. I am in the pill but want to cone off it. He will not get a vasectomy as he says he will feel not a proper man. Will use condoms but we both not a fan. Done lots of education and he is still not for it.

I respect it’s his body. He respects it’s my body. I suspect my want if no kids will make me stay on the pill.