Would this annoy you? Friend never wishing DH a happy birthday?

[Antiguadreams]

Not sure if I’m being uncharacteristically sensitive this morning, but it’s just dawned on me that over the past 12 years my closest friend (met when we were 11, best friends since) has never wished my husband a happy birthday.

It only dawned on me as I was spending a bit of time looking into what to get for her DH last night for his birthday coming up in a few weeks, as he is going through a ‘funky sock phase’ and I wanted to get something funny.

DH and I have been married for 8 years, dating for 12, she met her now DH around the same time (both met our spouses at uni) and we were close enough as a 4, now as a 6 (since both having our first children last year) as we meet up monthly for meals, BBQs in the summer, spend more time together now with the little ones too, but they’ve never sent him a card for his birthday, no FB message, no text, and definitely no gifts.

We are big gifters in general and get a lot of pleasure trying to find something nice for people so have always put a lot of thought into his birthday, over the past 12 years we’ve had hard times but even when money was tight I’d still get him one of those funny IPA beers at Tesco (with the weird names) and write a joke on the tag that tied in to the beers name, or just a nice card etc.

Before I get more and more annoyed by this now I’ve clocked it, would this piss you off? Am I being unreasonable to think this is a bit shitty? (And to cover off the expected question, no money is not tight for them, nor is it for us at present so it’s not a financial issue either side)

You like to do gifts. They don't. Why are you making your long term friendship transactional?

I don’t even know when my friends husband’s birthdays are 🤷‍♀️ these are friends I’m very close with and spend time with their husbands regularly. It’s a non issue tbh
if you don’t like the lack of reciprocation then stop

It’s a bit shitty that they aren’t reciprocating but have you only just realised?

Just stop buying for him.

I might wish a friend's husband happy birthday over Fb if it pops up, but I don't go beyond that. Sending a card for best friend's dh for his 40th was my exception. I'm friendly with my friends husbands, but they're not my focus in any way, so doesn't occur to me to gift or even acknowledge their birthdays most of the time. Same goes the other way around for them and my dh.

Mind you, me and my dh rarely (very rarely!) socialise together with friends as couples, so perhaps the dynamic is different?

Anyway, rather than getting annoyed, just scale back or stop the gifts your side. Then you'll feel less resentful.

I wouldn't be offended, but I would also stop buying gifts for him and just get a card.

I don't buy presents for any of my friends' husbands (unless it's a big birthday and they have a party).

I have no clue when my friends partners birthdays even are! Just stop with the gifts and send a card if you are that way inclined.

I have absolutely no idea when even my closest friends’ spouses’ birthdays are. You clearly like giving people presents, but not everyone is as invested as you are. Anyway, why are you getting so cross about it all of a sudden 12 years in?

Do they acknowledge your birthday?

We have friends we spend a fair amount of time with. I’ve been friends with her since childhood and our DHs get on well. Short of a message on our group chat, we don’t do birthday presents or cards unless it’s a ‘big’ birthday. Instead, we take it in turns each year to organise an outing as couples. A comedy show or similar.

If you’re annoyed they don’t acknowledge his birthday, stop buying for them.

YABU. I've never done anything for a friend's husband's birthday. I wouldn't have a clue when any of them are. You've chosen to set up an unusual expectation by treating your friend's husband's birthday like a family one and it's clearly an expectation he doesn't want to reciprocate.

I get gifts for friends if I buy gifts not their partners just because you do gifts does not mean others do

You can't be that bothered if you've only realised now, 12 years later.

You sound looks a good friend op. It’s a nice thing to buy a little present for people. All you can do in life is be the best version of yourself. Don’t let it eat you up. Enjoy giving.

Why are you buying for your friend’s husband? Just stop. I might say happy birthday on FB to a friend’s husband if it pops up on FB when I’m in a position to actually do it, otherwise nothing. If they aren’t on FB the only way I’d know is if my friend said they were doing something nice for the birthday. Even with my friend of 23 years, when kids came on the scene we stopped buying for each other and just bought for kids.

I think YABU. I don't know when my friends' husbands' birthdays are and I have certainly never given them a present, apart from one who I knew as a friend before they got together.
I have never had a card or present from any of DH's friends and would find that very odd indeed.
TBH I don't even get my sisters' partners presents or birthday cards unless I am seeing them on the day.

No idea when friends' husbands have their birthday except one which is close to my own. Even then i don't bother and they don't bother with my husband's birthday. It's a non issue. I wouldn't expect my husband's friends to bother with mine. Does your husband's friends bother with yours?

YABU. This is something you like to do which is lovely, but that’s your standard and not your friends, she hasn’t signed up to an expectation that partners gets birthday wishes/ cards/gifts, and it’s not a standard expectation (I have no idea when my friends partners birthdays are, and some I’ve known for 20 years or more) so it’s not unreasonable that she wouldn’t share your view that this is a thing, but if it will make you resentful then stop.

If you don't like the giving not being reciprocal, stop from your side. Otherwise I think just accept that this is how it is - you're 'gifters'; they're not.

I've only ever given a gift or card when my friends' husbands have been celebrating a significant birthday and/or throwing a party to celebrate.
And just checking, does your husband even notice the absence of a card or gift from them?

I genuinely have no clue when my friends’ partners’ birthdays are! And I suspect even if they mentioned it I wouldn’t get a card/ gift unless they had a party/ dinner to which I was invited.

Just don’t buy for him.

YABU

My best friends and I don’t acknowledge DHs birthdays. Maybe on fb as a max.

DHs also don’t acknowledge our birthdays.

I buy for my friends and their kids, but not DHs.

My DH and his male friends may exchange a whatsapp, they don’t even do gifts and cards for eachother.

You said it yourself OP that you are big into buying gifts, maybe they just aren't like that. It shouldn't be done because you expect something in return. If you want, just stop buying for him.

I don't know my friend's partner's birthdays - why would I?

Yabu. I don't buy anything for my bfs DH.

I don't know why you've carried this on when its never been reciprocated.

I know one husbands birthday well.
A) It’s the day before mine
B) we had ten years at school together before his wife entered the scene.

I know another husbands birthday week as it’s near a girlfriends birthday.

After that, nope. Might see a reference on fb but that’s it.

People have very differing habits and attitudes around birthdays. I'd say that your habit of buying gifts for your friend's husband is much more unusual than her habit of ignoring your husband's birthday.
You have to shrug it off. You have no more reason to get annoyed with your differing habits than she does. (It might well be annoying to be unintentionally guilted out by a friend's unnecessary acknowledgement of a family birthday.)
If I were you I would just stop getting gifts for her husband and not think about it again