Would this annoy you? Friend never wishing DH a happy birthday?

[Antiguadreams]

Not sure if I’m being uncharacteristically sensitive this morning, but it’s just dawned on me that over the past 12 years my closest friend (met when we were 11, best friends since) has never wished my husband a happy birthday.

It only dawned on me as I was spending a bit of time looking into what to get for her DH last night for his birthday coming up in a few weeks, as he is going through a ‘funky sock phase’ and I wanted to get something funny.

DH and I have been married for 8 years, dating for 12, she met her now DH around the same time (both met our spouses at uni) and we were close enough as a 4, now as a 6 (since both having our first children last year) as we meet up monthly for meals, BBQs in the summer, spend more time together now with the little ones too, but they’ve never sent him a card for his birthday, no FB message, no text, and definitely no gifts.

We are big gifters in general and get a lot of pleasure trying to find something nice for people so have always put a lot of thought into his birthday, over the past 12 years we’ve had hard times but even when money was tight I’d still get him one of those funny IPA beers at Tesco (with the weird names) and write a joke on the tag that tied in to the beers name, or just a nice card etc.

Before I get more and more annoyed by this now I’ve clocked it, would this piss you off? Am I being unreasonable to think this is a bit shitty? (And to cover off the expected question, no money is not tight for them, nor is it for us at present so it’s not a financial issue either side)

Would this piss you off? Am I being unreasonable to think this is a bit shitty?

Why did you even ask these questions, OP when you just want to assert that everyone who answers in a way you don't like is at best wrong and at worst 'a bit shit.'?

I have 2 best friends. Both female. We go to a great effort for eachother most years, apart from times when we feeling the pinch. We always get for the kids as well.

We don’t consider our husbands to be in our friendship group. Not sure why you’re struggling to understand this.

I would never buy a present for my friend's partner. I certainly wouldn't expect him to buy me one. So you bought him a beer from Tesco and some socks. Stop buying him stuff. He does not want or need cards and gifts from his wife's friends. Most adult men know what they like and buy it for themselves. I would struggle severely to buy a gift for my FiL, even my DH tbh as he has everything he wants/ needs.
I would not care that my friend did not wish my partner a happy birthday. Why would they? I don't think I've ever known when any of their b'days even was? What difference does it make anyway. If you want loads of empty birthday wishes you need only log into Facebook. But I bet he could not be any less bothered.
Just stick to exchanging gifts with people who like to do so, or close family/ partners only. Gifting on birthdays/ xmas for adults is massively overrated.

No, no it is not sad at all. We think it's hilarious. But then again, after being friends for 30 YEARS, we buy each other random pressies occasionally, nothing expensive, just an 'I thought of you ' thing.
I have no problem maintaining friendships - or is 30 years not long enough to be defined as a maintained friendship?
BTW, we are more than semi-decent people, and neither of us would be judging other people for buying or not buying presents
You can't have a very robust friendship with this woman if you haven't the guts to tell her that not acknowledging your DHs birthday pisses you off

None of my friends have any idea when my DH’s birthday is. I have carefully culled people from my life who get their knickers in a twist about gifts for adults outside the family, and life is so much less conflictual and dramatic as a result.

What a sad life you must lead to not find pleasure in the basics

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable, but perhaps there are areas of your friendship that if they thought about it, they put 100% of the effort in and you put less or even 0%.

If you value and appreciate their friendship overall, then maybe focus on all the times they have given you 100%, rather than this one instance where, for whatever reason, they haven't.

Never have I ever sent or said anything to my best friend's husband for his birthday. And if my friend chose to get annoyed at me for that, I would seriously question our 25-year-long friendship.

You’re quite vile op. There’s a reason why no one is agreeing with you.

i don’t understand how you can’t see that’s an entirely different situation.

we meet up as couples

we friends with both people

the friendship group is a 4

Ok, fair enough. That sounds exhausting to be honest but it’s nice you make the effort for your friends.

I do see your point that the effort it would take pop a HBD message in return is minimal. I’d put this down to forgetting rather than anything malicious, most adults don’t have a calendar full of friends birthdays as it’s just not their priority. Given they are otherwise good friends, I wouldn’t be offended by it.

What a sad life you must lead to not find pleasure in the basics

What an unimaginative life you must lead to set so much store in convention and use it to feel superior.

Obsessively exchanging tat and platitudes is not "the basics".

Many people don't see adult birthdays as that important. Unless you think that your long term friends are deliberately trying to upset your husband they probably think he is not that bothered and so don't bother either. You sound like you are looking for issues. How upset is your dh about this?

So many responses here saying they have better things to do, yet you are determined to push the view that we are all crap with crap friends because someone I haven't spoken to 'in forever' (stupid phrase) hasn't sent me a birthday text?
Does the number of friends one has validate them in your eyes?

You seem to see this as a different dynamic than everyone else, including your own friends apparently.

The first people to become close friends were you and your female friend. Husbands came much later. Just because you hang out as 4 sometimes doesn’t mean the husbands see it as a same level of friendship as you have with your female friend.

Right.
OP calling everyone ‘shit’, indecent, and ‘sad life’ is so rude. Why are you incapable of seeing most people disagree with you, OP?

YABU it's not her DH she doesn't need to get him a gift. You're also being unreasonable for getting her Dh a gift every year when she doesn't care to reciprocate one for your dh. Stop getting him presents!

Just like I don’t see my DH’s mates as my mates. No idea when their bdays are.

so now we are lying?

The key is that you are a “big gifter”. That doesn’t mean other people have to be.

I find gifts a bit of a waste of energy. Well, I like giving people flowers cut from my garden, but I don’t like buying things as they so often miss the mark.

Also op, gift giving is because you want to give a gift. It shouldn’t be transactional as you’re making it. Same with birthday messaging etc.

Same here. Friends of 40+ years and it never occurs to us to buy their husbands gifts on birthdays (which we don't even know the dates of).

I agree with this - I think there's a real misunderstanding from the OP about the difference between actual friends and couple friends.
Your friend socialises with your DH because you are married to him, I'm sure they get on fine but they are probably not friend friends, like you two are.

Similarly with her husband, would you meet up without the others? Would you confide in him the way you do her? Probably not. I highly doubt if your friend got divorced that you would seek to maintain the friendship with her DH. It's just a different dynamic.

I like my friend's partners enough, we sometimes socialise, but I have no idea of their birthdays and don't expect them to know or care about mine.

half-term is never-ending...