Would this annoy you? Friend never wishing DH a happy birthday?

[Antiguadreams]

Not sure if I’m being uncharacteristically sensitive this morning, but it’s just dawned on me that over the past 12 years my closest friend (met when we were 11, best friends since) has never wished my husband a happy birthday.

It only dawned on me as I was spending a bit of time looking into what to get for her DH last night for his birthday coming up in a few weeks, as he is going through a ‘funky sock phase’ and I wanted to get something funny.

DH and I have been married for 8 years, dating for 12, she met her now DH around the same time (both met our spouses at uni) and we were close enough as a 4, now as a 6 (since both having our first children last year) as we meet up monthly for meals, BBQs in the summer, spend more time together now with the little ones too, but they’ve never sent him a card for his birthday, no FB message, no text, and definitely no gifts.

We are big gifters in general and get a lot of pleasure trying to find something nice for people so have always put a lot of thought into his birthday, over the past 12 years we’ve had hard times but even when money was tight I’d still get him one of those funny IPA beers at Tesco (with the weird names) and write a joke on the tag that tied in to the beers name, or just a nice card etc.

Before I get more and more annoyed by this now I’ve clocked it, would this piss you off? Am I being unreasonable to think this is a bit shitty? (And to cover off the expected question, no money is not tight for them, nor is it for us at present so it’s not a financial issue either side)

How hard is it to just be a semi decent person and remember someone’s birthday!

Are you kidding me?

I have a lot of friends. And a lot of immediate family members. And a lot of responsibilities, work, life shit to do and think about. There'd be a birthday literally every few days if I monitored them all. Being your friend sounds utterly, utterly exhausting.

Oh come off it, not sending a friend a happy birthday text is a bit shit is it not?

I still get texts from people I worked with decades ago on my birthday just wishing me a nice day and I haven’t seen or spoken to them in forever

I'd always rather spend time with people than get a card or gift. I've got what I need and don't need extra clutter/landfill/recycling.

That’s great for you but you are in the minority I think.

In no way are my 2 best friends of over 15 years more like my DH than me.

I still get texts from people I worked with decades ago on my birthday just wishing me a nice day and I haven’t seen or spoken to them in forever

Well that's kinda the point we're making. Those texts mean FA really, just platitudes prompted by SM. Actually seeing people and talking to them are the fundamentals of good friendship.

Of course it is

But I’d still wager most would consider it shit if their friend didn’t acknowledge their birthday at all. No text, no card, nothing

i have a dear friend who is very into gift giving.

Gifts for everything- children's birthdays, first day at school, DH birthday, mine, going on holiday gifts just everything. It's lovely but I can't financially keep up at all and that embarrasses me. Plus she has 4 kids to my 2 and so keeping track of their birthdays and christmas and easter eggs and congratulations on being in the school play just wears me out at every level. I've tried to ask her to scale it back by 'let's do just Christmas presents this year' for example but she keeps going because she 'loves giving gifts'.

Maybe you are the same- it might be overwhelming to the person if you are a person who keeps track of everything and gives gifts, and has a tally in your head.

I don't understand why adults are fussed about gifts for other adults - particularly a former colleague. That's really odd.

OP - 'Would this annoy you'

Most people - 'No it wouldn't'

OP - 'no wonder you're all horrid with no friends'

😂😂😂😂

so are you telling me if your close friends and family didn’t acknowledge your birthday at all you’d be all groovy about it?

pull the other one

Um I duno none of my friends really buy eachother gifts, we're thoughtful and get together but not really into gift buying.

I don't think it's particularly shitty. She can't do anything about the fact that you buy her DH gifts.

I don't struggle with adult friendships at all but gift buying just isn't part of it for me.

Don’t be ridiculous!

P.s. I don't struggle with adult friendships or relationships at all. I've got lots. But I don't expect my friends to make a fuss on my birthday, much less my spouse's birthday (WTF?), and they don't expect it from me. They have their own shit going on.

You can make this super important to you if you like. But you are the outlier. way, way out

Also, the ones that "struggle with adult friendships and relationships" on MN are quite likely to be the people that post about perceived slights that are in fact nothing of the kind. As in this OP.

Is it really ‘we’ who’s making the effort? Or is it you who remembers all the dates, goes and buys a lovely gift and tags your DH name on the card?

Your friend makes an effort for your birthday. She doesn’t make the effort to return gifts that have been given to her DH.

Who said it’s about gifts?

I clearly mentioned in the post not even a text or card. How hard is that? They give their neighbours a pissing card for their dogs birthday each year

Don’t forgot your original post also refers to you making an effort to buy presents. Many of us also don’t see this as important.

For several years, some of my friends and I have agreed not to do presents for eachother, just to get presents for the kids.

Yep we. We have a joint calendar for birthdays, DH 8/10 is the one who usually chooses and shops for my friend as they are more similar in terms of hobbies and interests! He also does every member of his family and most of the men in our other couple friendship groups.

again, is sending a message in the group chat really that much effort?

No, that's not shit. That really is an entirely normal way for adults to behave and has zero bearing on their quality of friendship.

You clearly place a lot of importance on birthdays being marked, that's fine. But if you continue to insist all your friends think the same way as you you will end up disappointed.

I mention it in that we make an effort. I don’t care about a gift back, but when we give 100% and they give 0% that’s what the reality is

I certainly wouldn't expect a friend's spouse to acknowledge it, which was your point. My mum, DH, DC make a fuss of me and get me a book or something I've asked for, but I'm in my 40s now and they've learned not to get me random gifts I don't want. Same with friends - after years of unwanted smellies or earrings I'd never wear etc, we don't do that. We go for a meal, but not with their husbands. It's nice for you have this coupley thing going as you obviously set a lot of store by it, but I'm not trying to be extreme and say no one ever wants their birthday acknowledging. As I said, simply trying to make you see that it's not sad and other people are not the same as you so ease off.

Op you lost everyone by saying we’re not good at friendships because we don’t celebrate DHs’ birthdays. You’re out of your mind.

Not in the least. Neither of us think birthdays are a big deal any more.

Nope. I said those who don’t seem to care about even marking their friends birthdays are a bit shit.

I also highly doubt most of those saying that wouldn’t be pissed off if their closest friend of god knows how long didn’t even text them on their birthday.

And those going on about life admin, please…

I agree with everyone else & think this is a very odd thing to obsess about. I honestly couldn’t care less about people remembering mine or DH’s birthday. I’m not on social media so happy to fly under the radar! My DH is the same. People have different priorities.

I clearly mentioned in the post not even a text or card. How hard is that? They give their neighbours a pissing card for their dogs birthday each year

Okay then if you don't like them - or they don't like your DH - that's different. Who knows. But to your original point, no, most people wouldn't be annoyed by the situation you set out, whether gift, card, or FB message. It's not important and it's not sad or unusual to hold that view. YA still BU.