Would this annoy you? Friend never wishing DH a happy birthday?

[Antiguadreams]

Not sure if I’m being uncharacteristically sensitive this morning, but it’s just dawned on me that over the past 12 years my closest friend (met when we were 11, best friends since) has never wished my husband a happy birthday.

It only dawned on me as I was spending a bit of time looking into what to get for her DH last night for his birthday coming up in a few weeks, as he is going through a ‘funky sock phase’ and I wanted to get something funny.

DH and I have been married for 8 years, dating for 12, she met her now DH around the same time (both met our spouses at uni) and we were close enough as a 4, now as a 6 (since both having our first children last year) as we meet up monthly for meals, BBQs in the summer, spend more time together now with the little ones too, but they’ve never sent him a card for his birthday, no FB message, no text, and definitely no gifts.

We are big gifters in general and get a lot of pleasure trying to find something nice for people so have always put a lot of thought into his birthday, over the past 12 years we’ve had hard times but even when money was tight I’d still get him one of those funny IPA beers at Tesco (with the weird names) and write a joke on the tag that tied in to the beers name, or just a nice card etc.

Before I get more and more annoyed by this now I’ve clocked it, would this piss you off? Am I being unreasonable to think this is a bit shitty? (And to cover off the expected question, no money is not tight for them, nor is it for us at present so it’s not a financial issue either side)

Why are you annoyed at your friend for not sending a gift on behalf of her husband? Her DH is the one accepting your gifts, if he has no intention of reciprocating perhaps he should politely decline.

Presumably you give your friend a birthday gift and she returns one to you? It’s not her responsibility to be manning any gifts her DH may need to send/receive.

Either way YABU. Some people love buying gifts, other people find it yet another thing to stress about and I suspect most people are the latter.

Not sure where I’ve said the issue is gifts. They’ve never sent a text, said happy birthday, sent a card etc. surely that’s basic politeness

I've never bought a friends husband a birthday present, ever. I might do a card if we are celebrating with them on the day, but aside from that I don't even know when the birthdays are.
I've got so much life admin, work, kids, family - friends husbands are not even on my radar.

I’m not 😅

Im saying we always make an effort for them both, and they don’t even send a FB message for my husband.

YABU. You're giving gifts because you want to and it makes you feel nice. Other people don't set so much store by it and plenty of guys I know couldn't care less about birthday cards, or even birthdays themselves in some cases. Don't buy for him by all means, but you're the unusual/unreasonable one here. I'm a pretty good gifter and I wouldn't think of getting a friend's DH a pressie.

Yeah im definitely taking the socks out my basket!

It’s odd as every other couple we are friends with we always make an effort equally, as in both parties get a card at least, as that’s just basic friendship right?

Yes, that's a really good point, @TantrumTrouble . It is really , REALLY annoying that women are meant to be the Birthday Secretary for the whole family, especially their husbands. That is another reason why the friend might be actively annoyed by the unnecessary giving. It just adds to her mental load by requiring her to either log a reciprocal gift duty on his behalf or risk annoying the friend.

they don’t even send a FB message for my husband.

Is he really that bothered about such stuff? It's not meaningful in the way actual friendship over the years is.

Not really. Lots of people don't mark the birthdays of adults they aren't related to in any way.

We have many couple friends and everyone gets a card and gift and it’s reciprocated. I’ve never experienced this before hence the post.

That’s sad!

that’s just basic friendship right?

No, it's not. It's a choice that is fine for some people but for others is just noise, commercialism, environmentally wasteful, stressful. A distraction from the simplicity of friendship.

This would not ever enter my head, I don't know, or care what date people I knows spouses were born, and I hope they equally don't care about mine.
I don't do cards for anyone (don't understand the point). Cannot relate to this whatsoever.

Jesus Christ, it's all I can do to keep up with my own family's birthdays. An adult doesn't get a fuss made on their birthday by anyone other than their parents and their spouse!

If you say so. It's perfectly normal to me. Would get a card and a present if a friend was having a party or birthday celebration. My oldest friend and I exchange birthday cards and gifts but nobody else automatically.

I've known my best friend for 30 years. Even if you put bamboo splinters under my nails, I would struggle to remember the exact date of her birthday, same with her.
You need other things to worry about

You might have this expectation because your group does it and find it sad that others don't, but we're telling you it's normal to not do it and no one's sad about that, so chalk it up to different strokes and readjust your expectations.

Yes thankfully, if not they’d be in the bin.

It’s just odd based on the fact we have lots of couple friends and they’re the only ones who are like this, and are the ones we have collectively known the longest! Heck we only meet up with an ex colleague turned friend and her husband a few times a year and they always send the most thoughtful gifts for DH on his birthday. We’ve known them far less so didn’t think it’s that unusual!

The most my best and I do for eachother that involves DHs is wedding anniversary cards. But still that’s us women that make the effort.

Not seeing much male effort from any of these posts.

That’s really sad

I am now understanding why so many MNers struggle with adult friendships and relationships.

How hard is it to just be a semi decent person and remember someone’s birthday!

Because for tons of us it isn't important. I have some wonderful and very long-standing friendships. Birthdays and cards have fuck all to do with that.

Just because it massively matters to you doesn't mean it not mattering to most other people means they are "sad" or somehow lacking in social graces.

*That’s really sad

I am now understanding why so many MNers struggle with adult friendships and relationships.

How hard is it to just be a semi decent person and remember someone’s birthday!*

That's vastly over-extraopolating. Many MNers have great friendships and relationships and simply don't attach this meaning to birthdays. It seems pretty shallow tbh and nothing to get so sad over.

DH is the one who usually chooses my friends gift as she is far more like him in terms of hobbies and interests!

He tends to usually then do the gifts for most of the men or male partners for other couple friends. Tbh he sorts more than me if you then count his family gifts

Good lord, now you are being borderline offensive. It is perfectly possible to be a brilliant, supportive and compassionate friend without fussing over birthdays.

Your view is way out of line!

We have many many other people’s birthdays to remember - relatives, female friends, their kids, buying bday presents for kids’ bday parties from school etc. Maybe friends’ husbands is a step too far and we have to draw a line somewhere.

Nothing whatsoever to do with us struggling with relationships! Christ.