Would this annoy you? Friend never wishing DH a happy birthday?

[Antiguadreams]

Not sure if I’m being uncharacteristically sensitive this morning, but it’s just dawned on me that over the past 12 years my closest friend (met when we were 11, best friends since) has never wished my husband a happy birthday.

It only dawned on me as I was spending a bit of time looking into what to get for her DH last night for his birthday coming up in a few weeks, as he is going through a ‘funky sock phase’ and I wanted to get something funny.

DH and I have been married for 8 years, dating for 12, she met her now DH around the same time (both met our spouses at uni) and we were close enough as a 4, now as a 6 (since both having our first children last year) as we meet up monthly for meals, BBQs in the summer, spend more time together now with the little ones too, but they’ve never sent him a card for his birthday, no FB message, no text, and definitely no gifts.

We are big gifters in general and get a lot of pleasure trying to find something nice for people so have always put a lot of thought into his birthday, over the past 12 years we’ve had hard times but even when money was tight I’d still get him one of those funny IPA beers at Tesco (with the weird names) and write a joke on the tag that tied in to the beers name, or just a nice card etc.

Before I get more and more annoyed by this now I’ve clocked it, would this piss you off? Am I being unreasonable to think this is a bit shitty? (And to cover off the expected question, no money is not tight for them, nor is it for us at present so it’s not a financial issue either side)

Really really not. I wouldn't want a text off every good friend I have - way too much admin to reply to them all. I really wouldn't want a card or gift, too much responsibility to remember to reciprocate. You care about birthdays way more than the average person. I expect acknowledgment from my husband, my son and my parents. Siblings usually remember, but if it's late (usually is) that's fine.

A least three times you've judged people who aren't bothered about birthdays as sad, why can't you accept that they are simply different to you?

In my general experience excitement about birthdays is for children unless it's a 0 birthday. I actually think it's very unusual to get birthday wishes from people you haven't spoken to for years, do they not date to forget for fear of offending you?

I've also had my best friend since about 10 years old, and have known her DH nearly 20 years.
I sent him a card for his 40th birthday last year, which I think was the first time ever. I send him a token gift every Christmas (just some sweets I know he likes), but that's it.
Honestly, I don't even have his phone number. He's a lovely man, and I consider him a friend. But that's only because of our shared love of my friend/his wife.

I don't know off the top of my head when many of my friend's birthdays are. If I become aware of it (maybe from Facebook) I'll send a happy birthday text. I have absolutely no clue when any of their husband's birthdays are!

I've been mates with my 2 closest friends for over 30 years.
One of their husbands has his birthday in late January I think. No idea of the date.
I've no idea what month the other friend's husband's birthday is in.

It's not important. It's us that are friends.
Our husbands get on with each other when they're required to spend time together, but they're not friends with each other.

I had a bit of sympathy (but not empathy) with you at the start but not now with your ridiculous judgement. Back at you though; you're not actually a great gift-giver at all. Everything you do comes with terrible expectations and woe betide your friends if they don't perform for you.

Your friendship wouldn't mean a thing to me because it's all about the gifts and the measuring up. Crack on. Maybe your 'friend' will see this thread, think 'thank fuck for that', and ditch you and your spreadsheet/Argos catalogue/price list.

Yup- same. It's not "sad" FGS, I mean, by this rationale, where does it end? should I remember all their mums birthdays and their dads birthdays too?

what about their siblings and their grandparents birthdays aswell? cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews etc

All those other people might be very precious to my friend too so surely I ought to plot out their family tree out on a spreadsheet and mark them all in my calendar every year? I'll have to take out a loan at this rate to afford presents for them all 🙄

I'm thinking more about you having a sad life for this to even register as an issue.

Yep, this. I'd have no clue.

You're incredibly rude.

Never once wished a happy birthday to the husband or boyfriend of a mate. I'm assuming they've got their own mates for that and iv certainly never bought them a present!

I love buying presents and my family are also big present buyers but only for the people I actually really give a shit about!

I think this is a you thing. Buying cards and gifts for a friends husband isn't normal and so isn't probably something she wants to get involved in. She is probably cringing that you do it. Seems a bit desperate to be liked.

The only friend's husband who gets a Happy Birthday from me is the one who somehow got added to my work Google calendar. It gives me a chuckle every year.
I suppose there are a few husbands who are friends now through my friendship with the woman/wife/partner so they might get a FB greeting (which doesn't really count IMO because if it wasn't for FB telling me I wouldn't know).

OP, you came here to ask for other people’s opinions but have been quite offensive to some who have given their opinion. ‘What a sad life you must lead to not find pleasure in the basics’ — for example.
I don’t send cards to most of my friends, let alone their partners; if I remember, I text them — my friends, that is, not their partners, unless I count the partner as a friend in their own right — but I often forget. (And I hardly ever remember my brothers’ birthdays!) It’s genuinely not important to some people. I don’t think that makes us sad or ‘shit’ friends. And I really couldn’t care less if a friend messages me on my birthday or not. But perhaps we gravitate towards friends who care about the same things as us — and if I had a friend I knew it really mattered to, I’d probably try to make more of an effort in their case.
I guess the question to ask (and apologies if you’ve mentioned this) is if your friend marks other people’s DH’s birthdays and just ignores your DH’s? If so, that would seem pointed.

I wouldn't be offended but I wouldn't do gifts for his birthday. I struggle just with family birthdays so can't be faffed with friends too unless very close friends. I might get him a card.

I would send a what's app message or FB message but honestly even with family there is at least one birthday each month so to do it for friends too apart from my BF or if they having a party is too much to think about. We agreed among friends not to bother years ago and we don't do Christmas presents for them either.

If it's a special birthday I would but I cannot even really be bothered with my birthday although my family are lovely and we do gifts etc and a meal out and cake etc etc. As I get older I have learnt not to make relationships transactional. One of my friends is lovely at remembering mine and my husbands birthdays and always does a card for us but I often forget her husband. She however is not so good at arranging meet-ups so I tend to do that. Don't sweat the small stuff.

YABU

And you seemed like a lovely (if overly sensitive) person in your OP... then I read all of your responses. Eeesh. People have different priorities and different ways of showing affection, yet you seem to think yours is the only right way.

If you're feeling resentful that you're doing things for this particular couple that they're not reciprocating, then just stop doing them. They clearly don't see birthday cards and texts as an expected part of a good adult friendship.

Christ @Antiguadreams ,you're being rude to people on here.

Lots and lots of people have friendships where they don't keep track of their birthdays and anniversaries etc. I have friends who I'd jump in front of a bullet for, but I couldn't tell you their birthday or anniversary or even the name of their kid. And they the same for me. It matters that we get along, and have fun, and help each in a crisis. Sod the pointless dates, that's for family.

I buy a present for one husband. But only because he was previously family, but isn't now and when I met his then new girlfriend, now wife we hit it off straight away, so she became a good friend, but I still remember his birthday.

I have no clue when any other friends' husband's birthdays are.

If you enjoy gifting, then carry on. If you are annoyed that they don't recepriocate, then stop.

I have just read all your updates.

I would be annoyed if DH and DS didn't acknowledge my birthday, but beyond that it's not an issue. I don't mention it at work so no work colleagues know when it is and I actually don't know when a lot of my friends birthdays are.

I am currently taking one friend to chemo on a weekly basis and moved appointments to get to visit her in hospital when she was unexpectedly admitted a few weeks ago. Does it make me any less of a friend because I don't know when her birthday is?

I've never bought a card or gift for my friends husbands. The best they could hope for would be a Facebook post on their walls.

I would t have a clue when my best friends husband's birthdays are, it's hard enough keeping track of my friends birthdays as well as my relatives.

I think you are being sensitive and a bit ridiculous tbh.

This is a wind-up. Stop feeding her.

Do not dare to assume my feelings.
You are in minority here. Stop banging your head against the wall

I don't buy for friends, never mind their DHs. I never know when anyone's birthday is, and I'd find you a bit weird.

We only buy for close family. Life is too busy to keep on top of other people's special days, particularly as adults.