Nursery worker telling DD her behaviour…

[Ohwhatsthatnoise]

…will make mummy sad.

And this just isn’t sitting well with me. Wondered what others would think? For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world. I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave. I don’t think I’d ever tell her that her behaviour makes me sad. I’d rather she understood the consequences of her actions. Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen.

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline? It’s an eternal worry of mine because she is the love of my life and I worry I’ll be too soft on her.

This is interesting, my 2.5yo has been doing the same and at first I wasn't sure what to think about it. But I do think it's a good thing, both from a practical sense, as he will ask me after doing something 'naughty' which I assume is part of him learning and testing boundaries. But also people are responsible for other people's emotions to some extent and I think it's valuable to learn this. It's actually very clever for young children to grasp this (and care about it), I'm guessing those who don't end up being the bullies, narcissists and sociopaths.

@Tatonka aside from extreme examples, l don't generally agree that people are responsible for other people's emotions, least of all children.

Different people react differently to different scenarios and that is not something I think can be pinned on an external factor.

In the face of a child who won't listen, some people will get frustrated, others angry, others anxious, some will stay calm. In my mind, none of these feelings are the responsibility of the child. It's up to the caregiver to manage their own emotions.

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline?

If you’re going to focus on the fact at home you don’t try and make her responsible for your emotions in that way but focus on the reason for her needing to do something, I don’t think you’ll come across as “fluffy”. I would not go on about her being the most beautiful, headstrong child, though!

The issue here, I think, is that putting all the emphasis on the effect of her actions on the class is not necessarily age appropriate. 2 year olds don’t understand the larger needs of a class and have only limited concern for others - mostly only people they’ve bonded with to some extent. So that focus on impact of her behaviour, while it’s useful to be imparting the information right from the start, is unlikely to be an effective disciplinary technique then and there. So perhaps a discussion about how to incentivize her to change her actions then and there that does rely on them using your supposed emotional state as a proxy?

Yes! Excellent post.

I took dance lessons in the 80s and the teachers were awful at times. I remember there was one girl whose mum always watched her lessons from the back. The teacher said to this girl 'I'm sure your mother is ashamed of you', to which the mum replied 'Oh no I'm not'. I remember thinking that's the kind of mum I'm going to be.

Headstrong. Doesn’t listen to anyone.
mummy will mollycoddle and defend. Jesus wept.

Most 2 year olds are headstrong. The world is very good at knocking the self esteem out of every child so if their own parent can't love them for who they are then who can?

I am shocked at the amount of parents here who think that a 2 year old not listening is 'naughty'. Why have children if you have no patience to cope with them? And why work with children if you have no patience or understanding?

I question whether some of these comments even come from people who have children.

At two it’s highly unlikely she would fully understand why to listen, happy and sad is an easier concept.
DD needs to know that behaviour at nursery gets conveyed to mummy, just cuz mummy isn’t there she will know how you behave.
If you choose to use a nursery etc you have to accept things will be a little different to how you do them, it doesn’t make it the wrong way.
and negative behaviour does/should generate negative emotion in the parent- tht you wish the behaviour was different and will make steps to adjust/train in future- sad is the simplest way to express that

‘The only person who can manage my happiness is me’

She and other people’s behaviour can impact your happiness however. She needs to understand this as she grows.

A 2 year old not listening when she’s been asked to, potentially several times, is however naughty. I doubt she was being asked to listen to a Reith Lecture.

Listening to instructions from care givers is important, either to keeping her safe or to take part in whatever activity is coming up at nursery without disrupting or delaying it for everyone else. The nursery worker may have huge patience but sooner or later the kids in her care have to listen to her.

If you want your toddler to do everything she wants with no consideration of anyone else get a nanny but the same issue will be deferred to school when it will be harder to deal with.

A 2 year old not listening when she’s been asked to

No it's not. Do you even have children? I doubt it. 2 is still a baby. You model correct behaviour, you redirect and set out expectations. But you don't call them 'naughty'.

Yes of course I have children.

A two year old isn’t a baby.

Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen

No one called anyone naughty if that’s the bit that offends you.

@LittleBearPad we all have a choice about how we react in different situations. Some people may choose to be sad, others frustrated etc.

I agree that kids need to learn that if they are not nice to others, others won't want to play/be with them. But what I don't want her doing things just to please others/avoid displeasing others.

But her behaviour will have a direct effect on people.

We could choose not to be sad but if she’s screamed at someone or hit them then sadness is a natural reaction.

The implication of your post is that she has no responsibility for how others feel as they are choosing to feel that way. That’s not right.

2 is still a baby imo. If you expect your 2 year old to have emotional maturity then you'll be setting yourself up for future trouble. I've managed to raise adult children who are kind and considerate to those around them - they didn't always listen at 2. I certainly never considered this to be naughty and the nursery my preschooler doesn't either and doesn't emotionally blackmail 2 year olds.

We could choose not to be sad but if she’s screamed at someone or hit them then sadness is a natural reaction.

And that is on you to manage - you don't guilt trip a small child.

Mine are past 2 though much closer than your own.

No one is saying two year olds always listen but if asked, no doubt several times to do so, then to continue to ignore their key worker was naughty.

If a two year old screams or hire someone - you expect them to pretend they aren’t upset? That’s dishonest. It’s also going to make your child unaware of their impact on others which is wrong.

It’s not guilt tripping to have a natural reaction and show it.

Assuming a member of the team relayed this verbatim, YANBU to be fecked off with staff using emotional blackmail in place of meeting her needs or redirecting her. 2 Yr olds aren't known for showing good listening. I'd say its identified a training need and ask for more detail around the way play experiences are structured and managed and is it free flow, what's the approach in place?

Didn't show good listening skills?
Who talks like that?
She didn't listen
She didn't do as she was told
She ignored an adult in charge
Headstrong?
Enough said

Carry on with this fluffy 'my child is the best in the world and can do no wrong' attitude and I can guarantee it will bite you on the arse. Your 'headstrong' toddler will become a teenager with a massive attitude problem.

We talk a lot about emotions within our early years setting.

someones feelings are a consequence of actions.

if someone is misbehaving, hitting, unkind words, we talk about how it makes the other person sad or happy depending on the situation.

We aren’t allowed to say that’s bad or naughty so using emotions is a way of talking about consequences. We aren’t even allowed to sing “he knows if you’ve been bad or good “ in the Santa Claus is coming to town in case it offends due to the word bad.

It won't hurt her to hear different things. It will be good for her. You can't control everything.

You lost me at headstrong...