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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery worker telling DD her behaviour…

213 replies

Ohwhatsthatnoise · 21/02/2024 21:23

…will make mummy sad.

And this just isn’t sitting well with me. Wondered what others would think? For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world. I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave. I don’t think I’d ever tell her that her behaviour makes me sad. I’d rather she understood the consequences of her actions. Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen.

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline? It’s an eternal worry of mine because she is the love of my life and I worry I’ll be too soft on her.

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 22/02/2024 07:39

I doubt anything a nursery worker said to your daughter misbehaving would be right in your eyes. God help the teachers when she goes to school.

Thefaceofboe · 22/02/2024 07:43

would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline?

Yes

Lavenderflower · 22/02/2024 07:50

I think this is age appropriate language for a two year old. I think you are doing your daughter a big injustice to never let you daughter know that her behaviour can have a negative impact.

Punk4ssBookJockey · 22/02/2024 07:53

Your child is in a group setting not 1 on 1 with a nanny. Sometimes they will make decisions or deal with behaviour in a way you wouldn't at home because they have other children to think about and routines to stick to. Your child will not be harmed by being told she made you sad, it is a fairly mild word which the child can understand as being negative. It might not be factually correct (ie you wouldn't use it to describe your feelings about her behaviour) but at 2 she can start developing emotional understanding and social skills.

The staff do not deserve the stress of having to watch every word that comes out of their mouth. If this is part of their normal way of dealing with behaviour, they can't not do it just for your child. It's just not practical.

These people want your child to develop well and behave properly. Don't undermine them and stress them out because of this. Your DC is fine and needs to be challenged in an age appropriate way as she develops and explores boundaries. If you want to nit-pick about a single phrase you disagree with, please consider withdrawing your child and hiring a nanny.

threeisacharm18 · 22/02/2024 08:16

YABU

Goldbar · 22/02/2024 08:17

Fwiw OP I agree with you.

I was brought up with a lot of 'guilt' parenting and, as a sensitive child, looking back I think it was quite emotionally damaging and encouraged people-pleasing.

We don't use 'guilt' parenting here, we impose consequences. First strike, you get a warning. Second strike, you have to sit out for a few minutes. Third strike, we leave the activity. We do talk about feelings, but it's more the effect our actions have directly on others - "If you hit someone, it hurts them and they feel sad. So we don't hit people".

LivingRoomTiger · 22/02/2024 08:24

If she was older I’d explain that I was a little sad because I worry she could get hurt or miss out on things if she doesn’t listen at nursery. I love her and I want her to do all the things she can, and sometimes you need to listen to do them or to be safe. I’d reframe it.

Tbh at 2 I don’t think there’s much to say beyond what was said, maybe a ‘oh but I was so happy when I saw your big smile when I picked you up!’ To gloss by

Goatygoaty · 22/02/2024 08:26

Yeah I don't like them saying that - it's sort of guilt tripping. I think they should be told why what they do is wrong and the consequences/sanction/whatever you want to call it should be clear and immediate and relevant. If anyone should be made' sad' it should be the nursery worker who is there dealing with it - pretty sure a 2 year old won't be able to make that link between what she does at nursery and what Mummy feels at home at the end of the day. It doesn't actually teach them anything either. It's just poor discipline.

And I'm a teacher and would never use the feelings a parent may or may not have as leverage - by and large that is considered bad practice. I might say I am going to call home about something but I will let the kid decided what the parents may feel. I don't know them - how can I say how they will react?! Sadly they often react with anger towards the school anyway 🤣🤣

GremlinsTwo12 · 22/02/2024 08:33

I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Folklore9074 · 22/02/2024 08:44

Kindly yes YABU. As parent to a beautiful 'headstrong' little boy I do on occasion need to explain to my child that his behavior isn't always okay. Like your girl he is 2 so I need to say things in a way that he will understand, 'making mummy sad' is one of those ways. Understanding that your behavior creates negative emotional reactions in others is not the same as making your children responsible for your behavior, it's just an age appropriate way to explain consequence.

Folklore9074 · 22/02/2024 08:45

I would say though the nursery worker should have said it would make her sad, not you, as you weren't there.

Sapphire387 · 22/02/2024 08:53

You're saying 'headstrong'... a lot of people would say 'has tantrums' or quite frankly, is a bit of a brat. Which most toddlers can be. It's not endearing to anyone else but yourself. And not teaching your child that their behaviour has an impact on others is not helpful.

MyopicBunny · 22/02/2024 08:58

YANBU - it's not nice to emotionally manipulate a 2 year old.

Mariposistaaa · 22/02/2024 09:04

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zingally · 22/02/2024 09:16

I think it's a perfectly normal natural consequence for mummy to be sad after some misbehaviour, and for someone to say that. Especially for a 2 year old. They are 2. You can sit them down and have heart to hearts about the deep and meaningfuls as to why you shouldn't do certain things. But they're 2. You'd be wasting your time.

Associating a behaviour with a feelings-related consequence is entirely age-appropriate for a 2 year old.

And where did you get this report from? Did you DD tell you that her key worker said that? That's a lot of high-level reporting skills to attribute to a 2yo.

Goldbar · 22/02/2024 09:25

pretty sure a 2 year old won't be able to make that link between what she does at nursery and what Mummy feels at home at the end of the day

Besides, it's not necessarily true that the parent is going to feel "sad" about a 2 year old behaving like a 2 year old. When my DC was being a pain at nursery or any poor behaviour was reported back to me, I can't say I ever really felt "sad" about it. My response was more, "oh dear, I'm sorry you had a bad day with DC. Is there anything you'd like me to do at home to follow up on this?" We all have bad days sometimes, including children. And by and large, unless the misbehaviour is constant and a sign of wider issues, it's the nursery staff's job to deal with poor behaviour at nursery, it's my job to deal with it at home.

northernbeee · 22/02/2024 09:36

Ohwhatsthatnoise · 21/02/2024 21:23

…will make mummy sad.

And this just isn’t sitting well with me. Wondered what others would think? For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world. I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave. I don’t think I’d ever tell her that her behaviour makes me sad. I’d rather she understood the consequences of her actions. Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen.

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline? It’s an eternal worry of mine because she is the love of my life and I worry I’ll be too soft on her.

I work with children and have occasionally said this but that's because i've spoken with parents in the past about their behaviour and the parents have used this terminology. Also, they're not 2, they're school age. There are more appropriate ways of dealing with a 2 year old.

northernbeee · 22/02/2024 09:38

ETA - and not listening is definitely not worthy of that comment!

MorningSunshineSparkles · 22/02/2024 09:45

YANBU, it is not ok to emotionally blackmail a child into behaving. If the nursery staff are unable to put in place adequate consequences then I’d be removing her from there.

Naptrappedmummy · 22/02/2024 09:46

MorningSunshineSparkles · 22/02/2024 09:45

YANBU, it is not ok to emotionally blackmail a child into behaving. If the nursery staff are unable to put in place adequate consequences then I’d be removing her from there.

Is ‘you’ll make Sam sad if you hit him’ emotional blackmail as well?

MorningSunshineSparkles · 22/02/2024 09:49

@Naptrappedmummy that’s an entirely ineffective way to stop a child from hitting. 2 year olds don’t give a shit if they make other 2 year olds sad. If your child is hitting you tell them it’s wrong, the behaviour is naughty and put consequences in place. If you’ve an older child that is hitting, you can tell them that they’re making people sad but they’re also not likely to give a shit because by the time they understand that, they also understand hitting is wrong so they’re hitting deliberately to upset another person.

justlonelystars · 22/02/2024 09:51

My toddler is going through a biting phase. I tell him that makes mummy said when he isn’t kind to his friends/mummy/daddy. He really responds to this and wants to give kisses and cuddles to make my happy again. At the end of the day, certain behaviour is going to make parents sad. They need to understand there is a consequences to their actions.
I agree not listening is quite a minor thing but I don’t think hiding your emotions from your child will do them any favours in the long run.

RatatouillePie · 22/02/2024 09:59

I think it's really important to explain how actions can make OTHER people feel.

It's something that needs to be taught to children and help them understand WHY kindness is so important.

Naptrappedmummy · 22/02/2024 10:12

MorningSunshineSparkles · 22/02/2024 09:49

@Naptrappedmummy that’s an entirely ineffective way to stop a child from hitting. 2 year olds don’t give a shit if they make other 2 year olds sad. If your child is hitting you tell them it’s wrong, the behaviour is naughty and put consequences in place. If you’ve an older child that is hitting, you can tell them that they’re making people sad but they’re also not likely to give a shit because by the time they understand that, they also understand hitting is wrong so they’re hitting deliberately to upset another person.

If they don’t give a shit then it’s not emotional blackmail is it? That’s my point.

WishingOnAStar86 · 22/02/2024 10:35

Completely agree with you. It's absolutely ridiculous to put adult feelings onto a child. Especially for age appropriate behaviours.

You don't teach children by telling them what they're doing makes X sad, all it'll teach them is any behaviour deemed "not appropriate" is only bad bc Mummy won't like it and what, spent their lives trying to please mummy? Sounds silly, eh.

It's just something to say because it may stop the behaviour in the moment but as you say, teaches nothing longterm. Just makes makes the child feel rubbish. Makes no sense and anyone who says otherwise is silly.

No harm in asking the worker to not say that to her in future. Just say, it's not something I'd ever tell her so would be grateful of you didn't either. It's all in the delivery.

also, I wouldn't fixate on it, it's just how she believes to stop unwanted behaviours, not to be malicious

Xx