Nursery worker telling DD her behaviour…

[Ohwhatsthatnoise]

…will make mummy sad.

And this just isn’t sitting well with me. Wondered what others would think? For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world. I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave. I don’t think I’d ever tell her that her behaviour makes me sad. I’d rather she understood the consequences of her actions. Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen.

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline? It’s an eternal worry of mine because she is the love of my life and I worry I’ll be too soft on her.

Yes absolutely fluffy parenting. Embarrassing for you so don't say anything.
Sounds like the nursery worker knew this type of behaviour would alarm you hence why she said. It's the same thing if she listened amazingly, and the nursery worker said 'mummy will be so proud of you!'

Where is the OP??

God the bar is set so low for some parents isn’t it? Their child wouldn’t understand the word frustrated. Their child wouldn’t be worried about it. Their child wouldn’t even remember it. The nursery staff can say what they want as it doesn’t really matter… low standards. Just what we should all be aspiring to for our children. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Agree. It is lazy and unprofessional.

The child is required to listen 'because friends listen to our teachers here in nursery'.

'If friends don't listen when Miss Jane says it's cleanup time, we'll miss storytime'.

The shorter and simpler the better for someone aged 2.

Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen.

She's 2. You said it yourself, she wasn't listening. Which means she was told to stop before this utterance that you have chosen to focus on. Why do you think she's going to stop once the teacher tells her why she should?

She kept doing what exactly? Kept interrupting the teacher during story time? Kept flicking paper onto the floor? Kept pouring water onto the carpet? It ain't cute, nor strong, kind or brave.

Admittedly 2 is young but the way you wrote your OP, it makes me wonder when you'll start allowing your 'headstrong' daughter to link her behaviour at school with your own expectations of her while she is there. That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the consequences of her actions, but obviously you're not going to be thrilled if she makes poor choices.

If you think every single interaction a child has with an adult is going to be the gold standard in child psychology otherwise the ‘standards are low’, then you’re being unrealistic.

A remark was made, it was fairly standard, not the best perhaps but pretty normal, dust yourself off and forget about it, we live to fight another day.

,For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world. I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave.

YABU
You also need to teach her those listen skills that she seems to be lacking in.

I despair at some of the comments on here, a 2 year old not listening is not being naughty, they are being 2. Shaming them for that won't make them magically be able to behave in ways that their brain hasn't developed to yet. A 2 year old is not responsible for an adults emotions and shouldn't be told that their actions (which most of the time they can't control) make someone sad. This creates shame which leads to so many problems and doesn't teach them anything because they aren't old enough to have true empathy. These approaches hugely contribute to the social/emotional/behavioural difficulties which are increasing at an alarming rate.

You will be on here desperately asking for advice when your beautiful, headstrong teenager has zero respect for you or anyone else because you've undermined all forms of authority in her life.

Ps. Newsflash! Nursery workers/ teachers etc. are not parenting everyone's child according to their individual parenting preferences. Seriously, we are paid minimum wage. You're lucky they are safe and learning something!

I thought the same. Headstrong = brat

And if you go in and complain, nursery will soon see where her headstrong entitled attitude comes from.

I don't think it was right to say it would make you sad but I wouldn't have a problem if she had said it's making her sad that she isn't listening. Surely that's how we teach children to connect behaviour and feelings but in any case, I do think it's a non issue really and all this introspection isn't actually helping anything is it?

Also OP, if you can't ever imagine saying she's made you sad you're probably in for a shock. My children have made me cry in floods of tears before, because I'm human and sometimes their behaviour and attitude have DEFINITELY made me sad and mad.

Does it really make you a terrible parent to be disappointed when your children misbehave?

I mean we are talking about a 2yo not listening (hardly the crime of the century!), but generally speaking I have high expectations of my children and they know it.

I'm not talking about guilt and shame, but yes I expect them to listen and be respectful to the person looking after them.

For example:

"I was sad to hear that you weren't listening to Aunty Jo when she took you to the park today. She won't want to take you again, and I won't let her, if you can't listen because she won't be able to keep you safe."

I said similar to my DS when he was 5yo and had spent the day being an absolute horror for my sister. He didn't do it again.

She’s talking to a 2 year old. Have a day off.

I wouldn't have a problem with this. When my DC misbehave at nursery (as they all do at times), I feel frustrated and disappointed - or in a two year old's language, "sad".

It's important that they learn their actions have consequences, including causing sadness or anger in others.

Agree with other posters that you do sound a little precious - all two year olds are beautiful and headstrong! They're gorgeous, chaotic little sociopaths. It's our job to temper that headstrongness with a decent dash of empathy and respect.

Even on minimum wage you should have a basic grasp of child development and child psychology surely though? And shaming and manipulation shouldn’t be seen as acceptable methods regardless of your pay packet.

Agree with this. Unless it's particularly offensive to you, then I'd let this slide (what word would you use instead/ can they not mention you of that makes you feel better, and does it really matter on the great scheme of things). Of course, there is an alternative that you look after your own child yourself. The way you describe your child is not great, it's all very waffly for what sounds like a badly behaved child. Perhaps let the nursery do what they are doing, sounds like your child would benefit from it

Don't think you can micromanage the nursery staff to this extent.

It might not be the way you would talk to your daughter, but you can't tell the nursery staff what words to use.

It's also probably developmentally accurate as around this age children start to learn different emotions etc my 2.5 year old is often using words like sad, happy etc and asking me the same "are you happy mummy" and I actually find it useful to say that's making me sad or angry if he's misbehaving. Give your children credit for not being stupid, they are much smarter than you realise

But why not just use the actual consequence of if you can’t listen you might not be safe rather than bringing your feelings into it? It’s a slipperly
slope making a toddler or child responsible for your feelings… and not fair to give them that power. That’s on you as an adult to be reflecting on your parenting skills and techniques if your child regularly misbehaves or doesn’t listen to be honest. Or on “Aunty Jo” for not having a better discipline technique when taking kids out for the day. Respect works two ways and far too many people fail to respect their child first and then wonder why they grow up to not respect you…

I have a very good grasp of child development, thank you (more than minimum wage deserves). It doesn't stretch to thinking that someone saying "mummy will be sad" is going to psychologically damage that child. In my opinion, the level of parental introspection, indulgence and entitlement going on here are likely to be far more damaging to the child long term than a random person who is in a child's life for a year or so making a rare comment.

And long term, for those working in childcare and teaching, the attitudes parents have are not making it easier to recruit. There are huge shortages of staff - which is also damaging to children's development and education. I'm grateful my children are just exiting all that because it's got a lot worse quite quickly.

For “headstrong” read “precocious little shit”

👏👏👏

I thought this too

Your child isn't the most beautiful in the world. She is to you, but not to the nursery worker, or other mums.

Not sure why it's relevant anyway.

You can though.
If you heard that the nursery worker was calling your child a little shit, or even saying, "You're a naughty girl", you could absolutely 'micromanage'.